The Sardonic News Conglomerate

Best Excuse For Hiring a Prostitute Ever!!!

2010-05-13T09:28:00.003-05:00

Shit like this just makes my heart sing....

Anti-gay rights activist resigns after trip with male escort

By the CNN Wire Staff

May 12, 2010 9:35 p.m. EDT

(CNN) -- The anti-gay rights activist who recently toured Europe with a male escort has resigned from a group that promotes counseling for people who "struggle with unwanted homosexuality," though the man insists that he is not gay. (Insists! If I stamp my feet and scream loud enough and keep saying it it's true! Hey when did Jay Marrioti get here??)

George Rekers resigned from the board of the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality (sounds hot!), the group's website said Tuesday.

"I am immediately resigning my membership in NARTH (Almost sounds like NAMBLA) to allow myself the time necessary to fight the false media reports that have been made against me," (and the one where they have me getting on the elevator with my gay escort. they can do anything on these new fangled computers these days.)Rekers said in a statement posted on the group's website. "With the assistance of a defamation attorney, I will fight these false reports because I have not engaged in any homosexual behavior whatsoever. (Except anal sex and having my salad tossed. Other than that? Straight as an arrow!)

"I am not gay and never have been," the statement said. (Larry Craig? Who left this door open?)

The association accepted the resignation (NO!), saying on its website Tuesday that it "would hope that the legal process will sufficiently clarify the questions that have arisen in this unfortunate situation."(That's a ringing endorsement if I've ever heard one)

The group has scrubbed Rekers' writings from its site, with a page that formerly featured his work now bearing the message, "Sorry, you've reached a page that doesn't exist." (LALALALALALALA I can't hear you!! LALALALALALA!!)

Rekers, a Baptist minister, has been a prominent and effective foe of gay rights legislation across the country. He is a co-founder of the Family Research Council, one of Washington's most powerful conservative Christian advocacy groups, and has weighed in on anti-gay rights legislation across the country. (God, life is good when shit like this happens)

He received about $120,000 to appear as an expert witness in a 2008 case challenging Florida's ban on gays and lesbians adopting (Save me from myse.lf!!)

Rekers has written that gays are a "deviant segment of society." (And how!)

Revelations of Rekers' trip to Europe with a male escort surfaced last week, shortly after he returned to the U.S.

The male escort who traveled with Rekers -- who goes by the name Lucien, though that is not his given name (I did NOT need to be told THAT)-- said that he advertises his service exclusively on the website rentboy.com,(travel site?) where visitors can choose from hundreds of male escorts in suggestive and revealing poses. (Oh)

Lucien says Rekers first contacted him through the site. He was hired to give Rekers daily "sexual massages" on the trip, (nothing gay about that) which took them to London and Madrid, Lucien says. (Is that a euphemism? As in "I took my wife to London AND Madrid last night! Twice!!)

"He got excited," Lucien said of the massages, adding that Rekers wanted Lucien to touch him, though Lucien said that he didn't have sex with Rekers and that Rekers didn't ask to have sex. (I just spit took)

According to a contract Lucien showed CNN, he was hired to carry Rekers' bags and to provide at least one hour's worth of massage every day in their shared room, at a cost of $75 a day. (If I was a raging closeted bigoted repressed homosexual looking for a quiet evening of homoerotic sex, I would consider this a bargain!)

The contract also stipulated that Lucien spend at least eight hours a day with Rekers, including sharing two meals. (HOT!!!)

Rekers' website provided a different account of how he met Lucien and of the trip, saying he needed help carrying luggage because of an "ongoing condition following surgery." (Oh, man. I can't really top that with a snark. It speaks for itself.)

The site said Rekers "found his recent travel assistant by interviewing different people who might be able to help, and did not even find out about his travel assistant's internet advertisements offering prostitution activity until after the trip was in progress. There was nothing inappropriate with this relationship." (Except the whole hand job from a guy thing)

Rekers' site said he "was not involved in any illegal or sexual behavior with his travel assistant."

Rekers is a distinguished professor emeritus at the University of South Carolina School of Medicine, according to his website. (Bible Thumper Medical School. Guess where I'm going when I need my next rectal exam!)

He earned a Ph.D. in psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles, an M.B.A. from Southern Wesleyan University and a Doctor of Theology degree from the University of South Africa, his site says.

Lucien says Rekers told him about other boyfriends before the European trip. But Lucien says that in their ongoing conversations, Rekers continues to deny that he is gay. (Wide stance.)

"I actually asked him over the phone, 'Do you think you're gay?' and he said, 'no'," Lucien said, adding that Rekers asked him not to share his story with the media.

In a statement on its website Tuesday, the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality said it stood by its work promoting therapy for gays who wish to be straight. (Seems to working great! Keep up the good work!)

"(T)hese personal controversies do not change the scientific data, nor do they detract from the important work of NARTH," the statement said. "NARTH continues to support scientific research, and to value client autonomy, client self-determination and client diversity." (What?)

CNN's Randi Kaye contributed to this report.

Someone Read A Book!

2010-01-31T10:24:00.003-06:00

My God! I'm 22, half-drunk, sitting at the Deadwood and the marginally attractive sophomore anthropology major who I had Western Civ from 1865 with just sat down next to me.

It's a flashback of historic proportions.

A piece from Natalie Portman written for HuffPost a few months ago.

Jonathan Safran Foer's book Eating Animals changed me from a twenty-year vegetarian to a vegan activist.

Is it just me or don't a lot of vegetarians seem to treat their vegetarianness like they went through AA or something, hoping against hope that they can make it to the next year and collect their new chip. Alcoholism is a disease. Eating meat isn't. Sorry.

I've always been shy about being critical of others' choices because I hate when people do that to me.

Me thinks there's a 'but' comin'

I'm often interrogated about being vegetarian (e.g., "What if you find out that carrots feel pain, too? Then what'll you eat?").

That's the best witticism that's been thrown your way? Kinda weak. I'm dubious if that's what she's putting in the first graf to lead off this 'transformative' proclamation.

I've also been afraid to feel as if I know better than someone else -- a historically dangerous stance...

but?

...(I'm often reminded that "Hitler was a vegetarian, too, you know"). But...

THERE IT IS!

...this book reminded me that some things are just wrong. Perhaps others disagree with me that animals have personalities, but the highly documented torture of animals is unacceptable, and the human cost Foer describes in his book, of which I was previously unaware, is universally compelling.

Whoa! She's been a vegetarian for 20 years and didn't know that animals were tortured in the meat-making process on factory farms? Geesh! Read a newspaper and watch one of the 14 million documentaries made in the last 30 years on the subject.

The human cost of factory farming -- both the compromised welfare of slaughterhouse workers and, even more, the environmental effects of the mass production of animals -- is staggering. Foer details the copious amounts of pig shit sprayed into the air that result in great spikes in human respiratory ailments, the development of new bacterial strains due to overuse of antibiotics on farmed animals, and the origins of the swine flu epidemic, whose story has gripped the nation, in factory farms.

Using that logic, with Toyota having issues with accelerator pedals and 40,000 people dying each year from car accidents (#1 cause of death for people between ages 1 and 34), we should just outlaw cars. Seems like that's a reason for better environmental/farm rules and regulations, not outlawing meat.

I read the chapter on animal shit aloud to two friends -- one is from Iowa and has asthma and the other is a North Carolinian who couldn't eat fish from her local river because animal waste had been dumped in it as described in the book.

Anyone else get the feeling that hanging around Natalie might be like hanging around an Amway rep? But, you know, A LOT WORSE. You just KNOW the pitch is coming at some point. Where's the tipping point? Three appletinis? Two hits on the bong?

They had never truly thought about the connection between their environmental conditions and their food. The story of the mass farming of animals had more impact on them when they realized it had ruined their own backyards.

But what Foer most bravely details...

Glurp

...is how eating animal pollutes not only our backyards, but also our beliefs.

Glurp-glurp

He reminds us that our food is symbolic of what we believe in,

Bow at the altar of the wise Mr. Foer!

and that eating is how we demonstrate to ourselves and to others our beliefs: Catholics take communion -- in which food and drink represent body and blood. Jews use salty water on Passover to remind them of the slaves' bitter tears. And on Thanksgiving, Americans use succotash and slaughter to tell our own creation myth -- how the Pilgrims learned from Native Americans to harvest this land and make it their own.

Well, first, most Christians do the 'body and blood' thing. Not just Catholics.

Mostly, though, I heart the religious overtones (and the alliteration) here, connecting the eating of meat to some sort of wrong-headed religious practice. So if I'm to take that comparison literally, are Christians cannibals for taking a representative body of Christ wafer every Sunday? This religious conspiracy is more sinister than I thought!

Gee, I wonder if Natalie's going to talk about unthinking zealotry and then fall into the trap herself.

And as we use food to impart our beliefs to our children, the point from which Foer lifts off, what stories do we want to tell our children through their food?

I'm going to tell them to not listen to a Hollywood actress that makes bullshit assumptions about my supposed lack of knowledge and conscientiousness of the food I eat.

I remember in college, a professor asked our class to consider what our grandchildren would look back on as being backward behavior or thinking in our generation, the way we are shocked by the kind of misogyny, racism, and sexism we know was commonplace in our grandparents' world.

Oh sweetie. You ARE in my 20s, aren't you?

He urged us to use this principle to examine the behaviors in our lives and our societies that we should be a part of changing. Factory farming of animals will be one of the things we look back on as a relic of a less-evolved age.

So far, I've been told by Mrs. Portman that factory farming is bad, which, by and large, it is, especially with lax environmental laws not regulating the air, water and human effects historically well enough to inhibit said problems with such things. All that is well-documented and I agree.

What I haven't been told is why this is a reason to be a vegetarian or vegan, or how 'succotash and slaughter' means anything in this context. Did Native Americans run factory farms? My history teachers did do a terrible job!

I say that Foer's ethical charge against animal eating is brave because not only is it unpopular, it has also been characterized as unmanly, inconsiderate, and juvenile.

Um, what? Unmanly? Some dope reviews the book ($20 this came from an Amazon reviewer) and calls it unmanly so that covers the 'it has been characterized' label.

If that's the case, Obama might actually be a communist because some commenter on the National Review website said so.

But he reminds us that being a man, and a human, takes more thought than just "This is tasty, and that's why I do it." He posits that consideration, as promoted by Michael Pollan in The Omnivore's Dilemma, which has more to do with being polite to your tablemates than sticking to your own ideals, would be absurd if applied to any other belief (e.g., I don't believe in rape, but if it's what it takes to please my dinner hosts, then so be it).

WHOA!!!!!!!! (and the impetus of this SNC post)

That, quite possibly, is the most offensive thing I've read here at the SNC (and that's saying a lot). Her little 'e.g.' there puts her in the category of mind-blowingly stupid. Is she equating rape with eating meat? Probably not but not outside the realm of the more fanatical vegan world. Is she juxtaposing them? Yes. In an attempt to be provocative, she meandered into a realm and opened a door. The logic of typing that (and keeping that after editing) paints her into an extremely precarious ethical corner. Let's go down that road, Natalie and see where it leads. Wanna see where putting the eating of meat and such a reprehensible criminal act into the same discussion gets you? Let's.

And Natalie takes a page from Jessica Wakeman! Her choices are unpopular, yours are unthinking. She is brave and willing to be a martyr for her cause in the face of such ignorance.

But Foer makes his most impactful gesture as a peacemaker, when he unites the two sides of the animal eating debate in their reasoning. Both sides argue: We are not them.

Ah, 'The Other' argument. I've been transported back to freshman rhetoric.

Those who refrain from eating animals argue: We don't have to go through what they go through -- we are not them. We are capable of making distinctions between what to eat and what not to eat (Americans eat cow but not dog, Hindus eat chicken but not cow, etc.). We are capable of considering others' minds and others' pain. We are not them. Whereas those who justify eating animals say the same thing: We are not them. They do not merit the same value of being as us. They are not us.

If a vegetarian/vegan wants to enlighten you as to the immoral act of eating flesh, you have to be a willing participant, right? You have to be open to such things. You have to be open to someone telling you, as Ms. Portman said in the intro to this piece, that they are allowed to feel as if they know better than you and that he/she is allowed to be critical of your choices.

You know how that person shouldn't start off such a discussion, if allowed? By couching it in religious terms, evoking the body of Christ, saying Native Americans taught us Americans 'succotash and slaughter in the 'creation myth' (another doozy), by juxtaposing rape and meat-eating, by saying meat-eating is on par with misogyny, racism and sexism and should also be seen as a relic of some unenlightened, less-evolved age. Not only is doing such a thing offensive, presumptuous and laughingly silly, it's not how you go about making a point. It's bad thinking and bad writing. She just evoked the entire history of the damn world with nearly every struggle in the history of mankind to make a point about eating.

Always the first sign of a desperately unimaginative mind.

And so Foer shows us, through Eating Animals, that we are all thinking along the same lines: We are not them. But, he urges, how will we define who we are?

Um, not buying factory farm meat?

Being considerate and thoughtful about where you buy your meat. Knowing where your food comes from.

Just a thought.

And for the record, I was a vegetarian for a year or so (got my chip!) for health reasons with a dash of 20-ish moralism.

You know what I didn't do?

Proselytize with a presumptive and unthinking zealotry usually reserved for the Tea Bagging crowd.

Because, you know, that makes you a fucking asshole.

Oh, Goody.

2010-01-25T15:08:00.003-06:00

It's been awhile since we've gone down Douchebag Avenue with ol' Davey.

Heeeeeeeeeere we go again....and a 1 and a 2...

-----------------------------

Let me ask you all a question. Does watching the NFL playoffs sometimes make you look back at your athletic past and say, “Well, I could be Peyton Manning if I had only worked harder at it?”(Not once.)

If your answer is yes, I say to you … Really?! Come on now.(What if you were actually really good?)

The fact that you would even compare yourself to anyone else is a sign of emotional immaturity. (I really have nowhere to begin with the stupidity and hypocrisy of this statement coming from a guy who bases his ENTIRE CAREER on comparing himself with other men) The only person you need to compare yourself to is yourself.(Oh. My. God. Fuck off.)

It doesn’t matter what area of your life or yourself you want to be better. (Can someone get this guy an editor, please. Try reading that sentence 3 times and see if it smooths out. I gave up) Ask yourself how you were one year ago compared to how you are now.(I hated you then and I hate you now...Same will be true next year)

Have you grown in the last year? (Back hair? Yes.)What have you learned? (You're an ass.)How have you progressed? (Isn't that the same as grown? See? By the word) What do you still need to learn, and what are you going to do to get there?(Prove your work. What is this? Algebra class?)

I receive emails all the time in which people will write things like, “David, I’m just not as good as my friends with women. I go out with my friend Bill and he’s so great at meeting women. I just wish I were him.”(No he doesn't.)

Let me tell you something. With that attitude, you’ll never get good at it.(Get good?)

What you should be saying instead in your email to me is this: “God, I went out with my friend Bill the other night and it was so much fun. He’s amazing with women, and I just learned so many things from him and had such a great time! I’m so happy that he has this skill, and I look at him as kind of a role model.”(I am going to strangle him. Seriously.)

Never compare yourself to other people. (Got it)Never look at somebody else and say “I wish I had as much money as my friend Tom,” (You already said this) or “I wish I had as good a marriage as my friend Jimmy.”(Yeah. Wishing for a better marriage is loser talk. Go hit on strange women at Whole Foods!)

Instead, go to your friend Tom and find out how he made all that money. (Born into it)Learn his secrets,(genetics) so you can incorporate them into your own life.(Fuck an heiress) If your friend Jimmy has such a great marriage, then sit down one night with him and his wife and ask them what the secret is to their happy marriage.(Money)

You do this so that you can learn from successful people. (Like David tells his losers at his bullshit seminars) That is for what successful people are there. (For us to learn from? Huh?) Successful people are there so that you can learn from them. (You just said this TWO SENTENCES AGO!)They are not there to make you jealous.

If you are jealous of other people, you are never going to learn from them. Jealousy is an ugly emotion. (So is arrogance and douchebaggery)If you’re happy about other people’s success, on the other hand, then you are able to sit down and ask them about how they achieved their success.(He has now said this or some derivative of it 4 times now)

Everyone loves to share their journey, (they do?) and life is all about paying it forward. (there we go! David gets his buzzword bullshit in..BTW, Pay it forward jumped the shark in 2001) If you pay it forward, (He said it again!) then you are passing good lessons on to someone else.(I want him hurt. Badly.)

So, the next time you’re comparing yourself to somebody and you experience those tinges of jealousy, remember this blog. (And vomit) Instead of comparing yourself to them, ask them what they did to make themselves such an expert in the field of women, marriage, money or whatever it might be.(5 times! David is going for the record that he himself has set!)

That is what it’s all about. That’s what I’m here to do for you. (Make me throw up in my mouth?)

How did I get so good? (How do I act so well?! Ian McKellan in "Extras" anyone? ....Oh...I literally just sighed verbally. I seriously just pick a blog randomly and go for it. As i write little snipes, it's the first I've read them) Well I give you everything that I’ve ever done, and show you how I learned and overcame all of my own struggles, on my Community site and in my videos. I share everything that has worked for me.(Thanks. The SNC wouldn't be the same without you)

I just want to continue to enlighten you and help you grow as people. It makes me happy to share my knowledge with all of you.(And satisfies your massive ego!)

So take jealousy out of the equation, and put admiration into it. (After I just told you to basically be jealous of me) You’ll find life will become a lot easier and a lot more fulfilling.(Aaaaand...fuck you, you fucking asshat cockbag.)

Get Ready for the Prescription Drugs!!

2010-01-11T09:28:00.003-06:00

Audiences experience 'Avatar' blues

(CNN) -- James Cameron's completely immersive spectacle "Avatar" (so much for impartiality) may have been a little too real for some fans who say they have experienced depression and suicidal thoughts after seeing the film because they long to enjoy the beauty of the alien world Pandora. (where's her box?)

On the fan forum site "Avatar Forums," ("....I know you won't believe this, but, the Na'vi chick next door has been looking at me with lust...") a topic thread entitled "Ways to cope with the depression of the dream of Pandora being intangible," has received more than 1,000 posts from people experiencing depression and fans trying to help them cope. (Good......God) The topic became so popular last month that forum administrator Philippe Baghdassarian (Bagged a Sarian?) had to create a second thread so people could continue to post their confused feelings about the movie.

"I wasn't depressed myself. In fact the movie made me happy ," Baghdassarian said. "But I can understand why it made people depressed. The movie was so beautiful and it showed something we don't have here on Earth. (what, jungle?!?) I think people saw we could be living in a completely different world and that caused them to be depressed." (I felt the same way after Thunderdome, only, it was because of Tina Turner's outfit)

A post by a user called Elequin (the name of the prescription drug that will be invented for this 'disease) expresses an almost obsessive relationship with the film.

"That's all I have been doing as of late, searching the Internet for more info about 'Avatar.' (and "Ten Ways to please your Man"....) I guess that helps. It's so hard I can't force myself to think that it's just a movie, and to get over it, that living like the Na'vi will never happen. I think I need a rebound movie (try porn) ," Elequin posted.

A user named Mike (hey! I know him!) wrote on the fan Web site "Naviblue" that he contemplated suicide after seeing the movie.

"Ever since I went to see Avatar I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na'vi made me want to be one of them. I can't stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it," Mike posted. "I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in 'Avatar.' " (um........just go back and read that a second time and add heavy sarcasm. Read the whole thing that way. It makes it bearable)

Cameron's movie, which has pulled in more than $1.4 billion in worldwide box office sales and could be on track to be the highest grossing film of all time, is set in the future when the Earth's resources have been pillaged by the human race. A greedy corporation is trying to mine the rare mineral unobtainium from the planet Pandora, which is inhabited by a peace-loving race of 7-foot tall, blue-skinned natives called the Na'vi. (unobtainium? Pandora? Na'vi? Wow, I didn't know the movie was THAT subtle....)

In their race to mine for Pandora's resources, the humans clash with the Na'vi, leading to casualties on both sides. The world of Pandora is reminiscent of a prehistoric fantasyland, filled with dinosaur-like creatures mixed with the kinds of fauna you may find in the deep reaches of the ocean. Compared with life on Earth, Pandora is a beautiful, glowing utopia. (except for the dinosaurs)

Ivar Hill posts to the Avatar forum page under the name Eltu. (if you give us his real name, then, why the fuck do we need to know his pseudonym for this story??) He wrote about his post-Avatar depression after he first saw the film earlier this month.

"When I woke up this morning after watching Avatar for the first time yesterday, the world seemed ... gray. It was like my whole life, everything I've done and worked for, lost its meaning," Hill wrote on the forum. "It just seems so ... meaningless. I still don't really see any reason to keep ... doing things at all. I live in a dying world." (Fuck you)

Reached via e-mail in Sweden where he is studying game design, Hill, 17, (17?!? Game design?!? Why is he being interviewed again? What makes him different than any other 17-year-old gamer with low self-esteem?) explained that his feelings of despair made him desperately want to escape reality.

"One can say my depression was twofold: I was depressed because I really wanted to live in Pandora, which seemed like such a perfect place, but I was also depressed and disgusted with the sight of our world, what we have done to Earth. I so much wanted to escape reality," Hill said. (It's called "marijuana". Try it)

Cameron's special effects masterpiece is very lifelike and the 3-D performance capture and CGI effects essentially allow the viewer to enter the alien world of Pandora for the movie's 2½-hour run-time, which only lends to the separation anxiety (THERE it is! We have a name for it! Time to start the treatments) some individuals experience when they depart the movie theater.

"Virtual life is not real life and it never will be, (whoa! baaack up! What?!) but this is the pinnacle of what we can build in a virtual presentation so far," said Dr. Stephan Quentzel, psychiatrist and Medical Director for the Louis Armstrong Center for Music and Medicine at Beth Israel Medical Center in New York. (This is the longest job title in American history, Jesus.) "It has taken the best of our technology to create this virtual world and real life will never be as utopian as it seems onscreen. It makes real life seem more imperfect." (Thank God, a doctor was available to dish that bit of info...Thanks, Doc!)

The bright side is that for Hill and others like him who became dissatisfied with their own lives and with our imperfect world after enjoying the fictional creation of James Cameron, becoming a part of a community of like-minded people (suicidal nerds) on an online forum has helped them emerge from the darkness.

"After discussing on the forums for a while now, my depression is beginning to fade away. Having taken a part in many discussions concerning all this has really, really helped me," Hill said. "Before, I had lost the reason to keep on living -- but now it feels like these feelings are gradually being replaced with others." (....anybody wanna switch seats?)

Quentzel said creating relationships with others is one of the keys to human happiness and that even if those connections are occurring online they are better than nothing. (wise doctor, indeed. It's like a correspondence course for human interaction!)

Within the fan community, suggestions for battling feelings of depression after seeing the movie include things like playing "Avatar" video games or downloading the movie soundtrack (gee, I wonder if any of the marketing reps wrote under a fake name and suggested they buy more shit? I think the best treatment for these depressed folks is to run out and buy more Avatar merchandise!) in addition to encouraging members to relate to other people outside the virtual realm and to seek out positive and constructive activities.. (that would require actual physical connections with other humans. Not gunna happen.)

Parrogance Strikes Again!

2009-11-13T08:37:00.003-06:00

It’s a boy? Disappointment plagues some moms

LAS VEGAS - Katherine Asbery was so depressed that her third child was a boy, she wouldn't even say the sex. She called him "not a girl," and spent hours crying. (I'm gunna loooooove Kate Asbery, I can tell. Too bad I missed out on that 'catch')

She and her husband had even tried different techniques (sideways, from behind, on a suspension wire) that promised to yield a girl. "That dream of what you wanted is gone, and you have to learn to live with that," she said.

Good mothers are supposed to say they are happy with a boy or a girl, as long as the baby is healthy. But gender disappointment is a very real and heartbreaking issue that affects many pregnant women. (if you say so)

Christine Lich of Lindenhurst, Ill., always assumed she would have a girl. (what the fuck!?!? "Assumed" she'd have a girl?!? Jesus fucking Christ what PLANET do you live on!? It's like 'assuming' if you call 'heads' that you'll win the coin flip!) Instead, she got three boys. She wanted to appear to be the perfect mother, so she never let anyone except her husband know her disappointment. (thanks for letting me know that now, honey. nice timing.)

"And they tell you it's a boy, it's like, ahhhh. For that short moment, you're kind of bummed in the back of your mind. There's not going to be any pink dresses. There's not going to be any scrapbooking. That's not going to happen," she said. (Where. Do. I. Start? THIS is the reason you're bummed? Scrapbooking?!? Pink dresses?!? Why do terrorists hate us, again? Refresh my memory.)

Lich gets tired of people making comments such as: "Are you going to try for the girl?" or "You need to have the girl." (yes, those people are equally shoot-in-the-neck-worthy. I'll grant you that one)

Even now, four years after her third child, she can't bring herself to buy clothes for a little girl's birthday because she just can't look at the outfits. (Wow. I mean.......apoplectic is too soft of a word for me here....)

Joyce Venis, a psychiatric nurse in Princeton, N.J.p (epxert, indeed. What, an actual doctor wouldn't back this up?), who works with women suffering from gender disappointment, said it is not really discussed because other people would perceive the disappointment as being ungrateful. (uh, ya' think?!?) Venis said the problem mainly involves women who wanted a daughter.

Just because a woman has a gender preference does not mean she is a bad mother or that she doesn't want the child, Venis said. (if you say so)

"They have the right to want the certain sex," she said. (You watch, America....this will soon be considered a legit affliction by the medical community. Treatable with high-priced drugs, too. Guaranteed. Can't wait for the first lawsuit!!!)

Venis suggests women find out during the pregnancy what sex the baby is so they can deal with any disappointment before the birth. (GREAT suggestion, nurse!!! Then, they can spend nine months even MORE GODDAMNED EMOTIONALLY FUCKED UP!! BRILLIANT ADVICE ASSHAT!!) She said women should find someone to talk with, and if the woman is depressed, she should talk to a therapist. (a therapist suggesting someone talk to a therapist?!? The HELL you say!)

Asbery, the mom who tried with her husband to ensure that she'd have a girl, has a masters degree in clinical psychology, (who says an education is overrated?) and decided to write a book called "Altered Dreams: Living with Gender Disappointment" after sharing her story on mommy message boards. (log-in password: LookAtMEIAMaMOMMY)

She turned to her faith (the faith where you accept what God gives you? That one?) and drew strength from talking to others who felt the same way. She said it's important for people to understand that mothers suffering from gender disappointment want their children and are not bad moms. It's just the plan they had for their family has changed. (sorry. Not buying it. Want different kid than what you got = bad mommy. Done. Fuck you)

Her third son is 3 years old now (and, watches sports, no doubt!), and Asbery admits she still has some pangs of sadness. She sometimes looks at her son and wonders, just for a moment, what he would look like as a girl. (......................(sound of my head hitting wooden floor)....)) She and her husband are not going to have more children. Their family is complete, she said, and she doesn't feel like someone is missing anymore. (except when I PICTURE MY SON AS A CHICK!!!!!)

What she most wants mothers to know is this:

"It's normal. And they shouldn't feel like a freak," she said. "It is a normal process of when a dream has changed. You just have to relearn a different dream." (or, maybe, just maybe, change your dream in the first place?)

Jessica Has Nothing In Her Future Except...Everything

2009-09-29T11:28:00.015-05:00

I hope you remembered to bring some hot cocoa tonight.

I have my pipe, my robe, my pretentious spectacles and I'm sitting in my gorgeous, high-backed, leather armchair. A fire blazes in my darkened den, creating a beautiful chiaroscuro against the cold, wintry night. Sit back, relax and settle in for another edition of:

The Incoherent Ramblings of Jessica Wakeman

You remember Jessica? Of course you do. She last lectured us that marrying for money is not only acceptable but almost noble. We here at the SNC all secretly dreamed of ditching our wives for such a siren.

Why do we love Jessica? Aside from her wildly prodigious and piquant writing ability? Well, she can take whatever singular experience her mid 20s brain processes and turn it into an overarching cultural meme. Throw in a dash of bullshit polemics, a pinch of contradiction, five gallons of really odd narcissism and poof! You have Jessica.

It's not all her fault. It's what people in their mid 20s do. They really do believe that every thought that flows through their neurotransmitters is entirely original and should be voiced...loudly. And nobody will be able to see through their steaming piles of crap.

So, in honor of the recently deceased William Safire and his Rules For Writers, we offer Jessica Wakeman's Rules For Relationship Bloggers Looking To Justify Their Own Selfish Impulses And Vindicate Their Lot In Life:

Rule #1 - Always reference yourself and your choices in life as yardsticks of inherent human truth even if they're unbelievably stupid or, worse, obvious.

Rule #2 - Always inject thinly veiled references to things that show the world how far you've come and how truly mature and wonderful you really are.

Rule #3 - If examples don't exist to back up your point, make shit up.

Rule #4 - The whole point of being a writer is to exact revenge on perceived slights in life so make sure you come out as the tragic hero in the end. How you get there is not relevant.

Let's get started.

CNN.com via TheFrisky.com

Blame my older sister, the kindergarten teacher, but I believe in the Golden Rule (Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! That's officially the 100 billionth time in the history of man somebody referenced the Golden Rule in the first graf. Collect your prize at the front desk.). Whether you're my boss, my intern (WHOA! All her Facebook friends now know Jessica has an intern so we already have Rule #2, even if the intern is shared with the entire office. They don't know that. Bet that intern interview was a rigorous one for TheFrisky.com.), my boyfriend or my third-cousin-twice-removed, I will treat you with the same amount of respect as everyone else. (That's big of her.)

Why am I wired this way? Other kids were really cruel to me from grade school through high school -- whether putting Scotch tape in my hair during class, calling me "Cabbage Patch Kid" because of my chubby cheeks, or circulating my name on a list where girls were ranked by their hotness and I was rated 3 out of 10. (Classic triumph over tragedy. It's Horacio Alger in Schenectady. Stick Hillary Duff in it and the script writes itself!)

That stuff made me feel terrible most of the time and I don't want anyone knowing what that's like. Instead, I try to be kind to every person, regardless of how popular/attractive/smart they are, and not be a brownnoser, ever. (Who brownnoses their friends?)

It's striking to me, though, how not being a kiss-up has ruined my friendships with some very pretty women. In fact, my only friendship Titanics (Is that a metaphor?) have happened when I've stood up to extraordinarily beautiful women and lost out. "The Pretty Girl" wanted me to play by her rules; I didn't want to do it, so Pretty Girl read me the friendship riot act and ditched me. Forever. (Let's all buy Jessica a big, wooden cross so she can climb on up and nail herself to it.)

Let me be clear: I do have girlfriends (Glad that's cleared up). I'm not incapable of being friends with women. I have some really great female friends who are all regular-looking (sigh) like me. When we bicker, we get over it. But when a normal-looking woman like me (You said that! Cripes! You have an intern. Get an editor!) befriends someone who is model-pretty, there's trouble.

Let's face it (Let's!): Beauty is a privilege. It acts like a honing device (Eh...it's HOMING device. (slaps head)) for male attention, opens doors to clubs, causes compliments to rain upon the lucky ones. But if the parties aren't careful, a beautiful friend and a regular-looking friend can get locked into a power dynamic (Because "regular-looking" people like Jessica speak da truth and keeps it real while pretty people all be stick-up bitches.)

Of course, not every beautiful woman lords her privilege over her less beautiful friends. Still, some do. Beauty is a universally valued quality for a woman; it offers privileges that can always be relied on (You! Said! That!). The logic of one's arguments, or articulation of one's emotions, unfortunately, is less reliable. And because plenty of women and men want to be around attractive women (Boy, she hangs around a regular Algonquin Round Table, doesn't she?) just so those privileges can rub off of them (Who's them? And 'of'? Editor!), some beautiful women aren't used to hearing "no."

I truly think my friendship difficulties with pretty women stem from my challenging them with words or reasoning (Okay, Jessica's roommate just moved out on her last week and she was marginally pretty. She'll show her, damn it!), instead of just falling in line with the power dynamic they try to exert.

Jealous? No. I'm resentful (And jealous.). When it becomes clear to me that a beautiful friend of mine plays the "my way or the highway" card, I resent the fact that I'm being valued so little (Her roommate totally just bolted on her. Bet her boyfriend heard the story in 48 different forms over five straight nights.). Compromise and admitting you are wrong are friendship skills which date back to the sandbox days -- I don't care if you look like Megan Fox (Still don't get the Megan Fox fascination. Would somebody clue me in?).

Sasha modeled back in New York, where we went to school; she turned heads with her pretty blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes, and lovely smile (Keep in mind that Jessica's profile over at The Frisky says "straightish" under orientation. Context.). We met studying abroad in Prague ("Now my Facebook friends know about Prague!") together and lived in the same dormitory.

It became clear after a few weeks, though, that Sasha only wanted to do what she wanted to do and when she wanted to do it. She wouldn't go to a Czech restaurant or join me at a dance club just because I wanted her to -- she said "no" all the time (Maybe she didn't really like you and wanted to spare your feelings. Chalk one up for "Sasha". Or she was a roommate you occasionally drank with, not a "friend". There's a difference.). I hated that, of course, but I figured I had to suck it up because the other girls we hung out with parroted whatever Sasha did.

Then one day I was robbed; my passport and all my money was stolen. I told Sasha about it and it surprised me that she didn't offer to spot me even a little Czech currency to tide me over until an American Express wire came through from my dad (Bullshit Alert! That shit takes three hours at most. I did it in Florence ten years ago (look at me!). Couldn't wait three hours, huh?). Instead, Sasha was really quiet.

When I returned from the Czech embassy (Czech (?) embassy...in Prague? More doubts a creepin' in. When you're in a U.S. embassy, you remember the "U.S." part...because it says so in every way possible every four feet.) after replacing my passport, I saw Sasha by my bedroom. Out of left field, she confronted me and accused me of coveting her fiance because I'd once hooked up with a guy who had the same name as her fiance did (This is the part where Jessica conveys the idea that she doesn't really think she's "regular-looking". Here's a "beautiful", probably made-up person thinking that her beautiful, probably made-up fiance would sleep with Jessica. Since we know beautiful people never slum it with anyone below their own range of beauty, Jessica is slyly telling us that there's a chance, on a good day, that she's in the ballgame. See. Bullshit stories to back up an argument serves two purposes. She's so efficient.) . Lusting after a guy I'd never met back in New York? What?! No!

Minutes later, Sasha switched gears and lectured me for calling myself a vegetarian (That week. Vietnamese Buddhism was scheduled for the week after.) even though I eat fish. I defended myself against that accusation, too. After a lot of tsk-tsking and head-shaking on her part, she said she didn't want to be friends anymore and stalked out of my dorm room. OK, whatever kooky lady who kicks a friend when she's down (Feel sorry for yourself much.).

But then over the next few days, I realized the group of girls Sasha and I hung out with (Well, hung out with "Sasha" but you were always there in this version of the fantasy.) were avoiding me completely, but still hanging out with her. What bitches!

Years later, I butted heads again with a roommate (I sense a pattern and it's not the one Jessica is talking about.), Elizabeth, who worked as a professional model and actress (Jessica really can't stop attracting beautiful models. It's a curse, really.). She was tall, slim and elegant, with dark hair, dark eyes and an absolutely breathtaking face. Elizabeth, too, insisted she was right about everything, whether it was whether men should pay on dates or the best way to scour a bathtub (JHC! This crap isn't even worthy of a teenage diary!).

When I disagreed with Elizabeth (Yes. Jessica got into a fight...over cleaning a tub. Line starts at my butt, guys.), she would, without fail, say something in a condescending voice about how I didn't understand XYZ, but she did because she claimed to have had more experience with whatever it was. That kind of "logic" is hard to argue with. Eventually, we had a friendship/happy roommates blowup when I told her that her friend who insisted that he knew how to fix our broken Internet connection was actually making it worse ($20 the guy was right. Ba-Zing!).

I could go on with other examples of disagreements with attractive women (But I can't think of anymore bogus stories...) where I ended up getting ditched, but I think you get the point. It's their loss, I think, because they could have had a friend who stood up to them. That's an asset, ladies (The world IS better with Jessica in it.).

But it's my loss for being so stubborn about arguments that I lose friendships over them. I'm just unwilling to be a butt-kisser. I really, really can't do it.

To be, or not to be: that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles...

See. Tragic hero. Like all great writers, she follows her own rules.

Couldn't Resist

2009-07-28T15:20:00.005-05:00

A small little blurb from David. I'm sensing a repeat for Fuckstick of the Year:

I've also changed the pic to one that truly symbolizes his full douchbaggery...Asshead weave necklace and all.

By David Wygant

One of the funniest things about Los Angeles is that you always feel like you are on a movie set. Here is a perfect example. (That IS funny)
The other night we went out to dinner, and sitting right behind us were Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. (Here it comes….Wait for it.....) I was actually looking directly at Tom Hanks and had no clue that it was him, (There it is! David so isn’t into that—far too cool) until Sonja said to me “Did you see Tom Hanks sitting behind us?”
I am clueless when it comes to celebrities.(It Ain't just that, Asshole) I could be staring directly at a celebrity and would have no idea. That just shows you how much I don’t care about any of this! To me, people are just people. (Oh, wow. He’s so normal.)
Anyway, it’s Monday. Welcome to a new week and something with which I want to kick start it . . . (What theFUCK did the Tom Hanks shit have to do with any of this?!)
There is something that all of you need to do this week. You need to break up with some of your friends. (Oh, this is good. I have to take a moment here to confess something—when I do David’s SNC entries I don’t research in any way. I just randomly pick an entry and go with it.)
There are friends of yours who just really no longer suit your lifestyle. They could be friends with whom you just don’t have anything in common anymore. (So get rid of them. They had kids? Fuck ‘em. Crampin my style. David, most guys over 23 don’t go to Whole Foods and stalk women)
Think about why you’re still friends with some of your friends. Perhaps you shared your gum with them in the fifth grade and then got drunk together for the first time in the eighth grade, so you feel like there is a reason you should still be friends with them. (Shared gum?)
If they’re holding you back, though, you need to start breaking up with them. (We get it. Jesus.) You want to spend your time with people who don’t hold you back in life. (Yeah, man. Get out of my life. Why? You’re boring.) You want to be with people who actually share the same goals that you have. You want to be around people who want to move forward in life. (Paid by the word.)
So you need to go to take a good look at your phone, and you need to eliminate the numbers of people with whom you no longer connect. (I call my grandma about once every three weeks. She’s out.) You don’t have to physically break up with them. Don’t call them up or send them a letter. (Send them a letter? To tell them you're ending your friendship? Please tell me you’re joking. Please)
In your own head (and phone), you just need to start breaking up with the people who no longer fit your lifestyle. Life is about change. (Holy shit. WE GET IT!!!! Repeat yourself one more time, assbag and I’m flying out to Malibu or Santa Barbara or god knows whatever trendy bullshit town you live in and kicking you in the scrotum. And by scrotum I mean your face.)
Many of you out there get stuck in “stagnant world.” I have met people who will actually tell me, “I have all the friends I need.” If you have all the friends you’ll ever need, then you are not growing as a person. (Just go stalk them at Whole Foods)
I like to open my life to new friends every single day. If I can meet new friends, it means that I’m growing and learning new things. If you stick to a routine, you’ll never grow (Again, you just said this.)

Money Well Spent

2009-07-23T09:58:00.002-05:00

By Carol Mithers

(OPRAH.com) (Fasten your set belts) -- The more science learns about how men are different from us (right down to the structure of their brains), the more we find ourselves hoping it will finally explain some age-old mysteries. For instance:

Study by BMW finds men view their cars as an extension of themselves. (The three guys who write this blog could care two shits about cars. Good start.)

Why do men keep their cars spotless but live like pigs at home -- while for women it's the other way around? (Umm...what?)
According to Simon Baron-Cohen, (Loved him in Borat) Ph.D., author of "The Essential Difference: Male and Female Brains and the Truth About Autism," (Autism?) men's neurological wiring tends to make them better at systems, while women are superiorly rigged for empathy. (I still can't figure out the goddamn garage door starter--strike one)
Which could help explain why -- although the culture is changing -- guys still take such pride in their machines, while women often care more about maintaining a clean home. (Cliches 101. Thanks, Oprah!)
Another clue comes from a 2007 study (conducted for BMW by a British team that included Oxford psychologists), which found that male drivers actually view their cars as extensions of themselves. (You already said this) Women, whose self-image is tied more directly to their bodies, are likely to think of their vehicles as separate entities, the authors suggest. But because men are less tuned-in to their bodies, they easily project their identity onto an object. If only that object were a sink full of dirty dishes. (Oh, she's a bad one)
Why do men like to watch violent sports, while a good number of women would rather do almost anything else? (Heeeeeeeeeere we go)
The truth is, football has a lot of female fans (44.3 million women watched the 2009 Super Bowl, for example).(Stop quoting this stat.) But guys are drawn to football (and boxing and wrestling) in ways that women aren't. (gee, this took a study?)

Men tend to be more aggressive, says Lucy L. Brown, Ph.D., (Paid. She was paid for this insight) a professor in the departments of neurology and neuroscience at Einstein College of Medicine in New York City. The difference likely involves hormones (like testosterone) and sensitivities to those hormones in parts of the brain such as the hypothalamus -- which, in animals, is associated with aggression. (I learned this in 5th grade Biology. Seriously. Who doesn't know this?)
Fine, but does he really have to shriek "Kill him!" (No man says this at a game. Never. If they did they would be mocked.) when the other team's quarterback is about to get sacked? Yes, he does: If you're a guy, watching your team win increases testosterone levels, according to a 1998 study in Physiology & Behavior. (It also is an escape from the never ending minutia details of life that we seem to have to go over 500 fucking times a week!)
Viewing combative sports also helps men identify with traditional ideals of masculinity like domination, risk taking, and competition, explains Douglas Hartmann, Ph.D., associate professor of sociology at the University of Minnesota. (I wanna party with this guy!)
"In fact," he says, "the less physically competitive his daily life is, the more sports can become a means toward achieving those ideals, at least in his mind." (I can feel the starch in his shirt)
Why can a man enthusiastically (very enthusiastically) sleep with a woman he knows he'll never see again? (Jumpin around much?)
Well, there's the old Evolution Did It theory: Men are hardwired to spread their seed; women, to find a mate who will protect the children she may bear. Physical differences may play a role, too. According to Lisa Diamond, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah, not only do female rats have more extensive brain circuits for oxytocin -- which helps mammals to bond -- than males but in humans, women show greater release of the neurochemical during sex (especially orgasm) than men. (Men like to fuck. Women like to cuddle. Wow. The sexes figured out in one story!)
Also, biological anthropologist and Rutgers University professor Helen Fisher, Ph.D., notes: "The two brain hemispheres are less well connected in men than in women. This gives men the ability to focus on one thing at a time and be very goal oriented, whereas the female brain is built to assimilate many feelings at once, and to connect sex and love much more rapidly." (Got it)
Interesting, plausible theories all, (not really) but Lucy Brown cautions that we're still really just guessing. And in the end, the fact that men forever remain a bit of a mystery may be part of what keeps us intrigued. (Go shopping while the games on. Done.)

Her Name Is Jessica Wakeman And She Sounds Like A Keeper

2009-07-19T13:02:00.003-05:00

Marriage seems to be the topic du jour lately.

Sandra Tsing Loh of The Atlantic caused a minor internet stir with her treatise against marriage. I implore everyone to give it a read. It's like a baseball player who is bad at baseball things blaming the game itself for his shortcomings. Aaron Traister's rebuttal in Salon offers something much more wonderfully nuanced and real.

But maybe it's the recession causing people to reexamine value systems and maybe it's our culture's thorough embrace of unfettered narcissism finally coming to a head.

While I agree that way too many people get married (and get married for the wrong reasons) in the world, if you're going to make a case against marriage, the only prerequisite is you probably should write it well.

This...unfortunately...is not one of those.

Via CNN.com (Natch)

By Jessica Wakeman

(The Frisky) -- There's a new book out called "Smart Girls Marry Money: How Women Have Been Duped Into the Romantic Dream -- And How They Are Paying For It," by Elizabeth Ford and Daniela Drake ($20 bet that, in between the lines, the real advice is for women to find a way to not have a job. It fills a nice niche market, though: People who realize that after every second date, they have nothing left to offer. Boring people need tropes to conceal this fact. Poof! Marrying for money is the only way to go because marriage is stupid in the first place.).

Love won't pay the bills, says author, so she plans to marry a man with money (I don't know. Last time I checked, a jobbie-job paid the bills so unless you dream of wiping your ass with diamond-studded toilet paper, what's the real problem?) .

Forget for a moment that they annoyingly refer to grown women as "girls" in their title (Yes, that's the most annoying thing with this) and check out their thesis: because, for a variety of reasons, men earn more money than women, it's a wise move to marry someone who can provide for you and your family.

I haven't read the book (But let's write about it. Let's.), so I have no idea if it is filled with sexist swill or not. But just reading Newsweek's article (!) about the book, it sounds like pretty sensible advice to me.

Before you get upset, I will acknowledge a bunch of things that I know to be true: yes, women earn less than men for a lot of sexist reasons and that discrimination must stop (Finally, a clarion call! Rally around Jessica!). Yes, mothers get "mommy-tracked" and their careers are stalled (Women have ovaries and men don't. Read the inside of the boxtop). And of course there are all kinds of misfires to the "marry rich" idea, such as the rich guy who is an a-hole (Being an asshole is just an example. Not the overarching theme. Just one...). But that doesn't change the fact that marrying a man with money can be a better idea than marrying someone who is broke.

Take me, for instance. I'm afraid I'm going to get tarred and feathered as a "bad feminist" for admitting this, but yeah, I do want to marry someone who can financially support both me and our kids.

I'm not ashamed to "marry for money," if that's what would you can even call it, because I don't fundamentally believe it is the "man's role" to provide for women (Yes you do. That's exactly what you're saying. You just said it in the previous paragraph!!!!!).

My actual motivations, as I see them, are pure enough (Relativism is important in life. Everyone must find a way to fit their own bullshit into a cohesive fairy tale that we can believe in). I know of great guys out there -- journalists, teachers, non-profit dudes -- who will probably make great dads. But I personally wouldn't pair up with them because, realistically, our two salaries together just wouldn't be enough to cut it for what I want out of life (Or "realistically", they didn't call you back after a slew of first dates). But, but, but, "Bank accounts shouldn't matter at all!" And while I agree with that in theory, sorry, a man who can provide for me and our children is just much more attractive to me (OMG!!! YOU JUST SAID IT'S NOT THE MAN'S ROLE TO PROVIDE FOR WOMEN!!!!!).

Bank accounts -- and debts -- do matter. And acknowledging that doesn't make me a gold digger akin to Anna Nicole Smith -- it makes me smart (Keep telling yourself that. As an aside, if and when some guy approaches the time when he might marry Jessica, do you think he might read some of her work? Run away, man. Run. Away.) .

Right now, I rent an apartment in New York City (not cheap) and pay all my own bills myself (Jessica pays her own bills! She's the kind of strong, independent woman we should all model ourselves after.). But I'm living at the edge of my own means as it is. I don't make a lot of money as a journalist, I owe lots of money to student loans and unless my future husband or I had a great job prospect someplace else, I don't want to live outside New York City, or very far from NYC, because that's where the media capital of the world is right now (No. You want to marry and quit your job. Then do some occasional freelancing like this crap to convince yourself you're still 'in it').

Maybe this isn't "feminist," but logically, I need to marry a guy who makes more money than I do -- preferably a lot more money than I do -- for us to be able to afford what I want and I hope he will want, too. An apartment big enough for kids, prenatal care, doctors appointments, birthday presents, vacations, summer camp, college, their own car (um...what?), all that stuff.

I know parents can raise children well on much less. But personally, that's not the lifestyle I grew up with. I want to be able to give my children everything I had -- maybe a little less, maybe a little more -- because I think my parents did a great job (Because they gave you shit. That's the essence of great parenting in Jessica's eyes.).

I also would immediately disqualify entering into a sharing-bank-accounts relationship with a man who proved to be irresponsible with his cash (At night, Jessica dreams of playing with someone else's money). College loan debt is fine (I've got it) and a reasonable balance on the credit card debt is understandable (I've got that, too) (If she's done it, it's fine.). But I couldn't wrap up my life or my children's lives around someone who spent or managed money irresponsibly. I don't want to deal with that drama 'cause I know we'd just argue about it all the time (Take note. The larger point is in a discussion about marriage, Jessica has yet to mention anything relating to marriage that doesn't revolve around money. Where does the line form to marry Jessica?).

True story: I used to babysit for a family where the mom was Latina and the dad was white; she was able to receive funding from the government to start her own business as part of some kind of "minority small business ownership program." (I seriously question the insertion of race here. I offers no context to the story except to ickily mollify stupid people who can be swayed by white male bashing.)

But really, her husband, who had been laid off after 9/11, ran the business and he hired my older brother to work for him. Over the course of several months, my brother told me all about how this guy I babysat for spent money willy-nilly and eventually ran his business into the ground. Not surprisingly, this couple separated and I think eventually divorced. The last time I saw the mother, there was a moving truck in front of their house.

I realize that's just one anecdotal story, but I'm sharing it to demonstrate a larger point: there is nothing feminist about assuming your partner's debt (But that's not a case for marrying money and finding a man that can provide for women. It's a case for not marrying a fucking loser. There's a difference). And it goes both ways -- I wouldn't blame a man for not wanting to marry a woman who spent money irresponsibly.

Couples' finances are intertwined with one another and if he screws you up, or you screw up him, bad stuff is gonna happen to both of you. That's why a man who makes a decent amount of money and is responsible with it will always, always be more attractive to most women (But that is not what Jessica said at least three times. She said she is looking for a guy to "provide for her and her family" while simultaneously saying it's "not fundamentally a man's role to provide for" her and her family. I can already see the personal ad in a few years: SWF seeking someone else's bank account. Love not necessary because I have little to offer as a human being. Money fills the void quite nicely.)

This Is Gonna End Well

2009-06-04T21:19:00.003-05:00

Just 16, prep phenom lands SI cover
Las Vegas sensation dubbed 'Baseball's Chosen One'

From Jesse Sanchez, MLB.com:

Bryce Harper is bigger than the NBA Finals this week (Is he some sort of colossus?). He's bigger than the Stanley Cup (Lord Stanley's Mug is like three feet tall. That's a mixed metaphor.).

The image of the Las Vegas High School sensation with the desert mountains of Nevada serving as his playground (So...he's a colossus. At least that's settled.) graces the June 8 cover of Sports Illustrated on newsstands today in a tribute fitting of the nation's newest and youngest baseball star.

In large bold black letters, the magazine proclaims Harper as "Baseball's Chosen One." (Well...here's a list of SI's ridiculous use of the term "Chosen One." 52 in all. Kellen Winslow, Jr....twice.) The cover features his biggest numbers: 570-foot home runs, 96 mph fastballs and his age, 16. He is hailed on the cover as the most exciting prodigy since LeBron James and his central placement on the magazine is fit for a king (Whew! Glad they didn't go overboard and proclaim him...oh...wait...they did.). In the top right corner of the cover, there's a small mention of the NBA Finals. In top left corner, the tease to the Stanley Cup Finals floats as if it has just been hit by Harper's left-handed swing (JHC, we get it. Jesse, you know the internet has pictures, right? This isn't radio.).

The next seven days in the magazine's spotlight belong to the sophomore, but those who know the teenager best say this Thursday is no different for him than last Thursday or the Thursday before that.

Yes, he's Harper the national cover boy, but he's also the same old Bryce. He always has been (Here's where you screwed up, Jesse. That should have read, "He may be the national cover boy, but like all 16 year-olds, Bryce has homework to do." See. That's the kind of stuff that gets you a job at the Paper of Record.).

"I've watched him in his freshman and sophomore years and it seems to me that everybody knows what a big deal he is but him," Las Vegas High School principal Debbie Brockett said. "He comes from an amazing grounded and humble family and we appreciate that. The kids treat him the same, like their friend, even though he's in the spotlight."

Brockett was on hand when Harper, who pitches and plays catcher, received the team's Most Valuable Offensive Player Award from Wildcats head coach Sam Thomas during the annual baseball banquet Wednesday night. The guests dined on catered Mexican food (But what kind of cars did they drive to the gathering in? I need more details!) and watched a touching slideshow of the season in the school cafeteria. Three Most Improved Player Awards were handed out and surprisingly, no awards were given for Most Valuable Player, Outstanding Player or Defensive standout for a Wildcats team that was eliminated in the Regional Championship by Valley High School (That IS surprising.).

It didn't matter. Everybody in the room was in a great mood and everybody knew who the biggest star of the evening was. The 6-foot-3, 205-pound Harper stood out from the pack even if he didn't want to (He's chockablock with humble humbleness and humility. When you say it eight times in the first eight graphs, it makes it more true.).

"I saved him for last," Thomas said. "I am very proud to have him in our program. We are lucky he's around and we appreciate everything he has done." (He's no Bacon, though.)

Harper hit .626 with 14 home runs and 55 RBIs in 115 at-bats for the Wildcats this season. He hit 22 doubles, nine triples and stole 36 bases. He only struck out five times. (Hey! I had 115 at-bats in my senior year. And I did not "only strike out five times." Many are still feelin' my breeze.)

In the Sports Illustrated cover story, writer Tom Verducci chronicles the story of how Harper evolved from a 3 year old that used to play T-Ball against 6 year olds into a travel team player and 16-year-old wonder that hit the longest home run in the history of Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg, Fla.

Verducci writes about Harper's performance at the Area Code Games, a 570-ft home run, and makes reference to other young baseball phenoms like Justin Upton, Alex Rodriguez, and Ken Griffey Jr. in the piece appropriately titled, Baseball's LeBron (You said that!).

The magazine article also reveals that Harper's parents, Ron and Sheri, are looking for ways to make their son eligible for the draft next year instead of 2011 (Yep! They're humble. Not trying to cash in or anything. Mortgage be due! Cue the "Gonna Get Paid!" dance music.) and that one of the teenager's advisers is Scott Boras (Cripes. This is gonna end well.). Harper told Verducci that he hopes to play in the Major Leagues when he's 18 or 19 (Cool your jets there, Cha-Cha. Up until this point, I didn't really care about Bryce. Now I don't really like him.).

"I'm going to play against you the way Pete Rose did," Harper told Verducci. "I'm going to try to rip your head off. That's just the way I am. Old school. If I could play for a guy like Lou Piniella or Larry Bowa, I'd love it." (SHIT!!!! Now I hate him!!!)

Harper is a natural. He might play like Rose but he talks like the fictional baseball star Roy Hobbs (Was "I'm going to try to rip your head off," in the script to The Natural? I forget.). The teen's goals are what movies are made of.

"Be in the Hall of Fame, definitely. Play in Yankee Stadium. Play in the pinstripes. Be considered the greatest baseball player who ever lived. I can't wait," he told Verducci (Speaking of scripts. Write the script to the end of this one. And what's that about being humble again?).

So when Thomas says he is not ruling out any possibility for his star player, he's not kidding (I wish he'd kid more.). The Wildcats coach said the first time he saw Harper the boy was a big, fun-loving kid and was already better skilled than the other players at the baseball camp.

Harper was 6.

"I didn't see him again until he was 10 when he played against my son in club ball game and he was so far superior to everybody else on the field that it was amazing to me," Thomas said. "There is still no comparison. He has every tool that there is to play the game."

Thomas has an eye for talent. He's been a coach Las Vegas High School for 11 years and estimates he has coached 30 players that have gone on to play college baseball (So he's no fool.). Sean Kazmar, currently at Triple-A in the San Diego organization, is a 2002 graduate of Las Vegas High School.

Thomas also played catcher for University of Nevada-Reno but his claim to fame dates back to high school. Thomas graduated from Valley High School in 1983 and played on the same team as future Hall of Fame pitcher Greg Maddux, who was one year his junior. (Relative Greatness! Hiiiii, Buuuuuddy.)

Thomas says he can see some of Maddux in Harper (Both look like your accountant?).

"Both are the consummate competitor and they want to win more than anybody else," Thomas said. "Greg had a tremendous work ethic. I say Bryce's is second to none. Looking back, Greg was always working on things. Bryce does that."

Baseball matters, but the importance of school work is not lost on the young star or his family (There we go. Cutesy, bullshit flow sentence. Jesse, your phone is ringing. You are about to be involved in a bidding war for your services between the New York Times Style Section and CNN.com.). The Harpers arranged a Friday afternoon press conference to accommodate the numerous interview requests but primarily put the press conference together so the teenager could concentrate on his final exams (So he can drop out of high school and enter the draft next year.). They also want their son to enjoy his last day of school Thursday just like every other student not on the cover of Sports Illustrated (Glurp...).

"He isn't as giddy or as excited as other people are (Yeah. Those quotes make him sound so calm and cool.) and it's kind of weird," Thomas said. "Either it hasn't sunk in or he's handling like an everyday deal. Me, I'm excited because the kid deserves it and to see your high school uniform on a national publication is fantastic." ("Coach, we're talking about me here. Stop or I'll go Old School on your ass and rip your head off.")

Anybody Up For Some Bacon-Wrapped Bacon?

2009-05-30T13:21:00.006-05:00

As a former fatty, I could talk about psychological battle of losing weight for months. It's entirely complicated, loaded with nuances and an infinite amount of talking points.

Thank you, Jan Hoffman of the New York Times Style section. She successfully writes an entire article without including one of those.

Count the number of times she mentions possible sneers from the public toward a fat person and count the number of times she fails to mention the health risks of being fat.

Bingeing on Celebrity Weight Battles

By JAN HOFFMAN (Yes. That Jan Hoffman.)

WHEN Kirstie Alley recently stepped onto the scale for the first time in 15 months, she screamed (If you had fat hoss in the poll, you lose. If you had sweaty fat hoss, collect your money at the front desk).

When Oprah Winfrey realized she was the “dreaded 2-0-0,” she wrote in the January issue of her magazine: “I’m mad at myself. I’m embarrassed.” (Piffle. Tip 265 and feel like you should shower every time you take a crap and get back to me.)

In the last year, so many celebrities have shared their body battles with us: Carnie Wilson. Kathy Ireland. Valerie Bertinelli. Marie Osmond. Melissa Joan Hart. Up, down. Up, down (It's been a great ride).

Up.

The scale said 228 pounds, recalled Ms. Alley, who famously (?) lost 75 pounds on the Jenny Craig diet . She had gained it all back and then some (Bullshit. "And then some" would connote 25 pounds max. No fucking way Kirstie Alley was ever 150. Us Magazine would have told me). Earlier this month she told People: “I was so much more disgusting than I thought!”

Really? (Jan's a fattty.)

That view is not shared by Gabrielle Gregg, a 22-year-old from Detroit who writes a fashion blog, “Young, Fat and Fabulous.” (Natch.)

“I’m 200 pounds and I don’t think I’m disgusting,” she said.

In addition to tracking celebrities’ tours of duty in rehab and fashion faux pas, the public has become the official weight watcher, checking the cellulite and food choices of the famous with a gotcha zeal. (No, Jan. Your little cadre of friends and your little sphere of existence "has become the official weight watcher." Quit projecting your stupid-ass crap on my world.)

Some celebrities, like Jennifer Love Hewitt, Tyra Banks, Kim Kardashian, Jessica Simpson and Kelly Clarkson, respond to the tabloid finger-pointing with shoulder shrugs or defiance.

But others take part eagerly. Their weight sagas inevitably include self-abasement as a springboard to their new selves. “Hideous!” Ms. Alley commented about one of her photographs.

How do heavy (Carol word! "She's a heavy-set woman.") women — many of whom bluntly describe themselves as fat (THE HORROR!!!) — respond to these sagas? Judging by the Internet applause, many feel inspired and connect to the celebrities’ seeming candor (Candor? Fat's fat, and that's that. What? I have to add 'fat' to the list of words I can't use now?).

But for many, these mortification-of-the-flesh narratives are not galvanizing, but toxic, undermining their hard-won self-esteem and exacerbating the derision they face (Butch up, Sally.). These celebrity stories can even be counterproductive: health experts say that many famous dieters flaunt weight-loss goals that are unrealistic for most obese women (Here's an idea. DON'T TAKE WEIGHT LOSS AND BODY IMAGE ADVICE FROM FUCKING TELEVISION AND PEOPLE FUCKING MAGAZINE!!!!).

It’s not that these women are unsympathetic to Ms. Alley. Been there, felt that. “You loathe yourself,” Ms. Alley told People. “You hate what you’ve done to yourself.”

But the yo-yo dieting and disparaging comments prompt some women to feel unmotivated and hopeless.

“I can’t believe this is still getting to me,” said Sarah Morice, 31, a doctoral candidate in theology at Notre Dame. “I see what Kirstie Alley says about herself and how easy it is for that to become my script. It’s easy to lapse into ‘Oh, my body’s ugly,’ and ‘What’s the use?’ She triggers all those messages for me.” (Oh. Ma God. We're talking about a doctoral candidate...in theology...at Notre Dame...seeing herself psychologically on par with...Kirstie Alley. And actually taking something from it.)

For women who have made peace with their bodies, confessions by Ms. Winfrey and Ms. Alley seem puzzling, even irritating. To them, the “before” shots of these celebrities look pretty good.

(I'm a bad person and going straight to hell.)

“Kirstie looks the same as me, to the inch, height and weight,” said Emily Schaibly Greene, 29, a medical lab technician in Hattiesburg, Miss. “It took me a long time to get there (You were bigger? Going straight to hell times 12,000), but I’m feeling good with how I look. But it’s difficult to keep liking the way I look when I’m reading that it’s gross.” (I'm going to write something: Larry King is the smartest human in the recorded history of the world and you're a moron if you don't think so. Now...Emily. Read that 2,000 times.

Waiting...

Okay, Emily. Do you think Larry King is the smartest man in the world? If you do, I can't help you. In fact, nobody can. If you like yourself, like yourself. If you don't and think you could stand to lose of few pounds, put down the lard-infused lard and do it. I get it. The girl world is an infinitely complex one that men can't ever fully know but it's time for women to start crying foul on the stupidity of women. Taking advice from celebrities is step one. Step two is liking Sarah Palin because she also sports a va-jay-jay but one step at a time.)

Of course, celebrities, especially those with diet products and books to sell, never intended to make women feel bad about themselves. In 1988, Ms. Winfrey, emerging cocoon-like from her first major public diet, put on her skinny jeans and triumphantly lugged a wagon loaded with 67 pounds of fat, setting herself up as an inspirational role model. She could do it; so could they.

When the surgeon general issued a call to action about obesity in 2001, celebrity weight-loss regimens took on the mantle of public service.

Since then, Americans have become increasingly intimate with how famous people transform their bodies. Some celebrities, like Carnie Wilson and Valerie Bertinelli, invited us to scrutinize their bathroom scales, portion sizes or even gastric bypasses.

Losing weight is also TV entertainment, from “The Biggest Loser” to “Bulging Brides” (“The perfect day is still pounds away!”).

If you can judge celebrities and TV contestants, does that give you license to judge the woman on the street? Lesley Kinzel, who writes for the blog Fatshionista and weighs about 300 pounds, says she has to brace herself when she goes out in Boston (Yes. The extreme health problems and infinite complications involved with carrying around so much weight, something that has been studied and documented ad nauseam, is a myth. The real problem is what Douchey McDouchebag at the corner Starbuck's might say under his breath.).

“When you have famous people turning their weight tribulations into mass-media extravaganzas,” she said, “they’re contributing to a culture where passing comments on strangers’ bodies is considered O.K.”. (Still no mention of the health risks, only what some jag-bag might think.)

When a celebrity regains weight, it doesn’t have to register as a fall from sylph-grace (Jan really dug into the thesaurus for that one). Rebecca Puhl, an expert on weight stigma at Yale’s Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity, said that when Oprah Winfrey is frank about her fluctuations, she has the potential to normalize the conversation.

“Celebrities can show us how complex this problem is, “she said. “Even if you have all the resources at your fingertips, it doesn’t make you immune. So it’s important to see that it’s a battle for everyone.” (Thank you, Captain Obvious.)

But the goals celebrities set for themselves can be problematic, Dr. Puhl added. Ms. Alley, who is 58 years old (Really?) and 5 feet 8 inches tall, told People, “I have to be below 140 to really look good.” Many experts counsel obese patients to lose about 10 percent of their weight rather than aim for an ideal number. For a 300-pound person, that’s 30 pounds.

Dr. Puhl worries that many celebrities cast their weight gain as a failure of character. (And celebrities have always been known as the real arbiter of truth and reason.)

Last week, for instance, People magazine featured the actress Melissa Joan Hart, in a bikini and weighing 113 pounds, saying her heavier, post-pregnancy self was “horrifying.”

“The culture rewards that self-disgust,” said Kate Harding, one of the authors of “Lessons from the Fat-o-sphere: Quit Dieting and Declare a Truce with Your Body.” “Once you acknowledge that your body is not O.K., then people love you, because that’s what expected of fat people all the time.” (Society's fault, not the block of cheese you ate at 3am last night.)

A fat person on a diet sends a social and moral message, said Charlotte Biltekoff, an assistant professor at the University of California, Davis who researches food and cultural values. That is because Americans equate body size with Puritan values (And we get to the impetus of this entry for the SNC. Puritan values? Puritan values. Somebody has a book to sell and desperately wants to make tenure. Stupid theses usually do the trick. Like Dr. Biltekoff's forthcoming book, The Terror Within: Obesity In Post 9/11 U.S. Life.). Thin means self-discipline and hard work; fat implies laziness, gluttony and lack of willpower (Well...).

A dieter signals publicly that she is “in the process of self-denial, recovery and reform,” Dr. Biltekoff said. “So the pursuit of thinness may mean as much as thinness itself. Oprah and Kirstie are performing this for us.”

Laura Miller, 28, an unemployed saleswoman in an Atlanta suburb, has been Good Kirstie and Bad Kirstie. Ms. Miller once lost more than 100 pounds and even worked for a diet center. She understands well the riveting, schadenfreude appeal of celebrity confessions. It is no small feat to have arrived at a proud weight and believe that you’ve done something Oprah herself couldn’t.

“While I was losing weight and heard about people gaining it back, I felt so morally superior to them,” Ms. Miller said (Sounds like a personality flaw to me. Thanks for sharing that, Laura.).

But then she couldn’t stop the weight loss. She felt physically awful, even as friends told her how lucky she was to finally be losing pounds effortlessly.

In fact, she said, she was gravely ill. She was hospitalized with what turned out to be Type 1 diabetes. (Don't lose weight, people! It'll give you diabetes.)

She is healthier now, but is back to 200 pounds. At the market, shoppers glance from her to her cart (Ugh. Still. No. Mention. Of. The. Health. Risks. Just more of this crap?!) “Kirstie and Oprah help the public to believe that we have only ourselves to blame,” Ms. Miller said. “ ‘You did this to yourself, you should feel bad.’ ” (I totally forgot. I put the fork in her mouth because I watched E! News a few nights ago.)

That accusation can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy, Dr. Puhl said. People who internalize the stereotypes, she said, “are more likely to engage in binge eating and other unhealthy behaviors that lead to weight gain.” (So...is there anything that's our fault? If society bought the two dozen doughnuts and society made me eat them while sitting on the couch for 600 hours straight, shouldn't I be getting reimbursed by the government or something under the American Puritan Values Exploitation Act of 1997? Or can't we just tie it in to the GM bailout?)

About seven years ago, Dr. David A. Kessler, a former commissioner of the Food and Drug Administration (I talked to that dude for a story in 2001. And it was about an obesity drug. Weird.), was watching Oprah Winfrey’s show as a woman berated herself for eating even when she wasn’t hungry, calling herself “fat” and “ugly.”

It’s no wonder she ate compulsively, Dr. Kessler said. His new book, “The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite,” looks at how the brain, beginning in childhood, is stimulated by foods loaded with fat, sugar and salt. (I'm suddenly craving a deep-fried Snickers bar with ranch dipping sauce. You?)

“Celebrities perpetuate the idea that we have a handle on this, that we understand what is driving our behavior,” Dr. Kessler said. But resisting certain foods “is not an issue of willpower. This is not about shame and humiliation.”

Developing new, rewarding stimuli takes time, said Dr. Kessler, a former yo-yo dieter himself.

“No one wants to be fat,” he added, “but I care most that people stop beating up on themselves.” (We made it!! Three mentions of society giving shameful looks and not one mention of the health risks!!! Jan, you are my sunshine. Now, if we can only find a way to blame society for the plague of baldness. Where would I pick up my check?)

OK...She's Officially On My Nerves...

2009-04-30T13:04:00.003-05:00

Suze Orman's recession rescue plan

(OPRAH.COM) -- Do you know what your family would do if you lost your job -- or worse, your home? (Yeah, shake my head in smug dissatisfaction) Financial expert Suze Orman is ready to help you devise a recession rescue plan to survive -- and possibly thrive -- during this deepening financial crisis. (Oh, thrive? Yes!)

Suze Orman says you should pay the minimum on credit cards until you have eight-month emergency fund. (And I get this emergency fund while not working how?)

Families are also losing their homes at a staggering rate. Each day, another 10,000 homes are foreclosed, forcing families to turn to shelters filled to capacity. Left with no place else to go, some people are putting makeshift roofs over their heads in tent cities. (John Steinbeck is writing a book about them)
As the crisis continues, it's easy to let fear take over -- but it doesn't have to. (It is more fun, however.) Orman's five-step plan can help you rise above and take control. "There's only one person that's going to save you right now, and that's yourself," she says. (Oh, God, that's great. Affirmations. That's all we need!) "You have got to get on what I'm calling the 'save yourself movement.' Each and every one of you has to have your own personal financial stimulus action plan." (There it is! Stimulus plan. I knew it was coming!)
Step 1: Live on half
Whether you're single or in a double-income household, Orman says you need to live on only half of what you're used to -- and put the rest in the bank. (Does that include buying a half tank of gas to get to work?) "If all of a sudden you find yourself without a job -- or your partner finds themselves without a job -- you are now going to have your income cut by 50 percent almost immediately," Orman says. (Wow. That's some incite, there, Suze.)
Unemployment also only makes up about 50 percent of your income, Orman says.
By living on half now, Orman says you'll know whether you can really afford to pay your bills if the worst happens. "When you are freaked out, that is not the time that you go through your expenses and go, 'Should I cut here?'" she says. (But it is what has to happen in many cases. But that's for a different time.)
Orman says to try living on half for six months. "Chances are, it will take you six months to eight months to one year [to find a job]," Orman says. "See what would happen if recession really hit into your lives. Would you be able to make it?" (Better yet, rent half your apartment to a squatter)
Step 2: Stash your cash
In today's economy, cash is king -- and your credit could be shrinking daily.
Before this recession, credit cards could always be used in case of emergency. Now, Orman says credit card companies are making it more difficult for people to use their cards. (By putting glue on the stripe) Afraid people won't be paying their bills, Orman says companies are closing accounts with zero balances, reducing credit limits for those paying a little at a time and hiking up interest rates. (They can't turn a profit on government bailout money alone? Have a heart!)
If your credit card is no longer available, what do you do if you lose your job and have no savings? "You will be in serious trouble," Orman says. (Gets paid millions for this sage advice, folks. Millions.)
Before the recession, Orman says she would advise anyone with a severance payment or a small lump sum to put it toward debt. But as the economy changes, so must your financial strategy, Orman says -- which is why she's changing the advice she's been giving for years. (No spine.)
"If all you currently have is a very small emergency fund and you have unpaid credit card debt, ... you are only to pay the minimum amount due on your credit cards," she says. "Stash the cash till you have at least an eight-month emergency fund." (Huh? I thought people who only paid minimum were getting their cards devoured?)
Paying only minimums doesn't give you the license to rack up a bigger balance. "No credit card usage, everybody," Orman says. "Pay for things in cash." (But only pay half. Lanlords love that.)
Step 3: Make the stimulus package work for you
Part of the intention behind the economic stimulus plan passed by Congress is to create millions of jobs for Americans -- but it's also designed to lend a helping hand to those out of work. (Unemployment insurance was around a long time before this)
Many people who have been laid off qualify for COBRA health coverage. (Oh, yeah! Anybody who has ever been on COBRA will tell you how fantastic it is!) "If you happen to get laid off, you lose your job, you have 18 months where that company has got to cover you with health insurance," Orman says.
COBRA can be very expensive (no shit), but Orman has good news -- the government is now subsidizing your premium. For nine months, you only have to pay 35 percent of the monthly premium. After the nine months, you're back to paying 100 percent. (So when that baby comes, you're on your own..)
This coverage is available to anyone who was laid off between September 1, 2008, through the end of 2009 -- as long as your company provides COBRA. You have 60 days to enroll, and you can get it even if you declined your employer's initial offer. Employers and employees can learn more at the Department of Labor's Web site
Another aim of the stimulus package is to give the economy a much-needed boost -- especially in the housing market. Part of the plan includes an $8,000 tax credit for first-time home buyers. "This is for only homes purchased in 2009," Orman says. "If you owe $10,000 on taxes, you're going to only owe $2,000 after it's over. It comes off your actual taxes that you owe." (Thanks, Captain Obvious)
In order to take advantage of this incentive, Orman says you have to qualify. "You cannot make more than $75,000 a year of adjusted gross income if you are single; $150,000 in adjusted gross income if you are married, filing jointly," Orman says. (I think she's just reading off a government website. Seriously, punch in "New home owner 2009 taxes" in Google and you get this same info.)
But it may not be a great deal for all first-timers.
Step 4: Make your home affordable
Skyrocketing foreclosure rates and plummeting home prices have brought the country to the brink. If you're about to fall behind on your mortgage -- or even lose your home -- Orman says there's a way to keep a roof over your head.
The Homeowner Affordability and Stability Plan hopes to help as many as 9 million American families afford their homes. It's comprised of two parts -- the Home Affordable Modification program and the Home Affordable Refinance program.
The loan modifcation program is designed to help families dangerously close to foreclosure. The government estimates it could help 3 to 4 million homeowners keep their homes and reduce their monthly mortgage payments.
Orman says there are two things you have to do to see if you qualify:
• Go to MakingHomeAffordable.gov. The government site will ask you a series of questions and assess your eligibility. (Do you have any living heirs? Can we take some tissue from the back of the neck?)
• If the site says you are eligible, contact your bank to see if they will give you a modification. (Oh, yeah, those banks. I'll hold my breath.)
So who will benefit from the Home Affordable Refinance program? People who aren't in danger of losing their homes now but still want to lower their mortgage payments. (hmm...that sounds like that could be EVERYBODY!) The government estimates this program will help 4 to 5 million homeowners who hold mortgages through Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac and are current on their mortgage payments. If they qualify, these homeowners will be able to refinance at a better interest rate -- even if their homes have lost value. (sounds fool proof)
Orman says there are two things you have to do to see if you qualify:
• Make sure your mortgage is backed by Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac. Visit FannieMae.com or FreddieMac.com to find out.
• Go to MakingHomeAffordable.gov The government site will ask you a series of questions and assess your eligibility. (Same as before except this time they really mean it!)
Step 5: Look at what you have, not what you had
How much longer should we expect times to be tough? "Things will get better, get worse. ... [In] the next two or three years, it will start to turn around," Orman says. "But I'm so sorry to say it will be, in my opinion, 2015 until every single person feels hopeful again." (And she grabs a rabbit out of her ass! How the fuck does she know?!)
Which is why Orman says it's so important to look at what you have and be grateful, instead of looking at what you've lost and feel angry. "If you continuously look in the rearview mirror while you're going forward, you're going to get in an accident. And the victim of that accident is going to be you," she says. "Don't compare. You'll feel stronger, you'll have more energy and you'll be able to turn this around." (Tony Robbins said the same thing at the "Bullshit Affirmation and Platitude Seminar at the Oakland Civic Center last month!)
Be grateful for the savings account you do have or the family that has helped you through. Although she knows it isn't easy, Orman urges everyone to see what they've been through as a kind of blessing. "When you are grateful -- when you can see what you have -- you unlock blessings to flow in your life." (Living underneath a bridge really brought us together..)
From The Oprah Winfrey Show (Naturally)

Try Not to Hurl....

2009-04-21T14:13:00.002-05:00

Boo Fuckin' Hoo

Boston Globe
April 21, 2009

CAMBRIDGE - They have managed to get into one of the world's most selective (most expensive) colleges. Opportunity is knocking at their door.

But at some point in their life, though perhaps later than most, Harvard students will face the stinging slap the rest of the world feels regularly: rejection. (shake it off, twit)

The dirty secret is out. Harvard students fail sometimes. They are denied jobs, fellowships, A's they think they deserve. They are passed over for publication, graduate school, and research grants. And when that finally happens, it hurts. Big time. (there's a support group for that. It's called "Everybody")

To help students cope (weep), Harvard's Office of Career Services hosted a new seminar last week on handling rejection, a fear job-seekers are feeling acutely in the plummeting economy. The advice from panelists could have come from a caring, patient (incredibly wealthy) parent. No rejection is the end of the world, they said, even though it might feel that way at the time. (I think my dad had the same fucking speech after I lost our Little League championship. Not kidding)

Participants, who wore snappy buttons with the word rejected stamped in red (scarlet?), also received a road map of sorts on handling failure, a pink booklet of rejection letters and personal stories from Harvard faculty, students, and staff members. (one story: "I got turned down for a job and I went out and tried for another one." End of story. Wasn't that helpful?)

Among the tales of woe: the 2004 alumnus and aspiring actor rejected for a barista gig at a Los Angeles Starbucks for being overqualified (um....everyone who works at Starbucks is overqualified. They pour coffee. No offense baristas....Baristas....jesus. Really? We're going to give this term to these workers as if they're a sommelier) and the medical school professor who was wait-listed at every medical school he applied to.

Senior Olga Tymejczyk (Irish?) arrived at the seminar early. With just a month and a half until graduation, Tymejczyk has applied for 10 jobs, but has no offers. (ten job applications? Fuck. You're toast. That's it. Just give up.)

"Rejection is inevitable sometimes, even if you go to Harvard," said Tymejczyk, a Latin American studies major who wants to work in higher-education administration or healthcare research. She has two more interviews this week, and she is hoping for the best but bracing for more bad news. (Expect the worst. That'll get you the gig. Employers LOVE underconfidence.)

Panelist Pat Hernandez knows a thing or two about setbacks. The 2004 Harvard graduate was rejected by all three graduate schools she applied to two years ago, after losing out on numerous consulting jobs.

"It's something many people are ashamed or reluctant to talk about," said Hernandez, who serves as a resident tutor for Harvard undergraduates. "Those who deal with rejection more frequently take it in stride and bounce back better." (Harvard-educated, indeed)

Hernandez spent the last two years conducting academic research and applied to graduate schools again. She plans to attend Harvard Business School in the fall for a doctorate in organizational behavior and management. (Jesus....here's an idea: LEAVE SCHOOL! If it's so fucking awful)

Another panelist, Harvard statistics professor Xiao-Li Meng (Jewish?), took a humorous approach on the sore subject. His two-page take on rejection (that's a good use of your time, Xiao) , printed in the pink booklet, starts with this theorem: "For any acceptance worth competing for, the probability of a randomly selected applicant being rejected is higher than the probability of being accepted." (humorous? How about downright fucking hilAAAAARIIIIOUS!!!!?!? He should write for Conan!)

Hernandez and Meng said students should learn to see rejection as an opportunity to improve themselves, so that by the time they summon the courage to try again, they will be better candidates. (This is a revolutionary idea....wait...I think I heard this on Oprah) Or they can view failure as a blessing, like the would-be barista who reconsidered his goals and launched a tutoring company called, appropriately enough, Overqualified. (read: snobby)

But how does one move forward, implored another graduate student facing rejection after rejection, when everyone else in the world thinks: "Surely, you have a Harvard degree. You'll get a job." (how does one move forward? Jesus Christ on a cracker....grow a pair, would ya'? Love to have you in a foxhole with me. Damn.)

Abigail Lipson - director of the Bureau of Study Counsel, which cosponsored last week's seminar - had some advice in the pink bulletin: "We learn to recognize our bad feelings as an indication that we care, we have high standards and high hopes, and we expect a lot of ourselves and of the world, rather than assuming that we are hopelessly untalented or unworthy." (turn that statement around and you might get closer to the truth. Recognize your bad feelings that you might actually not have the fucking cajones to pull off the job. Just a thought.)

Hard as it is for some to believe, there are candidates more worthy than Harvard students, Professor Meng quipped, in language befitting his field. "Statistically you are rejected, and probablistically it is fair." (Professor Meng needs to be slapped. Hard....often)

Earth Hour! YAY!

2009-03-29T10:02:00.002-05:00

Lights go out across planet for Earth Hour

(CNN) -- Lights went off across the world Saturday as millions of homes and businesses went dark for one hour in a symbolic (thereby, meaningless) gesture highlighting concerns over climate change.

More than 2,800 cities and towns worldwide dimmed their lights at 8:30 p.m. local time (after the business day was done? Big sacrifice) for the third annual Earth Hour -- a day-long energy-saving marathon spanning 83 countries and 24 time zones.

In Washington, the lights went out at the Capitol dome at 8:30 p.m. ET; the same time the Empire State Building, Central Park and the George Washington Bridge in New York went dark (good thing I wasn't driving in the GW at 8:30pm, then).

The Philippines topped this year's participation for Asia, with more than 650 communities taking part in the event, according to Earth Hour's Web site. (Time to step UP, Asia! Get with the program!)

The light illuminating the face of the landmark Big Ben clock tower in London, England, went out at 8:30 p.m. (4:30 p.m. ET). (how would they know what time it was if the clock's light was out?)

In Dubai, iReporter Sharad Agarwal turned out the lights and sat down to a candlelit dinner with his family. (aaaaawwwwww....)

"I personally believe in going green and everything that goes with it (I thank you all....but, it's been no bed of roses...no pleasure cruuuuise...)," Agarwal told CNN.

In Australia, floodlights of the Sydney Opera House were extinguished as the city's iconic harbor kicked off events for Earth Hour. The event's Web site reported that hundreds of people lined the harbor for a glimpse of the dimming skyline at 8:30 pm. (then, had to wait an hour before leaving because they couldn't find their fucking cars in the dark!)

Sydney became the birthplace of the Earth Hour campaign in 2007 when 2.2 million turned off their lights, igniting a grass-roots movement that has become a global phenomenon. (and accomplished absolutely nothing)

Other landmarks around the world expected to join the World Wildlife Fund-sponsored event were the Egyptian pyramids, Vatican, Niagara Falls (lights?), the Eiffel Tower, the Empire State Building, the Acropolis in Athens and the Las Vegas casino strip. (whoa! whOA! WHOA! What the fuck did you just say?!? 8:30pm in Las Vegas and you're going to turn down the lights?? Lemme tell you fuckers something - if I'm at a hot table, slot or card game and this shit breaks up my mojo, so some liberal, mincing, sandal-wearing, hippy bastard can 'feel' better about the 'planet', I'm coming out with a knife looking for necks to slit....)

CNN iReporter Marie Sager of Los Angeles, California, said she planned to hike up to the Griffith Observatory to experience the massive lights-out event. (it's Opposite Day!)

"A good portion of the city is participating. We'll see the Capital Records sign go out. A lot of these places haven't turned out their lights in awhile (because they're paying for it to stay lit)," Sager said.

Event sponsors (the HELL you say! There's MONEY involved?!?) hoped participating U.S. cities would set an example for the rest of the world.

"We think we are going to have 100 million people around the world sending a message that climate change is real, and we need to take action now (Now! With this THIRD annual event....)," World Wildlife Fund CEO Carter Roberts told CNN (with a straight face).

"The world is watching to see what America is going to do," he said, "because if America acts on climate change, the world will follow." (clearly.....just like the Iraq War and nuclear arms)

Earth Hour events got off to an unofficial start in the remote Chatham Islands in the southern Pacific Ocean where locals switched off their diesel generators, organizers said. Shortly afterward, 44 New Zealand cities and town joined in the event.

Organizers say they hope this year's event will send a message to world leaders meeting Copenhagen, Denmark, in December for a major summit on climate change. (They're already meeting on the subject, aren't they? Do you really have to hustle them to raise their awareness? They're aware! They're aware!)

"We are asking one billion people to take part in what is essentially the first global vote for action on climate change by turning off their lights for one hour and casting a vote for earth," said executive director Andy Ridley. (Oh, eeeeeeasy stomach. 'Vote for earth'??!? Goddammit! I thought I was going to get through this without vomiting....here it comes...gotta go!!...)

2009-03-11T14:40:00.003-05:00

No Club Fed for Madoff
If convicted, the accused Ponzi swindler will likely land in a low-security federal prison or, if he's lucky, a less stringent prison camp.

NEW YORK (CNNMoney.com) -- Ensconced in his $7 million home, Bernard Madoff, the accused Ponzi swindler, is probably wondering what type of prison awaits him. (Not at all. He hasn't been the least bit delusional in all this.)
Madoff, who allegedly stole more than $50 billion through his investment firm, could face a 150-year sentence if convicted in Federal Court in Manhattan on Thursday. He is expected to plead guilty to 11 criminal counts, according to one of his lawyers, Ira Lee Sorkin.
Madoff has managed to avoid prison so far, thanks to the $10 million bail that he posted. (Fair)Since his December arrest, he has remained with his wife under house arrest in their luxurious Manhattan residence. (Hopefully he can find some solace in that)
But he won't be able to dodge jail for much longer, assuming he's convicted, and it's unlikely the 70-year-old man will ever be free again.
Madoff may ask the court to be placed in a prison of his choosing and the court can then forward this request to the Bureau of Federal Prisons. (Oooo! I'll take the one with the silver toilet!)
"The Bureau of Federal Prisons ultimately decides where the inmate (is incarcerated)," said bureau spokeswoman Felicia Ponce. "We take into consideration judicial recommendations, but they're not binding."
Despite his white-collar status and non-violent history, Madoff won't be whiling away his days in some cushy "Club Fed" type of prison. (Uh-huh.)
Ponce said the bureau weighs the "seriousness of the offense, the expected length of incarceration, any history of escapes and violence" as well as the age of the inmate and "security needs." (All this is code for "how many buddies he has at the DA Office")The bureau tries to incarcerate inmates within 500 miles of their homes, she said. (Gee, thanks.)
Madoff's lawyer, Sorkin, wouldn't provide any details of his client's preferences. "There are many different facilities in many different places," he said. (Cape Cod in April is just gorgeous!)
No such thing as Club Fed
Ponce, of the Bureau of Federal Prisons, dismissed the Club Fed institution as a "myth."
Ed Bales, managing director of Federal Prison Consultants, which prepares inmates for prison life, said that "Club Fed" facilities used to exist in such places as Nellis Federal Prison Camp near Las Vegas. He said these types of facilities were also located in Florida and Pennsylvania. They provided more freedom and better accommodations to inmates than the typical prisons, but were shut down several years ago. (By some old party poop I'm sure!)
Larry Levine, another prison consultant and former inmate, wrote on his Web site about the experience of being transferred from Nellis when it shut down in 2005 to a "real" prison near El Paso, Texas, replete with "warring gang members" and other violent offenders.
"The Nellis inmates were shell-shocked into the real world of federal prison," wrote Levine. "Gone were their cushy days of being in a camp."
White collar crooks: You never know where you'll go
Nowadays, all types of prisons await white collar offenders. Martha Stewart, the domestic diva convicted of insider trading in 2004, served her five-month sentence at Alderson Federal Prison Camp in West Virginia, a minimum-security women's prison known as "Camp Cupcake." (I thought they were a myth?)
At the other end of the spectrum, former Tyco Chief Executive Dennis Kozlowski, who was sentenced to up 25 years for grand larceny, was sent to a rougher, medium-security state prison in upstate New York. In a 2007 letter to Fortune, he wrote, "[Prison] is the most difficult of all difficult places to be." (They get Fortune in the prison library?)
Bales, of Federal Prison Consultants, said his newly convicted clients typically expect the worst, their nightmares of prison rape fueled by television shows like "Oz" and movies like "The Shawshank Redemption." (Yeah, prison rape rumors started with those movies)But once they end up behind bars, some inmates are pleasantly surprised to find that it's not as dangerous as they'd thought, he said. (Only soap poundings, not ass poundings. What a relief!)
"They're scared out of their minds," said Bales. "They think they're going to get jumped in the shower. But once they hear what they're really like, they calm down a bit."
Fairton is the fairest
The best possible facility is the so-called prison camp, where there are "no murderers or rapists" and "no bars on the walls,"(reach for the stars!) said Bales. But he added that a lengthy sentence such as Madoff's might bar him from such a desirable facility.
Instead, Madoff might be eligible for a low-security prison, which isn't as bad as medium-security, but it's still a prison.
"In low security, you have some violence, you may have some low-level Mafia type figures, you may have some people who have been involved in child porn," (pffft! Is that all? They're harmless) he said. "[Madoff] may be facing that type of scenario." (Mafiosos and kiddie porn peddlers. Easy street, here I come!)
The best possible low-security federal prison where Madoff could conceivably land is in Fairton, N.J., said Bales. That's the current residence of Sanjay Kumar, former Chief Executive of Computer Associates, serving a 12-year sentence for fraud and obstruction of justice.
"It's one of the best places to do your time," said Bales. "They send a lot of senators there and attorneys." (And scene...)

2032's Bill O'Reilly

2009-03-08T13:51:00.012-05:00

It looks like this could become a series at the SNC.

It seems the New York Times has a group of women writers that get all preggers anytime a lil' one does adulty-type things.

Last November, Susan Dominus wet her crotchular region over 12 year-old food critic, David Fishman.

Now, Jan Hoffman regales us with a tale of the future voice of the Republican Party - 14 year-old Jonathan Krohn.

The Little Mr. Conservative

By JAN HOFFMAN

Duluth, Ga.

SITTING in the back seat of his mother’s van as she drives through Atlanta suburbs, Jonathan Krohn is about to sign off with a conservative radio talk show host in Florida. In the 40 minutes he’s been on the air, with the help of his mother’s cellphone, this hyper-articulate Georgia eighth grader has attacked the stimulus bill, identified leaders he thinks will salvage the Republican Party’s image, and assessed the legitimacy of Barack Obama’s birth certificate (I don't know...he sounds every other Republican whack job parroting the ramblings of dubious sources.).

The show’s host chuckles and asks whether President Obama has called Jonathan “a little fascist.” (I'm gonna need details but 2-1 odds...)

“The president hasn’t come after me yet,” Jonathan says chummily, “but we’ve had other people come after me!”

“Jonathan!” his mother hisses from the driver’s seat.

The interview concluded, Jonathan wistfully handed his mother her cellphone. His parents still won’t let him have one, even though he turned 14 last Sunday (even though...!???!!!), right after he became an instant news media darling and the conservative movement’s underage graybeard at last weekend’s Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington. (Boy, that was quite the lineup last weekend. a 14 year-old, Joe The Plumber, John Ziegler, Rush Limbaugh, a five-armed midget and the bearded lady. Who somebody please tell me who is at the wheel for the Republican Party?)

The annual convention brings in the movement’s grand old lions, like Rush Limbaugh, as well as cubs to rally 8,500 of the faithful, who were shaken by the election of Barack Obama. Jonathan, a slight, home-schooled (NATCH!!!!!!!) only child whose teeth are in braces, is so passionate about his beliefs that he spent his summer writing “Define Conservatism,” an 86-page book outlining what he says are its core values (Chapter 3: I Like Republican Sandwiches Chapter 4: Liberal Homework Is Stupid) . In January, he contacted CPAC organizers, asking to speak there (And said...).

With some skepticism, they gave him a spot on a Friday panel of grassroots activists (Yep. Just lost an historic election, we're in the worst economy in 60 years and everybody in the party has no idea where it's going. Hey! Let's invite a 14 year old! That will let everyone know we're serious!). But Jonathan, an experienced child actor (Gonna need more info, Jan. Can't find anything on him), rocked the house with a three-minute speech, which was remarkable not so much for what he said, but his electrifying delivery. The speech was part pep talk, part book promotion. By Saturday morning, an archdeacon of the movement was saying, “I’m Bill Bennett: I used to work for Ronald Reagan and now I’m a colleague of Jonathan Krohn’s!”

As video of the speech coursed through the Internet, radio talk show hosts and television reporters at the conference sought him eagerly.

Uh-huh. Well...you decide. See if he actually SAYS anything. Personally, I wanted someone to throw a shoe at him.

In less than a week, Jonathan appeared on “Fox and Friends” and CNN, and broadcast network anchors requested interviews (Octo-mom had the same requests so it's all relative, really). He has lost count of the number of radio shows he has spoken on. Though his family has received hate mail, accusing them of brainwashing their son, a Jonathan Krohn fan club has sprung up on Facebook. High honors: Jon Stewart has already poked fun at him.

And the invitations have only snowballed since the family returned to their modest house in a subdivision here.

Why just that morning, his mother, Marla Krohn, marveled, a staff member for a potential candidate for Georgia governor asked for a meeting with Jonathan (nice editing). In her gentle drawl, Mrs. Krohn said cautiously, “I’m not sure I’m a supporter of his.”

“Neither am I,” Jonathan piped in (He's a poopy-pants).

“But I’m a voter,” Mrs. Krohn reminded him firmly (I'll take Obviously Stupid Statements for $2000, Alex).

Jonathan retorted, “Now that I’m a political pundit, I have the ability to influence people. I have to think about it!” (Whoa there, cha-cha. You had your 15 minutes. I believe "Fox and Friends" has a Republican giraffe scheduled for tomorrow.)

But first, his mother reminded him, he had some homework to finish. (Jan, leave the cutesy bullshit flow sentences for CNN.com. They'll claim copyright infringement.)

He’s an unusual kid with an unusual background (Jan getting a little tingley down there). Jonathan’s parents, Doug, a computer systems integrator, and Marla, a sales representative and former actress who teaches drama and speech to middle-school students, have been home-schooling their bright, curious son since the sixth grade (Moister). On Fridays, Jonathan joins 10 middle-school students at the Classical School in Woodstock, where classes are taught from a Christian perspective, for five hours of study, including Latin. They have two 10-minute recesses for tag, said Jonathan’s teacher, Stephen P. Gilchrist. Lunch is eaten at their desks while they work (Ahhhhhh, fully moist...and goin' for a word quota, Jan? That was awfully superfluous).

“Other children his age are not quite sure how to take him,” Mr. Gilchrist said. “Jonathan is so intense, so verbal and a strong personality (Read: He won't shut the fuck up and his parents just look at people with a "isn't he so fucking adorable" expression). But as they get to know him, they respect him for what he is. And he is tons of fun.”

Jonathan’s father oversees his math; he studies Arabic with a tutor (Nobody's going anywhere until I find out what Jonathan's favorite sandwich is!!!! I have a gun!!!!)

“Before I got into politics,” (Glurp...) Jonathan said as he sat with his parents in the study of their home, “I wanted to be a missionary to people in the Middle East. (They don't take 13 year-olds...otherwise, your plan was flawless.) I thought it would be better to speak with them in their own language.” (And tell them what to think) The family are active members of Peachtree Corners Baptist Church in Norcross, Ga.

That was several careers ago (Umm...what?) But he is sticking with Arabic, because, “it’s important to talk with our allies in their language.”

Although the Krohns are conservative, they say Jonathan’s passion for politics is largely his. “Politics bore me,” his mother said flatly. “I’ve learned a lot from Jonathan about the candidates I’ve voted for.” Doug Krohn said he listened to talk radio, but with his Iowa-born (Oh, boy. Adds a whole new dimension.) soft-sell manner, he’s hardly the pontificating firebrand his son is.

Jonathan said he became a political enthusiast at 8, after hearing about a Democratic filibuster on judicial nominations. “I thought, ‘Who goes to work saying, ‘I’m going to filibuster today?’ ” he said. (What...? Part deux!)

Mr. Krohn, looking bleary-eyed by recent events, muttered, “And now he can filibuster with the best of them.” (De-bat-a-able!)

Jonathan would wake up at 6 a.m. to listen to Bill Bennett’s “Morning in America” show and became riveted by politics and American history (Well...an alternate version of American history anyway. You know, the version that uses the term "darkies".) Soon, Mr. Bennett, whom Jonathan now describes as, “my mentor and very good friend,” was taking Jonathan’s calls. (Oh, god. Very good friend? I hate today's children...and I blame parents.)

“Jonathan was an extraordinary boy, very special,” Mr. Bennett said, in a phone interview. “He wowed my audience, he wowed me. He’s very engaging and learned. He’s got staying power.”

Last spring, as the presidential campaign was in full roar, Jonathan decided the term conservatism was so misused that he needed to write a book explaining it. He received a computer from his maternal grandfather for his 13th birthday. “In the Jewish culture in which my mom was raised, 13 is a big deal,” he said. “But since I’m a Jewish Christian, I don’t do a bar mitzvah.” (Decades ago, his mother became a Baptist.) (So...Jewish kids can't use a computer? News to me. Really. Jan. Editor. They're a good thing.)

Although the family said they hired an editor (See, even they hired one. You get them gratis!) to go over grammar, Jonathan, they said, wrote the book himself. “My mom would get tough,” Jonathan said. “She’d say, ‘If you don’t stop writing now and go outside and get some exercise, I won’t let you finish this book!’ ” (Yep. Jan just wet herself over the unbearable cuteness of it all.)

The family said Jonathan paid to have the book published with his own savings, earned from writing and performing on a syndicated radio Bible show for children. (PLLLLEEEAAAASSSSEE!!! YouTube, don't fail me now!)

His father made a spreadsheet of their contacts for publicity, and then Jonathan went to work, glad-handing. He already had developed poise, as he put it, “during the 20 or 30 productions I was in during my acting career” — he’d performed in Christian Youth Theater plays and regional shows. (Oh, holy crap! Jan drops 'experienced child actor' in the first two graphs and THIS is what she meant?)

Jonathan apologetically described the book as a “first effort.” The second edition, he said, will have less about Thomas Jefferson and more about Alexander Hamilton and James Monroe. (I'm on the edge of my seat.)

But as Lisa De Pasquale, director of CPAC, noted, he is still a kid.

“He seems to at least have a historical perspective,” she said. “But at 13, there’s not a lot of life experience yet. But as he attends more conferences, he’ll have more ammunition and education, and see that there are more than black and white viewpoints.”

Jonathan also sees room for improvement: “I have good voice inflection, that’s why I’m good on radio,” he said “But on TV, I look too big because I move my hands around a lot.” (Or a terdball in training. Six of one...)

He still has the zeal of a missionary. His voice rising to a wobbly squeak, he grabs any opening to press the cause. “Barack Obama is the most left-wing president in my lifetime,” he said. (Ba-dum-bump)

Mr. Krohn buried his face in his hands. “Oh, Jonathan,” he sighed. (Two orgasms in one article for Jan? Is this Christmas?)

Well, I watched it so now you must. Drinking game. Do a shot every time he says 'principles'.

2009-03-05T13:05:00.002-06:00

GM auditors raise the specter of Chapter 11
DETROIT – General Motors Corp.'s auditors have raised "substantial doubt" about the troubled automaker's ability to continue operations, and the company said it may have to seek bankruptcy protection if it can't execute a huge restructuring plan.
The automaker revealed the concerns Thursday in an annual report filed with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission.
"The corporation's recurring losses from operations, stockholders' deficit, and inability to generate sufficient cash flow to meet its obligations and sustain its operations raise substantial doubt about its ability to continue as a going concern," auditors for the accounting firm Deloitte & Touche LLP wrote in the report. (in coporate to non bullshit normal translation: We're going broke!)
GM also disclosed Thursday that Chief Executive Rick Wagoner received a pay package worth $14.9 million in 2008, although $11.9 million of his compensation was in stock and options whose value plummeted to $682,000 as GM's share price sank. (Oh, so he only gets 4 some million? Poor guy. Fuck off!)
GM shares, which lost 87 percent of their value in 2008, fell 38 cents or 17.2 percent to $1.82 in afternoon trading Thursday. (Nothing wrong here..)
The automaker has received $13.4 billion in federal loans as it tries to survive the worst auto sales climate in 27 years. It is seeking a total of $30 billion from the government. During the past three years it has piled up $82 billion in losses, including $30.9 billion in 2008. (Yet the guy at the wheel gets 4 million bones..gee, I can't see why people don't trust Wall Street)
The company faces a March 31 deadline to have signed agreements of concessions from debtholders and the United Auto Workers union to show the government it can become viable again. (Now be a good boy or we'll cut you off....OH, how can I stay mad at you! Look at that punam) On Feb. 17 it submitted the restructuring plan to the Treasury Department that includes laying off 47,000 workers worldwide by the end of the year and closing five more U.S. factories. (Seems like a water tight plan..As long as the CEO still gets his 4 million though)
GM said in its filing that its future depends on successfully executing the plan.
"If we fail to do so for any reason, we would not be able to continue as a going concern and could potentially be forced to seek relief through a filing under the U.S. Bankruptcy Code," the Detroit-based automaker said in the annual report. (Translation: We're broke unless Uncle Sucker gives us a loan)
GM, the report said, is highly dependent on auto sales volume, which dropped rapidly last year. (Gee, really?)"There is no assurance that the global automobile market will recover or that it will not suffer a significant further downturn," the company wrote. (While theres no undo cause for alarm there's certainly no room for complacency)
But Harlan Platt, a professor at Northeastern University in Boston who teaches about corporate turnarounds, said the auditors' concerns don't mean GM is headed for a bankruptcy filing. The auditors, he said, are merely stating what the world has known for months.
"A company which has borrowed $13.4 billion and has asked for billions more around the world is obviously in trouble," he said. (He's a professor y'know?)
Platt said the union concessions and debt restructuring laid out in the government loan terms, plus GM's own restructuring steps that include shedding unprofitable brands, will make the company healthy again once auto sales recover from current low levels.
"I think the government has forced the hands of everybody," Platt said. "In 18 months to 24 months, I anticipate they will be profitable, in the black — a mean and lean competitor that will be world-class." (WOW)
U.S. auto sales in February dropped to the lowest level since December 1981. Last year, automakers sold 13.2 million vehicles in the U.S., about 3 million less than the 16.1 million sold in 2007. Analysts and auto company executives are predicting sales of just over 10 million this year.
GM said in a statement that the auditor's opinion would not affect its restructuring plan.
"Once global automotive sales recover and GM's restructuring actions generate the anticipated savings and benefits, the company is expected to again be able to fund its own operating requirements," the statement said. (Translation: Once we get bailed out by the government we have no intention of paying it back)
GM has said it wants to avoid bankruptcy protection because it would scare off customers. (I don't know about you but I'd have no trouble with getting financing from a company that filed for bankruptcy..what's the problem?) Car buyers, the company has said, would be reluctant to buy from an automaker in Chapter 11 due to fears that it wouldn't be around long enough to honor warranties or make replacement parts. (Oh)
GM, in its viability plan submitted to the Treasury last month, said it explored three bankruptcy scenarios, all of which would cost the government more than $40 billion. (pffft!)
Chief Operating Officer Fritz Henderson said at the time that the government would be the only place the company could get financing for a Chapter 11 reorganization, because the credit markets are frozen. (I had to kiss the loan officer's pecker when I wanted a car loan!)The worst-case bankruptcy scenario would cost the government $100 billion, Henderson said, because revenue would severely drop due to a lack of sales.
GM warned last month that its auditors may raise the "going concern" doubts, and industry analysts said auditors' statements may trigger clauses in some of GM's loans, placing them in default.
But the company said in its filing that it has received waivers of the clauses for its $4.5 billion secured revolving credit facility, a $1.5 billion term loan and a $125 million secured credit facility. (That's fair)
"Consequently, we are not in default of our covenants," (of course not! None of us would with that deal)the report said. "If we conclude that there is substantial doubt about our ability to continue as a going concern for the year ending Dec. 31, 2009, we will have to seek similar amendments or waivers at that time." (Translation: If this doesn't work we're fucked.)
GM spokeswoman Julie Gibson said there is no clause in the terms of the government loans that places them in default if the auditors raise doubts about GM's ability to keep operating. (Once again, nothing unfair at all.)

Fair and Balanced, No Doubt....

2009-02-24T11:23:00.003-06:00

Watch rant-free Mayor Richard Daley on YouTube

City teams with Google Chicago on new promotional channel

By Hal Dardick |Chicago Tribune reporter

February 24, 2009

Web surfers looking for details about Mayor Richard Daley will end up seeing the longtime Chicago leader just as he wants to be seen—if they hit on his new YouTube channel. (The equivalent of watching an infomercial about 'Mr. Juicer' to find info about blenders)

The site leaves out the mayor's flashes of anger and verbal stumbling often featured on local news sites (and...ya' know the reason it's featured on news sites? because....wait for it... His anger and verbal stumbling ACTUALLY FUCKING HAPPEN!!!) —and some YouTube locations that don't bear his name.

Daley announced the channel Monday, calling it "an opportunity to talk to residents directly," (...by feeding them propaganda and not hearing feedback) at the Loop headquarters of Google Chicago, his partner (lapdog) in creating and running the site. It will promote Chicago across the globe, he said. (as seen through the eyes of a politician)

"I guess it promotes me," (The HELL you say!!!) he added later when asked about the political edge the site might provide. "Yes, I'm the mayor of the City of Chicago (and, thank God for that), and it promotes Chicago."Asked whether the site would include videos that were critical of him, he responded, "We'll see, I don't know yet." (yeah, I think we do. The answer is 'no'.)

Some of the 23 videos on the site feature Daley meeting with out-of-town dignitaries and business leaders or announcing initiatives (you know, the 'real stuff') . In one, he jokes around in his office with local personality (Local personality? Isn't that everyone in the area?) Billy Dec, co-host of NBC's "24/7 Chicago: Secrets of the City."

In another, a pre-election Barack Obama praises the mayor. (the HELL you say!!!! Part II)

Obama talks about the improvements in the city since he moved there in 1985, saying they show "astonishing leadership that this man has shown over two decades. ... He is an outstanding mayor." (....and, yet, we don't question Obama's judgement....hm. Might need to keep an eye open there.)

But it leaves out unscripted moments, when Daley mangles the English language much like his father before him (wait! He had a daddy who was mayor!?! Back up...baaaack up) and when he spars with reporters or political foes. (foes. yeah. Right. "Foe's" are defined as people who actually are realistic competition)

One video not on the site, but available elsewhere on YouTube, shows him berating several aldermen for opposing a tax increase to fund the CTA. (I'm sure that'll make its way onto the site. Give it time.)

Since President Bill Clinton first held televised town hall meetings, contemporary politicians have sought new ways to bypass the often-critical (dead on) coverage of the mainstream media and speak directly to voters.

When asked if he was trying to do the same, Daley said he is the only public official in Illinois to hold "a press conference three or four times a week." (wow. Talk about setting the standards skyward! Public officials in Illinois are SO open with their constituents!)

Jim Lecinski, managing director of Google's central region, said no taxpayer dollars were used to create the site, and Daley said it did not involve spending taxpayer funds. (that was big of him)

But some of the videos up on the site were made with city money for the Chicago Works cable-TV channels. They were originally produced to be aired on the city's municipal access channel, not for the mayor's Web site, said Jacquelyn Heard, the mayor's press secretary. (oh, I see. At least, he was half-telling the truth....that's a step in the right direction)

Things are Fatnastic.....

2009-02-05T10:32:00.001-06:00

Sardonic News Conglomerate Special Report for AYCTE blog....
http://www.sardonicnews.blogspot.com/

2 million enjoy free breakfast at Denny's
By Bruce Horovitz, USA TODAY

Some day, when Josh Richardson finally finds a job, he'll pay for a meal at Denny's.

But in the pre-dawn hours Tuesday, the unemployed medical assistant from Greenville, S.C., waited 40 minutes in near-freezing temperatures outside a Denny's restaurant for a free Grand Slam breakfast. Roughly 2 million other Americans lined up at local Denny's for the too-good-to-pass-up deal. (okay, folks. I might get shit for this, but.....I grew up on welfare, food stamps, gov't cheese, free lunch plans, second-hand thrift shops, CETA, JTPA and every other program on the planet. I wuz po'. There is no way in hell, if I'm a single male, I stand in freezing temps for 40 minutes to save $5.99 (before tax) on a breakfast. It's all very nice to get a restaurant meal, but, not under those conditions, kidz. Fuck that action.

Did a price check for y'all:
Aldi supermarkets sell eggs at a cost of $1.49/dozen Bacon @ $2.49, Brown N. Serve sausage @ .99 cents, milk @ $1.99/gallon...do the math - that's just under $7 (before tax)....and, you'll get at least three breaksfasts out of those groceries.....so....$2.33 a meal....stay indoors unless you got a family of three or more. Which, in all probability, should have been the promo anyway - free meals for families)

"It's definitely a blessing," says Richardson, 35, who has been out of work since May. "I've put in applications everywhere — Wal-Mart, Kmart. I haven't heard nothin'." (hard to believe, isn't it? He's probably the only person applying there, too.)

With the economy in a tailspin, Denny's shook up the restaurant industry — if not the nation — Tuesday by doing something no family dining chain had done before: giving out free meals coast-to-coast from 6 a.m. until 2 p.m.

The promotion was briefly halted and rain checks given out at a St. Louis Denny's when parking lot traffic nearly cut access to a freeway artery. Most sites averaged hour waits on what's usually the week's slowest day. (Gee, I wish I would have gone now. This all sounds awesome)

Denny's was out to prove that it can play with the big boys in its business, and to get back on consumer radar. The chain that once owned breakfast — only to lose to McDonald's - gave away a Grand Slam breakfast to anyone who showed up at all but two of its 1,550 restaurants nationwide. No strings. (this shows that they can play with the big boys by giving away their product and services to the poor and unemployed?)

The entire promotion — including food, labor and airing an ad on Sunday's Super Bowl — cost Denny's about $5 million. "We're re-acquainting America with Denny's," says CEO Nelson Marchioli. "We've never been thanked this much — and folks are saying they'll come back." (oh, my Lord, that is such bullshit. I remember being in theater and giving away free tickets for previews. After the shows, every single person, without fail, said, they'd be back and bring friends. Never. Fucking. Happened.....notta.)

"I'm very grateful," said Jennifer Haslam, who waited in line more than an hour in Newark, Del., with son Joshua, 2. "That was four eggs that I didn't have to use of mine." Her family lives on her husband's take-home pay of $400 a week. "I'll be honest. I just paid my rent. I had $10 to my name, and that went to gas." (This is just friggin' sad. Counting my blessings.....counting my blessings....counting my blessings....)

Denny's didn't do this just out of the goodness of its corporate heart, however. (the HELL you say!) The low-budget family dining chain did it because its franchise sales at sites open at least a year were down 7.2% last quarter at a time the hobbled economy ought to be giving it an opportunity to nudge the market-share needle.

In tough times, many consumers are willing to trade down to restaurants such as Denny's. If value chains such as Wal-Mart and McDonald's can make hay in a bum economy (did they actually use the term 'bum'? Wow. Nice) , why not Denny's?

Ah, but people love free stuff, particularly when money's tight. Few know that better than Dan Ariely, a business professor at Duke University, author of Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces That Shape Our Decisions. "Free is an emotional hot button. When free is concerned, there is no downside — or, at least, we don't see the downside immediately. So we overvalue everything that is free." (thanks, Doc. Do you moonlight at the 'Academy of the Bleeding Obvious'?)

Customers had their own reasons for trekking to Denny's, but more often than not, it was tied to value:

• Matt Skeadas, 28, brought the East Valley High School basketball team — 20 boys — from Van Nuys to the Denny's in North Hollywood. "We decided it would be a good team-bonding event." (Way to get the message, Matt)

• Landon Bennett of Cape Coral, Fla., started his day early at a Perkins Family Restaurant for a regularly scheduled Bible study. But the group just got coffee there, then moved on to Denny's in North Fort Myers. "You reap what you sow," he says. And Denny's, he adds, "is going to reap rewards." (...and Perkins, the devil's puppet, is fucked.)

•Class study. Sociology teacher David Burke of Red Lion Christian Academy in Bear, Del., took his class to Denny's to observe how advertising and media have an impact on human behavior. And to eat, of course. "We're going to spend a whole class tomorrow talking about it," he says. (Here's how the class discussion will go: Teacher: "How do ads and media impact human behavior, class?" - Student: "They tell people where free stuff is.....then, people go there." - bell rings. Class over.)

• Four seniors from Ulysses S. Grant High School showed up at Denny's in North Hollywood at 5:23 a.m. for free breakfast. All ordered Grand Slams and free ice water, then left for school without tipping. "It's just one day," says waitress Laura Martinez, taking the fact that she got stiffed in stride. (....whilst maintaining an eerily calm demeanor, eyes glazed over, whistling "Bringing in the Sheaths" and loading her 12-gauge....)

Most guests, however, left generous tips. (....this makes little logical sense to me. Am I missing something? If one can afford a generous tip....I'll shut up)

McDonald's, Starbucks, Dunkin' Donuts and Panera Bread all have had free coffee and food promos in the past year. Panera's free coffee and food sampling promo was last week.

"I'd rather give something away than discount it," says Ron Shaich, Panera's CEO. "If I've got something that I think is wonderful, I want to get it into the mouths of my customers." (EXCUSE ME?!?! Might wanna re-word that, Ron)

Consumer response to the promotion has been all Denny's could hope for. Besides guests at restaurants on Tuesday, the Denny's website has had 40 million hits since the Super Bowl ad aired.

"We've had a lot of fun today (let's ask the wait staff if they agree with that.)," Marchioli says, exhaling a small sigh of relief.

Then, he quietly admits the one thing that almost every customer — and business executive — wonders about the promotion. (if you're that concerned, pay for the meal...)

Did Denny's really lose its burnt-orange shirt on it?

Marchioli is silent for a moment. He hedges. Then he concedes: If you factor in the profits from all of Tuesday's drink orders — which are far more profitable than food orders — "we'll do better than break even." (Wait! The drinks weren't included!??! What the fuck? So, you wait in line for 40 minutes in sub-zero weather and have to buy a 90% marked up $1.50 coffee? People, people, people......sigh)

And, yes, he just may do it again.

Doesn't David Wygant Live In Southern California?

2009-02-04T13:05:00.008-06:00

Noone from the SNC was in Santa Barbara on January 22nd. We checked.

Man arrested for indecent exposure in La Playa Stadium parking lot

Paper towels, moisturizer and a "Barely Legal" pornography magazine were three pieces of the incriminating evidence police used to arrest a man for masturbating in a City College parking lot. (That's some fine police work there, Wiggum)The Santa Barbara Police Department stepped in on the Campus Security's investigation on Thursday, Jan. 22, to arrest a middle-aged male later identified as Harold Hall. (Campus police obviously couldn't put a decent case up with that circumstantial piddling amount of evidence) During fall semester, three reports of indecent exposure on campus have been reported. (Only three? You call this a college campus?)This is the second arrest that has been made, the first being a bagger from Von's,(how'd ya like to be a bagger at Von's and have this vague description put in the story? Perv got a name?) according to Paula Congleton, a City College softball coach. A city college student and softball player discovered Hall at 11 a.m. in the La Playa east parking lot, facing the stadium. (No shit)While retrieving books from her car parked next to his, she saw him in the driver's seat, committing the lewd act with his shorts down.(Hey, it was in the privacy of his own car! What's the problem?)When she left the parking lot at 12:30 p.m. the student saw the man still in his car, and recorded the license plate number. (Man, this guy is a machine. I'm done in like 2 minutes.)She then called Congleton, her coach, who in turn notified the security office. Security Supervisor Eric Fricke (Barney Fife or Garr-inside joke) responded to the call, arriving in the parking lot at approximately 12:45. He found the vehicle described to him, blocking it in to prevent the man from leaving. (Good move, Starsky)Fricke questioned Hall, who eventually caved in to the evidence-beyond that of his masturbation accessories in the car, there was an eyewitness to the act. (Masturbation accessories?Take the fun out of it a bit more why don't ya?)Having first falsely identified himself with a credit card under the name of "Michael Hall", the suspect confessed to Fricke that this was his first time doing anything like this. (Somehow I doubt this)He also told Fricke that he couldn't do it at home because he has roommates, (never stopped me)according to the report. Santa Barbara Police Officer Dave Williams came to campus to make the arrest, after the student positively identified Hall. "It was her word against his, so she had to be one hundred percent sure," (I'd like to think I could probably remember who I saw wanking off two feet from my fucking CAR) Congleton said. "And she was." (Really?)At the time of publication, The Channels has not received a response from the Santa Barbara Police Department for further information on Hall's arrest. (We caught him red handed! cymbal crash)

Not Sure Where to Start....

2009-01-27T14:31:00.002-06:00

Try 1 percent solution for student loans

January 27, 2009
BY JESSE JACKSON

The debate on the recovery has begun in earnest. The $825 billion plan introduced in the House is a good beginning. It makes a down payment on investments vital to our future (Empty and Buzzwordy enough for ya'?) -- in new energy, health-care efficiency, education. It provides assistance for those hit hardest by the crisis. It provides a tax break for the vast majority of Americans.

Republican leaders have reacted in partisan rather than patriotic form. (Oh My Ever Living GOD! Are you fucking serious?!?! The fucking NANOSECOND the Republicans pulled the "you're with us or else you're unpatriotic" bullshit, Jesse was FIRST IN LINE to admonish that sort of rhetoric. Guess that doesn't work both ways, huh?) Their objections are simply wrongheaded. House Minority Leader John Boehner (heh-heh) says the plan is too large, spends too much and has too few tax breaks for business. In fact, the reverse is true. If anything, given the accelerating downturn, the plan is too small and contains too many business tax breaks that are notoriously ineffective at producing jobs. (so, Jesse, you're suggesting expanding the plan, spending more and taxing businesses more....hm...sounds like a rock solid idea)

To help get the economy moving, Congress would be well advised to pass -- either as part of the recovery plan or separately -- a bold initiative to help make college and advanced training affordable. I'd suggest a simple proposition: Let's make college loans available to students on the same terms that the banks receive. (um...how about reducing tuition first?)

Banks now borrow money at about 1 percent, even as the Treasury and Federal Reserve pour in literally trillions in equity, loan guarantees, credit swaps and the like to keep them from going belly up. (which, is a fantastic idea, too. I see good things happening with that model!)

Over the last few decades, students have gone from paying for college with two-thirds grants and one-third loans to the reverse, with most racking up tens of thousands of dollars in debt to stay in school. They are forced to borrow -- even on the subsidized loans -- at rates of 4 percent to 5 percent. When those limited funds are exhausted, they are forced into a private market, where interest rates are even higher, and sometimes end up relying on credit card debt, with rates more than 20 percent. (You're missing the target, buddy. It's not the banks fucking students over. It's the institutions themselves. Tuitions in this country are out of control, but, it's because 70% of the cost for an institution is in human resources (healthcare, worker's comp, etc... Paying 1% on $30,000 will suck just as bad as paying 5%)

With the recession spreading, students are struggling to cobble together the funds to stay in school. (and how is that different than non-recession years?) Parents' contributions get slashed when they lose their jobs. Grant aid doesn't make up the difference. The Economic Recovery Plan would increase the maximum Pell grant by $500, but that doesn't make a dent.

There is real perversity here. General Motors is offering car loans at zero percent while students seeking to get an education must pay 5 percent to 6 percent. Students are essentially subsidizing the banks that drove us into this ditch, even as those banks continue to pay multimillion-dollar bonuses to the very leaders who are responsible. (Ever get a peek at some of these 'noble' education administrator's salaries? Holy flirking schnit. Again, going after the 'unwarranted bonus to evil bankers' argument here isn't holding much water when the philosophy professor has a mansion)

Thus far, the Federal Reserve and the Treasury keep spraying the leaves and ignoring the roots. They keep bailing out the captain's quarters while ignoring the hole at the bottom of the boat. (so, why doesn't this stimulus package mention that?!? I'm getting tired....)

We should go another way. Michelle Obama has noted the harsh burdens that students are faced with. "Salaries don't keep up with the cost of paying off the debt, so you're in your 40s, still paying off your debt at a time when you have to save for your kids." She and Barack were still paying off their loans in their 40s, until his best-selling books got them out of the hole. And they were successful graduates of Harvard Law School. (where tuition is more than reasonable. Geez, I can't figure out why someone would still be paying off a loan to THAT school!)

Now the situation is much worse. Talented students are forced to drop out. Schools without large endowments are making draconian cuts and raising tuitions.

Young people are the nation's most valuable asset (Ok. Sing it now, "Children...children.....future...future..Children are the futuuure") ; their education is essential to our future. Their potential should not be snuffed out, their dreams shattered because of an economic crisis they didn't cause and cannot avoid. We shouldn't ask them to subsidize the very banks that caused the mess (that's the Federal Reserve's job!) . It's time for a 1 percent student loan program.

Rick Pulls One Out of his Ass, again....

2009-01-21T14:51:00.003-06:00

Barack is the new Mike
President calls for responsibility -- Jordan, athletes can lead the way

January 21, 2009

BY RICK TELANDER Sun-Times Columnist

Be like Mike was then. Be like Barack is now. (ugh...here we go. I can't even read the fucking sports section without this shit?) In 1991, Gatorade (and Jordan's agent) needed a motto, a catchy song refrain to sell its sports drink that was to be promoted by a recently signed, nearly superhuman athlete at the peak of his powers. (thank you for not using hyperbole, Rick)

Michael Jordan embodied more than basketball dominance after winning his first NBA championship with the Bulls in the spring of 1991; he was the epitome of skill and grace and luxury and an unsuppressed me-first hedonism that would become the signature philosophy for the decade. (Whoa! I thought that was the Reagan Years?!? When did the 90's suddenly become the 'me-first' decade? What in the hell is he talking about? Rick, you can't create bullshit just to fit your article's overall theory...jesus...that's Phil Rogers' job...)

Jordan may have played with a team, but he mostly tolerated his teammates (that was big of him). He was the show. People wanted to be like Mike. Not Ron Harper. (taking a shot at the stutterer..nice touch)

Jordan was perfect for a time when shrewd Americans ruled with credit, when wealth was its own reward, when somebody else could handle matters such as ruined health care, failing inner-city schools, crumbling neighborhoods, subtle segregation, gang violence, illegal immigration, crack cocaine, Wall Street pigs at the trough.

But that was then. (No.....it.......wasn't. I was there, bud. Way to broadstroke the entire population into being disinterested, racist, violent, drug-abusing, money-grubbing assholes. Fuck you, too, Rick)

That was before 9-11, before the Iraq war, before the mortgage meltdown and the global economic collapse of right now. (thanks for the sobering reminder, sir)

President Barack Obama gave his inaugural speech Tuesday, and it rang out with rebukes to the old Ugly American way.

Many athletes came to the Washington ceremonies these last few days, including Muhammad Ali, Dave Winfield and Dikembe Mutombo. Even apolitical Tiger Woods appeared Sunday at the Lincoln Memorial event, somewhat dispassionately (compared to the fawning and masturbatory press coverage, yeah, he seemed a bit subdued) praising the military and thereby himself: ''I am the son of a man who dedicated his life to his country, family and the military, and I am a better person for it.''

Obama, the first African-American leader of this nation (again, great reminder...paid by the word?) , brought out many, inspired millions.

His speech was eloquent, soaring and harsh. He said it was time for us to ''reform bad habits,'' that ''the time has come to set aside childish things.''

But Mike himself was nowhere to be seen. (I started to panic, too! Where WAS he!?!?) Maybe he was behind the Capitol Hill scenes somewhere. But our instinct told us it was more likely he was somewhere playing golf, smoking cigars, gambling, chasing pleasure. (nah. Doubt it)

Jordan can do that. He is rich for life. (exactly! I know it's difficult for normal people to play golf, smoke cigars and gamble...that shit is only for the wealthiest 1%) But maybe not in things that matter.

And Obama was impassioned about those things.

We must ''pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off,'' he said, and get back in the game of dedication, hard work, concern for our less-well-off (????) fellow citizens. No more can we be gluttonous, carefree joy-seekers without a thought. (man, he has the pulse of the nation..) To be moral and involved is right. ''What is required is responsibility,'' he said.

Most of the star athletes in this country are African-American, and now their president is giving them a clarion call to act right, to be anti-Charles Barkleys. To be role models.

It is time for the Michael Vicks and Plaxico Burresses and Travis Henrys (nine children by nine women) to shed their hang-ups and indulgences and act right. (but, certainly, not while Bush was in office. NOW, is the time to straighten up...gotcha.)

It is time for young black males -- for all young males -- to admire and try to be like Barack: strong and smart and educated and compassionate. (again....where was this shit before? Why now? Listen, pal.....if a young man was a fuck-up before Jan. 20th, having a black man as president isn't going to turn his ass around. Get a clue.)

''Sometimes I dream
''That he is me...
''Like Mike
''If I could be like Mike.''

Those are the old words, and it is not too late for Jordan himself to come out and be involved in Obama's all-inclusive gang and set our country right again. (Indeed, look to the superstar athletes. They hold the truth)

(Rick, go back to writing about gymnastics or something equally as boring....please. Then, I can ignore you easier)

Glick Lives!

2009-01-12T14:55:00.002-06:00

Now, I have no real beef against Zwecker. He's got a job to do, but, this is just shooting fish in a barrel for the SNC....

Was 'Bride Wars' for real?
Hathaway and Hudson went at it on the set, source says

BY BILL ZWECKER Sun-Times Columnist

In ''Bride Wars'', Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson play characters who go from best friends to near-mortal enemies when they discover a mixup schedules both their weddings on the same day. (Totally....fuckin'....brilliant. Where DO they get their ideas? Methinks it's "Hollywood Magic"...)

A production staffer who worked on the film (guy who drives the catering van) claims the nastiness in many of the actresses' fight scenes ''didn't require all that much acting. ... They really didn't get along all that well.'' (Hard to believe a script like this didn't require much acting. Hm....perhaps, this "insider" speaks the truth after all!)

That tale brought an immediate response from Hathaway's spokesman, Stephen Huvane (sorry to hear about that mouth injury making you unable to speak for yourself, Anne): 'There was absolutely no tension between the two. They are great friends (great? It was one movie) and it is a shame the media always does this to women,'' e-mailed (with Herculian effort...) the veteran Hollywood publicist. Similar (required) sentiments were expressed by representatives for both Hudson and the ''Bride Wars'' filmmakers.

The set source (reliable as Old Faithful, I'd bet...), however, did say, ''I think these are two such different women. Anne is more of an intellectual (less sexy) and Kate comes off as something of a dizzy lightweight. (hotter) ... It's hard to believe those two would have anything in common,'' (hm. Such highly researched insight. This is solid reporting, Bill) also claiming she overheard both women making catty comments about the other. (I stand corrected. Case. Closed)

• Meanwhile, Hathaway's budding romance with actor Adam Shulman was showcased at the Palm Springs International Film Festival opening gala last weekend. A witness (usher) reports ''the two of them looked very smitten with each other. ... Everyone was very happy for her, after what she went through with that con man.'' (Shake it off)

Another guest (more vague descriptions, please, Bill) was relieved to learn that despite Hathaway's three-year relationship with Raffaello Follieri (whose false claims included a boast he represented the Vatican's real estate interests (The Pope's broker? I would love to attend one of the closings. Do they bless the deed?), ''she didn't lose any of her money with him.''

Hathaway split with Follieri last June, shortly after the Italian businessman was charged with 14 counts of wire fraud, money laundering and conspiracy. (Come on, Anne. Don't be a fairweather fan) After pleading guilty, Follieri was sentenced to 4½ years in prison in late October.

PHOTO FLASH: Sounds like David Spade knows exactly how to get press -- he simply calls the paparazzi himself. (the HELL you say!!!)

The diminutive (unattractive) funnyman has always loved being linked to Hollywood beauties. So, Spade reportedly has a standing agreement with several of Tinseltown's top shutterbugs (is there any higher aspiration? I don't think so) -- tipping them off when he and his current flame are heading out. That's the case with his current connection -- ''Desperate Housewives'' star Nicollette Sheridan.

ON THE SCENE: A Hilton has whisked into Chicago (Paris? Perez? Who!!!??!) -- but I'm not talking about Paris Hilton or online gossip Perez Hilton (WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!?) No, it's Paris' aunt Lisa Hilton, an accomplished jazz artist, in town for a Chicago Lighthouse for the Blind benefit tonight at Andy's Jazz Club.

IT'S OFFICIAL: R. Kelly and his long-estranged wife, Andrea, were divorced Thursday, ending their tumultuous 11-year marriage (and they said it wouldn't last....) . According to the singer's attorney, James Quigley, the ex-couple reached ''an amicable resolution [of] all issues'' (read: she gets a ton of money) and will share custody of their three children. Financial details were not revealed.

Despite rumors he would be replaced, Taylor Lautner will reprise his role as Jacob Black in ''New Moon,'' the ''Twilight'' sequel. His character is central to the storyline in the film, being released in November. (Can't....fucking....wait)

Douchebag! Douchebag!

2009-01-05T14:53:00.004-06:00

I'm retiring David Wygant posts after this one, I promise. Because I think this is his masterpiece and I won't be able to top it.

Dirty Talk The Naked Truth
It’s funny – my life is really interesting, and it’s a blast.(If you say so) I work a lot – I would definitely be considered a workaholic (thanks for clearing that up) – a lot of these blogs are written at two o’clock in the morning. (Gee, i couldn't tell. What with all the fine editing and not at all redundant sentences. Fuckbag.)
But anyway, then we went for a hike, we’ve probably written about 30 blogs today, we did some audio (what the hell is he talking about? Is this a camp? Who pays for this?)– we did a new audio confession, another one of my Girls Tell All series tonight – which is a very interesting product that is coming out that I’ll tell you about in a week or two. (Can't wait.)
Yakub and Khiem (oh, them)were asking me tonight how have I become so good at dirty talk. And really, I love dirty talk. (So do I. You're a cocksucker.)And let’s not say ‘dirty,’ I’d rather use the term ‘naughty.’(Ok. You're a dick smoker)
So how did I get so good at naughty talk? (By being a self absorbed asshole?)
I have to thank my college girlfriend. Not Amy Alterman, Amy Alterman was my college girlfriend junior year. (Glad that's cleared up)I used to call her FISP – which stood for Flicking Itching Scratching and Picking (Sounds like a keeper!)– she was definitely very neurotic, and I teased her, of course. I’ve always been teasing women since I was a child! (And he's still single, gals!)
But I have to thank Ellen Weinberger. Ellen Weinberger was this hot, sexy girl from Livingston, New Jersey, that I went to American University with. (Uh-huh)And Ellen Weinberger – every guy in school wanted her. (But you got her? Guaranteed she was a goblin)I met her when I was a sophomore and she was a freshman. She had one of those incredible bodies – 5’3”, natural big breasts, thin little body, brunette, big eyes, and she just reeked of sex appeal. (And scotch)
She was one of the sexiest girls you’ve ever seen. (WE GET IT!) Every guy wanted her in school, but the problem was: she had a boyfriend. (And a dick)
Her boyfriend was this guy named Norm. Norm walked with a limp because he got into some car wreck, so we called him the Limping Boyfriend from Brooklyn (of course, being immature 19-year-olds, that was about the most clever thing we could come up with.) (Now being an immature 40ish, he still thinks it's interesting to talk about his fucking lame ass dates) Ellen and I had instant chemistry, but she had this boyfriend. (Yeah, you said that already. Can we get this guy an editor, please?)I used to go to her room, we used to catch a buzz, and we used to talk dirty to each other. (What are you? 11?)We would literally sit there and tell each other what we would do to each other if we were both single. (Are you fucking kidding me? David is going far and beyond anything here...and that's saying alot!) So I would leave her room, after getting her all hot, and she’d go sleep with her boyfriend (because every weekend she’d go to Brooklyn to see Norm.) I’d go out and have sex with some random little college babe that I’d tried to hook up with – sometimes I’d get lucky, sometimes I wouldn’t. (I'm embarrassed as I read this. Yet I go on.)
At the end of the weekend, I would always see Ellen again, and we’d catch a buzz, and I’d look directly into her eyes and tell her, flat out, that I’d thought about her while I was sleeping with someone else. (This never happened. NEVER. Once again, David is full...of..bull..shit)And I’d tell her about the things I’d want to do to her, and how great it would be if she’d just dump Norm.
This went on for two years. (So is this fucking story)We just talked dirty to each other for two years! (Paid by the word. I'm telling ya)It was unbelievable. It was the most freeing, fantastic experience. I couldn’t have her because she kept dating Norm, but the conversations got deeper, more erotic, and more sexual – I knew everything about her sexually. (Assbag.)
Then, halfway through my senior year, I went to Florida and came back. It was 1984. January 1984 – the start of my last semester of college. (This means David is pushing 50. 50!!)That was the year that old man coats were in style – if you remember those long woolen coats you could get at thrift stores. (They still have them, dickweed!)
I bought an old man coat, I had a little suntan, and I walked into Ellen’s apartment. It was on a Thursday night – we used to go out on Thursday nights, we’d catch a buzz and then go out and drink some more. (Sounds like two alcoholics jerking off)We used to just flirt and tease each other, and then I’d pick up another girl and she’d go to see Norm the next day. (Again with this?)
I remember picking her up, and doing our usual thing, flirting, teasing, talking dirty to each other, and then I dropped her off at her apartment. I asked her if she was going to see Norm that weekend and she said she was actually going to stay around here. I said, alright, cool, and told her we should get together. She said alright, and then she grabbed me, and she kissed me! (Pushing 50, folks. Still looking for some bullshit frat boy validation. Wow.)
Now this was like two years of dirty talk culminating in this fantastic kiss. I was kissing Ellen Weinberger, the girl that everybody at school wanted, and I finally had her! (Everybody in school wanted her? Is this junior high?)
Ellen Weinberger and I ended up going out for the next two years. (I'm exhausted.)
She taught me how to be free with my words. How to push the envelope – how to not care – because our situation was safe. I was busy turning her on for two years with dirty talk, and she was having sex with her boyfriend and thinking about the things that I’d said – and then she would tell me about it. (Yeah, you've mentioned this.)
That’s how I learned how to talk dirty – that’s how I learned how to push it. That’s how I learned what to say, what not to say, and how to say it. (Again. We covered this.)
I have to thank Ellen for allowing me to be free. (Got it.)Ever since then, I’ve always been able to say what’s on my mind sexually. (Yep. Been stated.) Always. Being sexually free is really what it’s about. When I talk dirty I’m not talking in a very graphic way, I’m talking very subliminally. (Sitting on a couch in a dorm room?)But that’s how it all started.
I really believe that when you’re growing up, it’s the experiences that you have with the first couple of women that really set the stage to what kind of man you’re going to become. (David must've been slapped around like a rag doll)And I had fantastic sexual experiences with my first few girlfriends. (Jerking off to JC Penny Catalogue is not sex, Dave!)
My high school girlfriend wouldn’t sleep with me, but we had foreplay all day long. (God, he's not done.)So when all my friends were trying to get laid – thinking about it all the time and then not getting laid – I was getting some great education in foreplay. I learned the importance of foreplay at the age of 17! (OK, he's officially the most full of shit man on the planet!)
And I learned the importance of dirty talk at the age of 19. (Huh?) I had to get really good at talking dirty to get Ellen to break up with Norm. It took me two years of dirty talk to get her to breakup. (This reads like a 5th grade essay. Remember folks, he gets paid to do this.)Two years of practice allows you to perfect it! Once I got her to breakup with Norm, I had the confidence to talk dirty to any woman out there. (I'm rubbing my eyes. Seriously.)
So that’s my story of how I learned to talk dirty. What’s yours? (I learned by telling jag off dirt bag hucksters to go fuck themselves)

FUCKSTICK OF THE YEAR!!!

2008-12-30T09:35:00.003-06:00

In honor of David Wygant's victory in the Sardies, we have a special end of year installment from King of the Douchebags. Sorry, Snrub.

Are You Living A Movie?
Have you ever met somebody, and every time you are with them you feel like the two of you are the lead characters in a movie (while every other person around you is just an extra)? (What?)I am experiencing this right now. (I've never seen a movie where the main character sits at a desk and blogs)
I was actually just walking around today with the most amazing woman,(uh huh) and we both felt like we were in our own little movie. (Jesus! YOU JUST SAID THIS!)It was really interesting, and I want to share something with all of you that I think is the true definition of love. (Get on with it!)
The other day, this woman and I were walking on the promenade in Santa Monica (I guarantee they went to Starbucks) completely off in our own world together. We were walking my dog Daphne, (Thank God we know the precious name of David's fucking dog) holding hands and talking to each other. We walked around checking out store fronts, just enjoying the day and being together. (Snore)
Then we ran into Craig, a friend of mine who actually works with me on weekends, (Is this going anywhere? Does he put any effort into editing?)and who seemed to almost come out of left field. (Almost out of left field? That makes no sense. He either did or he didn't.)Having him approach us kind of broke us out of our zone, and it almost took a minute for it to register that someone was talking to us. (That's called being self centered and dickheaded.)Once it did, however, we talked to Craig for about five minutes and were totally present during that conversation. (Oh, good.)
After we left Craig,(stop saying Craig) we talked about him for about 30 seconds (mostly me filling her in on who he is and how I know him) (thank God David gives us every minutia detail of every fucking conversation he has) and then we went right back into our own little movie. (Oh, fuuuuuuuuuuck you)It was almost like Craig was a minor character who popped in and out of one scene in our movie, and he never crossed our minds again once his mini-appearance in that scene ended. (I'm going to LA and finding him and punching him in the nuts. Seriously.)
It’s not a knock on other people. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to other people. It’s just that when I’m with her, I feel like she and I have created our own movie in which every other person is just an extra. It’s truly an amazing feeling. (Deep, deep exasperated sigh)
That night she and I went out to dinner. The people at the table next to us started talking to us. We were friendly, and engaged in a short conversation with them. The minute we finished that conversation, though, we went immediately back into our own world and our little movie. (WE GET IT!)We were so engrossed in our world, in fact, that it took the waiter two or three approaches to our table before he got our attention. (Oh, waiters love that!)
It’s a beautiful thing to be able to get lost in your own little world with somebody. (Unless you're somebody else) It’s what we are all striving to create. (We are?)We are all striving to create a world with someone where both of you can get lost together. (And the syrup is coming out of the bottle in rapid speed)
It is a world where you share an incredible connection and love with someone. You are so connected that this person you love can tell you a story, and you can actually see the place they’re describing even though you’ve never been there. (Gonna..barf)You see what they saw. (Gorp! Must..keep..bile...down)You can understand exactly what they were thinking. You can feel their emotions. (And out it comes! )
You’re just so connected to that person and to their soul, that you are able to really feel everything they feel even if you haven’t experienced each thing for yourself. (You just said this)That is what this is all about and why we spend so much time working on ourselves. We want to get to the point in our life where we create our own movie with someone in which we are the lead character and every other person is just an extra in the background. (or you're a self centered man child fuckstick)

The SARDIES Nominations Are In!

2008-12-02T15:54:00.007-06:00

As founder of this here blog, I am picking the winners - Mr. Leonard Belka.

Winners in RED. "Congrats to all and to all a congrats...." (Mr. Belka drunk speech - circa 1975)

It was July of this year when the Sardonic News Conglomerate made its inaugural post. Although it hasn't been a full year, the staff at the SNC has compiled nominations in several categories for the 2008 SARDIES!

(Nominations are for items mentioned within the confines of this blog)
More, possibly, to follow:

"THE DALEY" (FuckStick of the Year)

David Wygant
Glenn Beck
Jay Marriotti

"THE GAZPACHO" (MOST AWFUL IDEA):

Dating coaches
New Orleans Dead Body Cover Up (Cynthia McKinney)
Fake Bigfoot Press Conference
Fidelity Contracts

"The BLAGO" (STUPIDEST DIPSHIT):

Cynthia McKinney
The guys who took David Wygant's dating seminars
Jay Marriotti
Blago - the Guv

"SOCIETY FOR PUTTING THINGS ON TOP OF OTHER THINGS" AWARD (a.k.a. Biggest Bullshit Job Description)

David Wygant - Dating Coach
Brad Berens - Chief content officer for iMedia Communications, who analyzes how media advances change people's behavior.
Marian Salzman - a futurist and trendspotter
Leon James - University of Hawaii professor and expert in the psychology of driving
Dr. Gilda - Relationship Expert

"THE ULTIMATE SARDY AWARD" (a.k.a. I wanted to punch something in the nuts after reading this story....award)

http://sardonicnews.blogspot.com/2008/11/its-been-awhile-since-weve-checked-in.html

http://sardonicnews.blogspot.com/2008/10/men-are-to-blame-forsarah-palin.html

http://sardonicnews.blogspot.com/2008/08/i-hate-him-i-hate-him-i-hate-him.html

http://sardonicnews.blogspot.com/2008/08/mike-wallace-it-aint.html

http://sardonicnews.blogspot.com/2008/11/2032s-jeffrey-steingarten.html

http://sardonicnews.blogspot.com/2008/11/barack-you-complete-me.html

"The Hannity" -(Most Condescending Remark and/or Quote)

From Nov. 13th, "Barack, You Complete Me...":

Psychologist Lester Lefton - "Americans are among the most resilient people on this planet," he says. "We will all be fine. You too, Republicans. For those Americans whose candidate did not prevail, time is your best friend. Eventually you will adjust and recognize the country is not falling apart simply because the 'other' candidate is in office. And soon these proud Americans will begin to refocus their energies."

From Inaugural Post:

Eve Pidgeon - Superparent: "It was nothing for our mothers to send us away for two months. We were their jobs 24 hours a day, so perhaps they needed a respite," Pidgeon says. "They perhaps didn't ache for their kids on a daily basis, as working parents do."

Excerpt from Susan Dominus, Nov. 17th entry:

"....David Fishman, an Upper West Sider who turned 12 last month, decided to take himself out for dinner one night last week. His parents had called him at home to say they were running late, suggesting that he grab some takeout at the usual hummus place. Hummus, again? David thought he could do better than that..."

More Terrorist Ammo....

2008-12-02T10:19:00.003-06:00

Are you afflicted with 'TiVo guilt'?

By David Daniel CNN

LOS ANGELES, California (CNN) -- Bloated? Overstuffed? Ready to slim down? You're not alone -- and we're not talking about post-Thanksgiving torpor. (Whoa-wha??? Oh. I totally thought you were talking about post-Thanksgiving torpor! Awesome misdirection!)

What's weighing many folks down these days isn't too much turkey, sweet potatoes and pumpkin pie, but too much "House," "Grey's Anatomy" and "CSI." (hey, that rhymes! Mr. Daniel you are earning your check, good sir.)

More and more people are becoming turned off by their TiVos. Digital video recorders (DVRs) revolutionized television for many viewers, freeing them from endless VCR programming and buying and keeping track of tapes. But it turns out that very ease is providing users with more than they can watch -- and turning a joy into drudgery. (If DVR maintenance is 'drudgery', then, I think we might need a nuclear blast somewhere in America. Just to thin out the ranks a little bit.)

"You want to watch TV, and what do you have? You turn on your DVR and you have a homework assignment," says Brad Berens, chief content officer for iMedia Communications, who analyzes how media advances change people's behavior. (another bullshit gig I missed out on! Seriously, how do these jobs exist?)

"Economists call this 'opportunity costs,' " explains Berens. "You're sitting there and you have to weigh, well, 'I have to watch this thing, because I promised myself when I told TiVo ... (oh, God. I need bullets...stat!) I want the whole season of that! Go get it! And go get things like it!' (are you speaking to a dog?) And so you've committed to this decision and it's a burden -- suddenly your relaxation has turned into more work." ( There are people losing their jobs on a daily basis, assholes! THIS is the shit you consider a burden?!? FUUUCK YOOOU!)

(I wonder what superstar actress Amanda Peet thinks...) Actress Amanda Peet ("Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," the forthcoming film "What Doesn't Kill You") can relate. (ah, good. Some insight!) She told CNN that her TiVo is filled with programs ranging from the Ken Burns' documentary "The War" (suuuuure it is) to the Sunday morning news shows -- and she's struggling to delete any of it, though much remains unwatched.

"I do have weird OCD where I need to clean out my TiVo," she said. "Like we've had Ken Burns' 'The War' on there forever (repetition in a CNN feature? the HELL you say!) and we're not gonna watch it, like I'm not gonna watch it cause I'm too scared. (scared?) Or we'll have back episodes of um, 'Meet The Press' -- I'm obsessed with my Sunday shows like 'Meet The Press' and 'Face The Nation.' (You're the only one, Amanda. 'Face the Nation'??)... They're like from before the election, I'm like 'I can't [delete them], I have to watch them' and [my husband says], 'It's already happened, you've already read everything you're going to read about this stuff.' " (Number of times she said 'like': 5)

"TiVo guilt" isn't a new development -- a quick Google check (THERE it is! The emblem of journalistic research for the new decade...Google) offers articles using the phrase dating back at least two years -- and it has its parallels with procrastination involving previous technologies. (Who didn't have a stack of never-watched VHS tapes collecting dust?) (the homeless)

But the explosion of TV channels -- not to mention TV shows, movies, music and webisodes available via the Internet (where can I find webisodes? Oh. thanks for the clarification.) -- has made the situation infinitely worse, says Berens.

"With infinite media, you have infinite choices, and therefore you have infinite opportunity costs," he says (without a hint of hyperbole). "Your satisfaction index (.....long exhale...steadyyyy....) of the thing you actually choose can never be equivalent to the infinite opportunity costs, so we're in this position of being behind the cognitive eight-ball all the time." (People like to use big words to sound important - G. Carlin)

Berens and others have written about "eventness," (That's it! I'm done with this guy) the phenomenon of experiencing something in connection with other people (it's called "common experience") The longer a program sits on your DVR before you watch it, goes the theory, the less satisfying an experience it will be. (wow. Berens must double-over in evil laughter when he cashes his paycheck...)

But plenty of people who've never heard of "eventness" or "opportunity costs" (people like, say, everybody in the whole world) are growing alarmed (alarmed? scared? What is this? Dresden circa 1941?) at their ever-increasing DVR playlists.

"I've got three weeks' worth of 'The Mentalist,' (whatever) two weeks worth of 'New Adventures of Old Christine' (fine) and 'Gary Unmarried,' (that lasted two weeks?) three weeks worth of 'Ugly Betty,' (this is still on?) two weeks worth of 'Fringe,' (what the fuck is that?) two 'Inside the Actors Studios,' (well, THAT I can understand. Can't get enough of actors talking about themselves) one 'Shield,' and two 'Without A Traces,' " wrote columnist Elissa Bass of The (New London, Connecticut) Day (circulation: 12) recently, tallying up more than a half-day's worth of programming. "I look at them and I start to wonder: Do I still like this show? Should I just delete them and knock them from my season pass? (yes) Is there really such a thing as too much TV?" (God, NO! Let's not say things we can't take back!)

Fortunately, as the saying goes, recognizing you have a problem is the first step toward a solution, says Berens.

"I think that if you give things a name, that's a wonderfully empowering gesture (Just when I thought I was done with him, he pulls another priceless gem out of his ass)... because now [viewers] know what it is and know that they can take control of their media choices, (because, prior to naming it, they were like retarded apes, punching remotes with their paws) they can take back that remote and hit the delete button and not feel guilty -- all you need to know is that other people are feeling it, and then I think the guilt can go away." (Nothing says 'expert, qualified, psychoanalyst' like a 'chief content officer of IMedia....")

So take heart, sufferers of TiVo Guilt: You're not alone, and deleting month-old programs -- and even an ill-advised Season Pass or two -- just might increase your enjoyment of what you do watch. (or, it might make you go outside once in awhile)

It's Been Awhile Since We've Checked In On This Assbag

2008-11-28T11:38:00.003-06:00

Phony balogna bullshit huckster David Wygant is back at it.

Over The River And Through Whole Foods… (barf bag, please)
Over the river and through Whole Foods to anyone’s house we go …

So on this Thanksgiving Day, I wanted to share with all of you my take on the day — as well as a little personal message from me. (Nice sentence. Again. Just one reread is all we're asking, David. One.)

Did you sing that song as a kid — you know, the “Over The River And Through The Woods To Grandmother’s House We Go …” song? (No. I was forced to recite it a few times in music class but I never actually sung it. I'm not a douchebag.) I never really understood the “over the river and through the woods” analogy for Thanksgiving because my Grandmother made the driest turkey this side of the Sahara Desert. (The song's from the 1800s, dumb ass. And....huh?)

We’re about to head into the holiday season. Six weeks of tedious annoying Zales Jewelers commercials, not to mention that lovely $69.00 diamond pendant with diamonds the size of bedbugs. (For those assholes who can't afford 3,000 diamonds. What a bunch of losers!)

What Thanksgiving really kicks off (other than the end of the Chargers’ playoff hopes) (oh, a sports reference. Too bad it's a bad one. The Chargers have been in the playoffs pretty damn consistently for the last 5 years. David has no clue about sports yet he tries to relate.)is the start of the most vulnerable six weeks of the year for singles. Let’s call it “the quest to meet someone before 5-4-3-2-1 woo hoo Happy New Year!” (When I was single I never once thought about this. Not...once.)

I’ve had some great Thanksgiving Days though. I remember a few years ago when I had nothing going on for Thanksgiving. (That does sound great.)So I walked into Whole Foods (fuck you. Is Whole Foods paying this douche?)the day before Thanksgiving and I picked up my Thanksgiving dinner: (stop saying Thanksgiving) a box of Peanut Butter Bumpers and soy milk. (I want to hit him harder than anyone I've ever hit in my life. Soy milk? You fuck stick.)

As I was looking for some pumpkin pie to finish off my sugar rush, I bumped into this really sexy woman who had a cart full of some really great looking food. (Great looking food?)So I started a conversation with her:

DW: “Your dinner looks a lot better than mine.”
Her: “Please tell me that’s not your Thanksgiving dinner.”
DW: “I’d love to tell you it’s not not my Thanksgiving dinner, but that would be a lie. I was going to get Cruchberries, but they were out of them. Crunchberries remind me of my Grandmother’s cranberry sauce and dried out turkey.” (This conversation has never happened. Guaranteed. A running joke here on the David Wygant Watch at SNC)

We proceeded to talk, and she said that she refused to let me eat Peanut Butter Bumpers for Thanksgiving … and I got invited to a Thanksgiving night party with her and seven of her friends. (That is a great story!)

I have a confession to make to all of you — I’ve done that every year I’ve been single. (Oh, what a cad!)

I actually enjoy spending Thanksgiving with total strangers. I mean, didn’t the pilgrims do that before they killed all the Indians? (White guilt--that's not tiring)Then again, my knowledge of history is a little poor at times … (Except when it involves your tedious matchmaking tales)

So if you want to know where I’ll be today, I will be spending the day with my girlfriend and having dinner with friends. (He's so much better than me and my pathetic attempts at spending time with 'family')

On a more serious note, (you were joking?) I do want to wish all of you and your families a very Happy Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a day to be thankful, and I am thankful for many things this year. A thanks to all of you for letting me come into your hearts, minds … and your computer screens this year. (Oh, no, thank you. You've given me shitloads of material)

Also, a special thank you to all the guys who — once again in overwhelmingly large numbers (6)— were kind enough to send me the feedback I requested yesterday for the upcoming launch of my membership site. (Just a sidenote--God what a cock.)

So Enjoy Turkey Day! (Stop. Just stop. And go to hell.)

Let's Draw Straws To See Who Gets Arkansas

2008-11-26T12:06:00.009-06:00

Russian analyst predicts decline and breakup of U.S.

MOSCOW, November 24 (RIA Novosti) - A leading (really?) Russian political analyst has said the economic turmoil in the United States has confirmed his long-held view that the country is heading for collapse, and will divide into separate parts (Listening to blowhard Russians talk sometimes is like calling home to see how the family is doing? To get an answer to a simple question, you have to wade through a chorus of backstories, posturings, injections of themselves into completely irrelevant stories, declarations of where they stand on such and such and a mountain of qualifications just to get to an answer to the question, "How's Uncle Bob doing?".) .

Professor Igor Panarin said in an interview with the respected daily Izvestia published on Monday: "The dollar is not secured by anything (Okay. He has a mild point here. America's expected progress when it comes to the value of the dollar is pretty much backed solely by the expected wonderfulness of the American dollar. Nothing can go wrong with that, huh?). The country's foreign debt has grown like an avalanche (Check. Can't argue much with that. I thought my 20s were irresponsible.), even though in the early 1980s there was no debt. By 1998, when I first made my prediction, it had exceeded $2 trillion. Now it is more than 11 trillion. This is a pyramid that can only collapse." (Okay. Now define 'collapse'.)

The paper said Panarin's dire predictions for the U.S. economy, initially made at an international conference in Australia 10 years ago at a time when the economy appeared strong, have been given more credence by this year's events.

When asked when the U.S. economy would collapse, Panarin said: "It is already collapsing. Due to the financial crisis, three of the largest and oldest five banks on Wall Street have already ceased to exist, and two are barely surviving. Their losses are the biggest in history. Now what we will see is a change in the regulatory system on a global financial scale: America will no longer be the world's financial regulator." (Um...Igor. Europe, by nearly everyone's financial assessment, is in worse shape than us. So who's going to take the throne? The National Bank of Djibouti? The 'reliably' stable markets of Russia? C'mon.)

When asked who would replace the U.S. in regulating world markets, he said: "Two countries could assume this role: China, with its vast reserves (Possible. Some say if they play their cards right, China's the winner here. If they don't, they're in the crapper...like the rest of us.), and Russia, which could play the role of a regulator in Eurasia." (Now there's a country with a track record for transparency and a beacon for the greater good to take us through the next century.)

Asked why he expected the U.S. to break up into separate parts (Wow. Not only the meanderings of the stupid, but fun stupid. Christo excited.), he said: "A whole range of reasons. Firstly, the financial problems in the U.S. will get worse. Millions of citizens there have lost their savings. Prices (What? I just filled up for a $1.93/gallon in Elmhurst Monday.) and unemployment are on the rise. General Motors and Ford are on the verge of collapse (20 year curve, there.), and this means that whole cities will be left without work. Governors are already insistently demanding money from the federal center (And aren't going to get it. Blame the stupid-ass states who thought a mandatory, constitutional balanced budget was a good idea. And a weird 90s conservative philosophy. Deficits aren't always bad, people!). Dissatisfaction is growing, and at the moment it is only being held back by the elections and the hope that Obama can work miracles. But by spring, it will be clear that there are no miracles." (This is a growing sentiment among idiots. Apparently, Obama has exactly three months to right a disaster that took 10 years to wrought. Only in America. Well, apparently not. Sit back, relax, strap it down. We're going to be here awhile with this recession/depression/calamity/"We're all going to die!)

He also cited the "vulnerable political setup", "lack of unified national laws", and "divisions among the elite, which have become clear in these crisis conditions." (Vague enough for ya? Can't you use those three things to explain every kind of crisis in the history of history? French Revolution? Check. Russian Revolution? Check. And so on and so on. Sounds like one of my Political Science papers in college. 'Vulnerable political setup' opened every third paragraph.)

He predicted that the U.S. will break up into six parts - the Pacific coast, with its growing Chinese population; the South, with its Hispanics; Texas, where independence movements are on the rise; the Atlantic coast, with its distinct and separate mentality; five of the poorer central states with their large Native American populations; and the northern states, where the influence from Canada is strong. (BHAHAHAHA!!!! Canada gets New York! The Sioux gets Iowa! The Asians get Seattle! Texas secedes! Well. I might be able to get behind that.)

He even suggested that "we could claim Alaska - it was only granted on lease, after all." (Insert Sarah Palin joke here.)

On the fate of the U.S. dollar, he said: "In 2006 a secret agreement was reached between Canada, Mexico and the U.S. on a common Amero currency as a new monetary unit. This could signal preparations to replace the dollar. The one-hundred dollar bills that have flooded the world could be simply frozen. Under the pretext, let's say, that terrorists are forging them and they need to be checked." (What? No reference to Jews taking over the world? C'mon. If you're going to talk like a nut-bag, at least do it right.)

When asked how Russia should react to his vision of the future, Panarin said: "Develop the ruble as a regional currency. Create a fully functioning oil exchange, trading in rubles... We must break the strings tying us to the financial Titanic, which in my view will soon sink." (And we all know how historically stable the ruble is.)

Panarin, 60, is a professor at the Diplomatic Academy of the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs, and has authored several books on information warfare. (Scintillating reads, I'm sure. And is the Diplomatic Academy hiring? Talk about a Fun. Place. To work! Igor, you had me at 'Amero currency'. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me haaapppyy, when skies are gray...)

Lance Briggs Has the Pulse of the Team....

2008-11-21T11:41:00.002-06:00

Has money changed them? Briggs says no

November 21, 2008
BY BRAD BIGGS

One of the big fears in free agency, as Bears general manager Jerry Angelo has testified for years, is writing a big check for the great unknown. (that's a lot different than signing sure-bet draft picks, I guess)

It's why the Bears like to reward their own players (for finishing a fantastic 7-9 in 2007), comfortably investing in what they do know. After the kind of money they spent the last two years, though, the question has to be asked: Have players become complacent after their windfalls? (the HELL you say!)

Something has to explain the same group of players falling from near the top of the NFL in defense to 19th. (yeah. It's called complacency. You answered it in your question, Brad)

''Basically, you're saying that you get some money, so you don't play as hard as you did before you got the contract,'' linebacker Lance Briggs said. ''I've heard it happens. ("What's a murder?" - Fat Tony) I can only speak for myself. I've always played the game the same way (Tasmanian Devil-like). Been no changes -- there's never going to be a change. (..especially after I bitched, moaned, threatened to leave, demanded a trade and, eventually, after holding management hostage in contract negotiations, got my way and a ton of cash thrown at me. Hell NO, you won't see me changin'!I play hard no matter what!)

''I've played with the guys here for a long time (four years), and there's no way you can convince me that these guys are playing satisfied (the preferred euphemism for 'shitty and lazy'). ... These guys, if you even look at the fourth quarter of the last game, getting beat (shellacked) 37-3, there's guys that are still fighting (in compliance with their contract) to get to that ball carrier to make some stops (in order to collect on the incentive bonuses based on number of tackles made in a season.....) . So, no. Poor execution, poor play, yes. But satisfied? Not this group.''

In his weekly visit with the media (that's big of him), Briggs reiterated that the Bears can return to greatness when they have the desire to do so. Why, then, hasn't the defense decided to turn it on yet? (nothing like a legitimate question to bring out the bullshit....here it comes.)

''We know what we have been (7-9 in a shitty division), I know what we can be (6-5 in a shitty division),'' Briggs said, ''and the thing about it is we're fighting for something right now (as opposed to the beginning of the season), and that's what we have to do. I said this defense will play great football when we decide (ooooooooh...thaaaaaat's all it takes? NOW, I get it. It's when you "decide" to play "great football". And, that doesn't seem to occur to you when you cash your payroll checks? I see. Makes sense) . Our problems are not from our coaching (sure), it's not from the technique, it's not from the defense (37 points to Green Bay, Lance, tells a different story). It is within ourselves, and that's something that we have to solve within our own selves, within our group.''

OK, so what's the holdup? (Biggs, stop it! You're making me like a SunTimes reporter....)

''I can't answer that question for you because it's an in-house problem,'' he said. ''That's something that we have to solve among ourselves.'' (Could you repeat that, please? I didn't hear it the first four times you said it.)

2032's Jeffrey Steingarten

2008-11-17T13:27:00.006-06:00

By SUSAN DOMINUS

Everyone’s a critic, and apparently it’s never too soon to start (De-bat-a-ble!).

That’s why David Fishman, an Upper West Sider who turned 12 last month (glurp...ump...CAAAACKKK...(wipes mouth) excuse me. I better pace myself on this one. Could get messy.), decided to take himself out for dinner one night last week. His parents had called him at home to say they were running late, suggesting that he grab some takeout at the usual hummus place (Oh, they're soooo New York! And Susan was soooo casual in dropping that one in.).

Hummus, again? (Ahem...) David thought he could do better than that (Fuck that fuckin' boring-ass gruel) .

He had recently passed by the newly opened Salumeria Rosi, a few blocks from his home, and had been intrigued by the reflective black back wall, the cuts of dried pork hanging from the ceiling, the little jars of cured olives and artichokes adorning the walls. If it was O.K. with his mom (and it turned out it was), he wanted to try that instead (Anyone thinking Susan's the mommy here? Or better yet, she wants to steal little David Fishman because he's just too fucking adorable for words in her eyes.)

David aspires to be a food critic (You'd think it would be tough to hate 12 year-olds. I hate David...with the white-hot passion of a thousand suns. And I don't even know him.) — he has some vague notion that he could make a living writing for the Zagat guides — and the new Italian spot on Amsterdam Avenue near 73rd Street seemed worthy of investigation (Or his forthcoming dumb-ass observations that all of us are supposed to find cute, just like Susan did.).

That night, Tuesday, turned out to be one of the first that the restaurant was open to the public. David requested a menu, which the hostess handed him, and decided that it was within his budget ($25). Then he asked for a table for one and waited to see what she’d say. A year before, he had been turned away from a half-empty restaurant in Montauk and told that it did not serve children unaccompanied by adults. (Hey! Susan! It's a liability thing, you stupid...!) “I was angry, but I didn’t show it,” (He's so brave!) he said. “What can you do?” (And existential! That's a deadly combo. He'll go far in life. Susan thinks so.)

Grown-up or not, tables were hard to come by that evening — every seat was booked, mostly by friends of the chef and owner, Cesare Casella, the Tuscan impresario behind Maremma in the West Village. Even a boldfaced name dropped by (Tony Danza (Well...c'mon...what else does Tony have to do?), who, to the David Fishmans of the world, is just another old fogy). But the hostess decided to squeeze in the Salumeria’s first unaccompanied customer under 4 feet 8 (...lil' chunk), as long as he promised to be out by 8 p.m. It was a deal.

Nobody at the restaurant seemed terribly impressed by Tony Danza (Again...weeeelll...c'mon), but David Fishman — now that was something. People tried not to stare, but couldn’t help themselves. Where were his parents? Was he enjoying the food? Cash or credit? (Okay. Was Susan at the restaurant that night? If she was, that should probably be disclosed. If not, knock out the atmospheric speculation!)

Normally passionate for seafood, (Somebody call the Pope. We have a second confirmed instance of immaculate conception. Susan just got pregnant simply by writing a story about a fucking 12 year-old aspiring food critic. No dick or nothin'. Just a little David in the oven. She wants, nay, needs a little David in her life. Because all the fawning over the little shit will, by extension, spills over onto her.) David ordered a specialty of the restaurant, a prosciutto, as well as what the menu called una insalata di rucola e parmigiano (That's the specialty? A prosciutto, arugula and parmesan salad? Good luck with that, guys.). “Good variety,” (I'm sold.) he wrote in the leather-bound notebook he brought along, restaurant-critic-like. “Softish jazz music. Seem to enjoy kids but not overly.” In other words, no cloying smiles or insulting offer of grilled cheese. (WWWWHHHHHOOOOOAAAAAA!!!!!! Fuck you fucking people that write and think this fucking shit!!!!!! 95% of all kids and parents desperately want grilled cheeese and corn dogs and mini pizzas and mini burgers and mac-n-cheese!!!!! Shut up, shut up , shut up! Who's next?! And let me relay a story here. Last night, I was waiting on a table of two parents and two kids. As I was reciting the specials, one of the little shits kept trying to interrupt me with the typical nonsensical blather that I'm apparently supposed to find cute. I don't know what the little shit was saying. I wasn't paying attention. But I did catch the last little stupid-ass nugget. The little 4 year old said, "I want Thai food!" As I held back the projectile vomit from that crap, the mother said, "I bet you don't have many children ask you for Thai food, do you?" Now, I don't want to pat myself on the back too much here but...I gave her the best deadpan stare I've given in years. Such a wonderful look of embarrassment washed over her face that it just made my night. You fucking parents who think it's okay to let your kids think they should be treated like adults in restaurants can suck my hairy, blue-veined left nut. But I digress.)

An Australian couple seated beside him struck up a conversation — he had no idea how much the financial collapse here was affecting the Australian dollar! — and a young couple on the other side of his table insisted, against his polite but firm protestations, on buying him a chocolate mousse. In turn, he recommended that they try the arugula salad (Oh JHC! Be more saccharine, Susan!)

The kitchen workers were so intrigued by the young adventurous eater that they sent out a bowl of complimentary tripe stew, which he enjoyed, although, he allowed, “It wasn’t my favorite.” He was a little surprised to learn, subsequently, that tripe was prepared intestines. (Alright, I won't be too tough on him (or her) here. I waited on a 50 year-old woman who didn't know what arugula was. Not 'didn't know the difference from spinach'. She'd never HEARD of it! 50. Years. Old.) His eyes went wide. “Intestines of what?” he asked. (Somehow, that seemed to matter.) (<---Not mine...and thank all that is holy for that!)

Food is David’s life — well, food and swimming and volunteering (Just volunteering. No specifics. He just volunteers.) and student council and green rooftops (his school, Fieldston, has one). But he really likes food. (Pick that up, would you Dierdre?) At 6, he won a competition at the Crumbs Bakery for the best new cupcake concept (Well, bully for him! I won a cake walk at Camanche Days once.) (David’s Peppermint Patty Cupcake). As a prize, he got a free cupcake every Wednesday for a year — and then, even though he wasn’t technically supposed to, for more than a year after that. Sadly, eventually all the people who worked there were replaced. “Now they don’t know anything about it,” he said (12 year-old scammer in my book...but...nothing different from any food critic I've ever experienced so he's on track.).

BUT the young foodie has cultivated a new fan in Chef Casella, a burly man who generally tours his restaurants with a trademark sprig of herb in his pocket. (Rebel.) Mr. Casella came over the evening of David’s big night out to extend a greeting, and sent him home with a gift of fine hazelnut spread. Though David was disappointed that the restaurant did not serve gelato, he got points with Mr. Casella for knowing a little something about Italian cuisine (What? Because the little terd knew what gelato was? Ugh.).

“He reminded me of me, when I was younger,” (Oh, you were a douche-bag as well? It's important to be honest with yourself, I guess.) said Mr. Casella, who used to drive all over Europe by himself to try the best restaurants. “He is so cool, though — more confident than I am when I eat out by myself.” (Um...really? Butch up, Sally.)

Mr. Casella likewise made an impression on David. “He looked like a real meat guy,” (Read: Fat-ass Italian with a protruding gut.) David said. Like a butcher? “Like a butcher-slash-guy who would eat a lot of meat,” (OH, HOLY FUCK! If he actually said 'slash', let's employ all the 12 year-old bullies at Fieldston to beat the living shit out of this nerd.) he clarified.

As independent as David is, he is not allowed to walk around much after dark (Much?! Given a different context, this shit would be abandonment and parental neglect. Call DCFS. I don't think 'much' is part of the equation.) by himself, so his mom swung by the restaurant to pick him up when he called. Once home, he wrote up the review, Zagat-style, in his private journal, giving the restaurant a 24 out of 25 for food, and a 23 out of 25 for décor. (A 12 year-old Gene Shalit in the making. Or just Gene Shalit. Six of one...)

“As I left,” he wrote, “I knew that soon enough this would be one of the most ‘hip’ places in the city.” If there was a weak spot, it was the service, in his opinion: 21 out of 25. In his notes, David remarked that the bread service was a little slow. (Yeah. Be petty about the free shit.)

“I agree,” the chef said when presented with the critique. “We’re working on it.” (Placating 12 year-olds. Good start, guys.)

Barack, You Complete Me....

2008-11-13T08:57:00.004-06:00

The votes are all tallied ... now what?
Activists seek ways to redirect campaign energy

November 11, 2008
BY PAIGE WISER

Betsy Storm is elated -- and yet somehow at loose ends.

The Chicago volunteer worked on Barack Obama's campaign for 18 months, hosting college kids for "Camp Obama," (where they earned Merit Badges for "Speechifyin'" and "Hillary Bashing") making lunches for campaign staff, phone banking, traveling to Iowa (wow. That WAS a sacrifice!). She even designed a "Mamas for Obama Know the Power of Voting" (Jesus. Does this shirt need an appendix?) T-shirt that raised $1,000 for the campaign (Obama couldn't have won it without it).

Betsy ("The Hurricane") Storm collected (stole) a lot of Barack Obama memorabilia during her 18 months as a Chicago campaign volunteer. (O.J. and his posse might come looking for it, so, be armed) Those who took an active role in the campaign could have trouble filling the void after the election.

So what is she supposed to do now? (There's nothing left to accomplish, really. He won. America is back to being awesome) "The thrill of a winning campaign, especially a historic event like this one, is a tough act to follow," Storm says.

And Republicans who didn't see their candidate win office arguably feel worse. (so, let's not interview them)

Even if you weren't actively campaigning, odds are that you were keeping up with the race on the cable nightly talk shows, or obsessively clicking online for the latest poll results, or opining loudly about Sarah Palin's wardrobe ethics. (....unless, ya' know, you had a LIFE)

It was all-consuming entertainment of the first order.

And now you feel ... empty. How do you fill this void? (Spackle)

Psychologist Lester Lefton advises us to to take heart. "Americans are among the most resilient people on this planet," he says. "We will all be fine." (just look at the stock market for proof!)

You too, Republicans. "For those Americans whose candidate did not prevail, time is your best friend," Lester says. "Eventually you will adjust and recognize the country is not falling apart simply because the 'other' candidate is in office. And soon these proud Americans will begin to refocus their energies." (Finalist for "Most Condescending Remark" award for 2008!)

Miggie ("went wee-wee-wee all the way home") Greenberg, assistant professor of psychiatry at Saint Louis University (Odds of Miggie being a personal friend of Paige Wiser: 89%) , says this transitional time is an opportunity. "We can use our newly reclaimed time in other types of civic involvement, like volunteering for a cause we believe in, or we can rediscover hobbies that have been placed on the back burner (Whaaa? Because, you just didn't have time for hobbies during the election?? Jesus, people....) ," Greenberg says. "It's also important to reconnect with other people who share our same values, which can be validating." (or exclusionary)

"And, if all else fails to cheer you up, remember -- the next presidential election is only four short years away." (And, you can go back to diverting yourselves from your pathetic, worthless lives again!)

A few suggestions for post-election pastimes:

1. "The first thing to obsess on is what kind of dog they're going to get," says Marian Salzman, a futurist and trendspotter. (How do you land that gig? Seriously. Futurist? Trendspotter? Wasn't Ewan McGregor in that movie?)

2. If you're addicted to polls, visit http://www.buzzdash.com/. (and do us all a favor and stay home) It's a social polling site with more than 13,000 live polls -- and a participant named "Chicago Mike" who is given to asking questions like, "Who would win if the 1972 Dolphins played the 1942 Chicago Bears?" (......urge to kill rising.....)

3. Train for a marathon. Imagine if you redirected all that mental energy into physical energy. (If it's me, that mental energy would result in exactly one lap around my neighborhood park)

4. Publicly endorse a candidate for the Oscar race. (.............hilarious)

5. Get involved in community service. "The really wonderful thing we've learned from the Obama campaign is that people can make an incremental difference by giving $2 and $5, (I learned that in church, not a fucking political campaign....okay....now, I'm getting pissed off) ." Salzman says. "You don't have to be a large donor to make a difference. And I think that's a message of real hope for people." Betsy Storm plans to step up her work with Heifer International. (Either affiliated with Playboy or a company run by cows)

6. Work for the environment, either by greening (ugh) your own life or getting out the word to others (because there's nothing people like more than being preached to about the environment) . You can never do enough -- and it's a cause that's not likely to resolve itself anytime soon. (no shit?)

7. Fall in love. Barack and Michelle Obama, a genuinely loving partnership (as evidenced by their fist-pump), could set the tone for the country. (because, ya' know, George and Laura hated each other) This is not likely to be a "Sex and the City" era (??!?!?!) , but a time to settle down. It makes good financial sense, too. (but, fall in love first. That's the 'easy' part)

8. Spend more time with your family, and entertain at home. Until the economy sorts itself out, the emphasis will be on simple pleasures. "We'll be eating a lot of very good soup," Salzman predicts. (Trendspotter and futurist, indeed.)

(GGGGGAaaaaaaaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!)

Pithy nothings.

2008-11-03T14:30:00.004-06:00

In next president, let's see respect, not just swagger

Dawn Turner Trice
November 3, 2008

I want a president who understands that Article II of our Constitution doesn't give us an overly elaborate description of what the presidency should be. So he (or one day, she) (....hopefully, 'sir' - Simpsons reference #21 from the SNC) has to check himself, understanding that his powers are immense but not boundless. He should neither exploit them nor abuse them.

I want a president who appreciates that he is the embodiment and caretaker of an institution in which Americans of every hue see the best of our country and ourselves reflected back. (What in jumping Caesar's catfish are you talking about? I've read this sentence ten times now and I'm still lost)

I want a president who has the intellectual heft needed to help us dig out of our various holes. (I beg your pardon?) I'm not interested in a "Joe the President." (what if his last name is 'Biden'?)He and I won't ever need to sit down and have a beer, or throw back a few shots of hard liquor or even go bowling. (even go bowling?!? Whoa! Let's not say things we can't take back, there, Dawn!) We've had an everyman; we know how far a false swagger can take us.

I want a president who is curious about the world around him—a president who neither thinks as an ideologue nor speaks in sound bites; who neither believes that issues are simply black and white, nor thinks as if they are. (...not to leave the room, even if you come and get him.....Monty Python reference #26 for SNC)

I want a president who recognizes that he doesn't know everything, so he surrounds himself with people—from both sides of the aisle (because, ya' know, there are only TWO sides) and from opposing viewpoints—who can help fill in the gaps.

I want a president with whom I can "laugh with" as opposed to "laugh at." (did ya'....did ya' see what she did there? How she took the preposition...and...how she...awesome.)

I want a president who wants to hear what scientists say about global warming and then work to effect change. (even if what they hear from scientists is a load of bullshit, I still want them to effect change. And, what the fuck does 'effect change' mean, anyway? I'm getting a little tired of that empty catch-phrase.)

I want a president who appreciates green spaces and sees the importance of creating bicycle and walking pathway systems that rival our interstate highway system. (Look at me! I ride a bike!)

I want a president who has the discipline and stamina of a marathoner and the heart and dig of the best little leaguer. (Look at me! I run marathons!.....and little leaguers suck at baseball. I don't care how much heart they have. Instead, I want a Major Leaguer that falls out of bed a better ballplayer than 99% of the population.)

I want a president who loves the arts and believes in growing national treasures such as the great (now late) Studs Terkel who can write about average Americans with nuance and humanity. (What if the president thought Studs Terkel was a shitty writer? Seriously. So what? Doesn't mean he hates the arts because YOU think he's a growing national treasure, does it?)

I want a president who has convictions but knows when to let go. (...sigh)

I want a president who is loyal to his friends but not loyal to a fault. (unless I would happen to be one of his friends...then, it's okay)

I want a president who can bring an end to our wars and take the billions of dollars being spent overseas and invest them in more affordable health care and education systems here at home. If the movie 'Dave' taught us nothing else, it's that complex problems can be solved with an overly-simplistic, idealistic approach. Shouldn't we hire Charles Grodin to advise?)

I want a president who will not turn over his job to the vice president (except when going under general anesthesia). (is that another 'Dave' reference?)

I want a president who can convey to the country (and through his actions at the helm of government) that there really is no such thing as a free ride or easy credit. And beware of "No money down." (Jesus. Just watch Suzy Orman......If you need the president to tell you that, you've got a lot more problems than bad debt.)

I want a president who can explain, as he might to a daughter, why we should pay our own way so that we're not beholden to anybody. (Yes, by all means, Mr. President, talk to me like a child. I appreciate you dumbing it down)

I want a president who knows that there are still parts of our country where mountains appear purple and amber-colored grain waves and steel buildings stand at attention. And yet our true measure is not how anything looks on the outside, but who we are on the inside. (but, we still need government to take away some of my individual responsibility.....) That will be the America revered beyond our shores.

I want a president who can continue to inspire and electrify as well as remind us that even in our darkest hours there's much to believe in. (ya' know? Come to think of it, a president full of bullshit would be a nice change of pace! I can't recall an unrealistically positive, rah-rah State of the Union Address in my lifetime. A change would be nice!) It's not enough that tens of millions of people have viewed the presidential debates and already have come out in early voting. (sure it is. Ratings. Mean. Everything.) After Tuesday, the real work begins and Americans must stay engaged.

Most of all, I want a president who—after solemnly swearing or affirming that he will faithfully execute the office of president of the United States and will, to the best of his ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States—goes about the business of doing so. (I think Dawn needed to fulfill her word count quota....best to just copy and paste the Oath of Office into the column.)

You Can't Make This Shit Up!

2008-10-25T13:00:00.006-05:00

Depression? Don't tell me, I was there!

By Bill Wundram

With the ups and downs of the stock market and bailouts, there are rumblings of another depression. It gives me the shakes (And poor man's gout...dropsy...the vapors...dum dum fever...the staggers...). What I’m telling you, boys and girls, is that the Great Depression of the 1930s was awful. The pits (Thanks, Opie.).

Grownups today worry about credit card debt while sipping $4 lattes. But they still buy lattes. Every other kid in high school has a cell phone.

During the Great Depression, you scraped to buy MJB Coffee for 39 cents a pound (And we never used a cup. We had to drink it out of a rolled-up newspaper...or suck on a damp piece of cloth.), and plenty of Tri-City (before we became the Quads) homes did without their telephones because they couldn’t afford them.

I remember. I was just a little kid, and grew up to a punk during the Great Depression. I would wake up to the hoot of the whistle atop Davenport Locomotive Works, where no one had a job because the place closed. But the whistle blew daily at 6 a.m. It was supposed to be a lame reassurance to its west-end workers that some day, they would again have jobs.

I would peek out the pantry window and see our next-door neighbor, Frank Bauer, sitting on the back steps looking at his shoe strings. He used to work at the Locomotive Works but now had nothing to do (So he looked at his shoe strings? That's the best he could come up with? What about a quick game of stickball? Or kick the Irish?).

I remember how my Dad was such a soft touch for hungry hobos. There was supposed to be some secret mark on the sidewalk, or a check on the side of a house where the dog was friendly, or occupants were good for a handout. If the transient, no matter how shabby, wore a necktie, my Dad invited him to sit at our kitchen table for hot java and a sandwich. He believed the necktie was a sign of an ex-businessman whose life had gone sour. Hobos without neckties would still be fed, but they had to sit on the porch to eat (Translation: The necktie-less (or not) black guys sat on the porch.).

Just about everyone was on a downer. One out of every three Tri-City residents was out of a job. There were no such things as unemployment checks or Social Security (Aaahh, the good old days...). If you lost your job, you were out of luck. My Dad had lost his job. How he scraped up enough money to open a corner grocery store, I’ll never know. He kept a bone box under the butcher block. Raw bones were tossed there, to give away to destitute families for stewing (Take that ham hock with some carrots and onions and you got a stew goin'.).

Grapefruit was cheap. I remember one father saying, “If the kids want grapefruit, they’ll have to put on salt. I can’t afford sugar.” (THAT'S why my mom dumps a shitload of salt on her cantaloupe!)

The Great Depression left me with stinging memories of thrift. I had only two outfits to wear to school — a green sweater and a maroon sweater — for a whole school year. (I never pictured a smelly Bill Wundrum. Now I have. Thanks.)

There was no money for entertainment. Once, we took the nickel trolley downtown to watch an artist sculpt statues out of sand beneath the Government Bridge (Yes, yes, yes. It was a nickel. And people made $3000 a year then. They average $45,000 a year today and a bus trip is probably $.75 now in the former Tri-Cities (glurp). Same rate of inflation, you dope.). He worked for whatever coins sympathetic people dropped into a tin can. I remember his creased, sad face.

The Tri-Cities was like Steinbeck’s “Grapes of Wrath,” because people traveled in beat-up contraptions called cars (That's why they're similar?). One bearded geezer camped with his cart of goats in Blessing’s Gardens, selling postcards for two cents. He gave me one because I fetched his goats some water (One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I took the fairy to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days...goats?).

The only good thing I remember is my Dad following the advice of his hero, Franklin Roosevelt, who said during one of his fireside chats, “Cheer up. Go to the movies and see Shirley Temple.” We all piled into the old Essex and saw the dimpled darling sing, “On the good ship Lollypop ...” (Thank you for allowing me to write this. It is a tribute to this great country that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could ramble on in a newspaper like the incoherent, crusty old man I am.)

Finally! Getting to what REALLY Matters!

2008-10-21T10:37:00.002-05:00

World Series likely to strike out in ratings

By Paul J. Gough
Hollywood Reporter (the absolute best source for sporting news!)

LOS ANGELES - With Sunday night's seventh game of the American League Championship Series drawing record ratings for TBS (what? They outdrew 'My Boys'?!?) , Fox Sports is hoping that some of that magic rubs off on the baseball World Series.

Good luck. (zing!)

The matchup between the Philadelphia Phillies and Tampa Bay Rays, however exciting in terms of baseball purism (You know, purism - Tampa Bay, astroturf, domes...) , isn't likely to set the TV ratings world afire. In fact, some fear it could be the lowest-rated World Series ever. (whatever shall we do?)

"You could hear the groans (bitchy whining) coming up because it isn't the Red Sox-Dodgers," said Aaron Cohen, chief media negotiator at New York-based ad buyer Horizon Media. (Shake it off, nutsack. Tough shit.)

Fox's World Series hopes started off promising, with the Boston Red Sox, Los Angeles Dodgers, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (Jesus. We still calling them that?), Chicago Cubs and Chicago White Sox — all representing major TV markets — in the playoffs.

But the Cubs, Angels and White Sox fell in the first round and the Dodgers were eliminated by the Phillies in the National League Championship Series. (Wow. Somehow, I didn't think there would be a silver lining to the White Sox losing, but, knowing these d-bags are suffering makes it worthwhile!) The low-profile Rays, the worst team in baseball last year, then finished off the defending champion Red Sox on Sunday night. (Booooooooooooooooooooring!)

Cohen said that working against the World Series, which begins Wednesday in St. Petersburg, Fla., is the fact that there are two East Coast teams (that aren't New York or Boston). A series that lasts the minimum of four games would also hurt the ratings. (no shit? I can see how you rose through the ranks. I tip my cap, good sir...)

"I don't think it's going to be a barn burner," Cohen said. (And he's highly-qualified to predict games because he's a media buying negotiator for......zzzzzzzzzzzzzz)

In the past 10 years, the highest-rated Fall Classic was the seven-game Florida Marlins-Cleveland Indians matchup (two high-profile juggernauts), which averaged a 16.7 rating/29 share, or about 24.8 million viewers.

There have only been three others since then to go over 15 (shame!), most recently the 2004 Series in which Boston ended an 86-year drought to beat the St. Louis Cardinals in four straight.

But Sports president Ed Goren (there's a 'President of Sports'? Wow. All hail, Ed Goren!) remains optimistic. "These two markets will do well. It's not just about the matchups," he said. "As important as anything else is the length of the series and the volume. (just like porn) If we get six or seven games, we'll outrate last year's Red Sox World Series." (....and the other team they played...)

Goren looks to the 1997 Series, with a relatively unknown Marlins up against the Indians. Game 7 averaged a 24.5 rating (38 million viewers) as Florida won.

"Imagine a 16.7 rating for seven nights? (You may saaaay I'm a dreamer....) That's an unheard of number (no. I've heard of 16.7. It's a real number)... but I think there are parallels here," Goren said.

"The last two (Red Sox-Rays) games certainly helped build toward the World Series, and hopefully we'll keep it going," he added. (Indeed, it's not up to the teams. It's up to sports television, Mr. President. Well put.)

Sunday night's Game 7 averaged 13.3 million viewers, making it the highest-rated baseball game in cable history (baseball's dead) and the top-rated telecast on any kind on TBS, Nielsen Media Research said. A Chicago Cubs-St. Louis Cardinals game on ESPN in 1998 which the Cards' Mark McGwire tied the single-season home run record was cable's previous best. (but, those numbers were chemically enhanced)

I Want What Dick Morris Is Smoking

2008-10-17T16:25:00.003-05:00

Fox News Suck Ass Dick Morris has an Op-Ed piece for Rasmussen Reports which is a nice piece of revisionist history.

Mac's Shot at a Late-Game Win
A Commentary by Dick Morris
Friday, October 17, 2008
The short term impact of the third debate will be to help Barack Obama. But the long term implications may give John McCain a needed boost. (Long term? It's 2 weeks away. I'm sure McCain will be thrilled to know he's winning in the polls on December 23rd)Obama looked good, but McCain opened the tax-and-spend issue in a way that might prevail.

Obama took the worst that McCain could hand out and came out looking good. (A dead fish could look good next to McCain. He looks like a cadaver) McCain was the more aggressive debater,(ie whiney and petulant) but Obama looked like the better president. (Yet McCain won a PRESIDENTIAL debate?)The constants of the debate remained. Obama is smoother, prettier, younger and more presidential. But McCain had a feisty appeal, a Trumanesque approach that may resonate in these times of anger and unrest. (That won in 1948)

Obama seemed to rise above the charges and show his reasonableness and his ability to inspire confidence. McCain was like a trial lawyer, hammering out his points, but Obama came across with dignity. (Dignity and poise..what a loser)

Finally, John McCain came out swinging. (Feistyness = good. Is this Phil Rogers ?) In his feisty, aggressive style, he scored key points on spending and taxes. (he didn't say anything different than the first 2 debates. He just said them in a more exasperated tone) Coherent in a way that he has not been in previous debates, (i.e angrier) McCain repeatedly turned Obama's spending plans against the Democratic candidate. (by telling us about his gigantic spending plans)The continued invocation of Joe the Plumber brought a populist edge to the tax issue that it has lacked since Ronald Reagan. (and made 60% of the population want to throw a shoe at the tv)

Strategically, every debate is a chance to ratify the issues that will dominate the weeks that follow. McCain and Obama both made taxes and spending the key issues of the future. With Obama opposing a spending freeze and billing it as a hatchet as opposed to a scalpel, McCain was able to push the Democrat into an uncomfortable position. (Umm...were you watching the same debate as me, Dick?)

McCain has now established the tax issue in a way he has not been able to do so far in the contest. (Louder)Now he can widen the gap between the campaigns on this key issue. (Widen? Obama's leading, Dick. If McCain is widening, he's in trouble.)If the Republicans concentrate their campaign on the key issue of taxes and abandon the other lines of attack, they can use the lines developed in this debate to do better and better as Election Day nears. (and maybe carry North Dakota. Shoot for the stars!)

There was no knockout in this debate. (So, when is it coming?)Obama emerged with class and charisma from a slugfest. He seemed to be the kind of man we want as president. But McCain was able to set up the tax issue in a way that could eventually close the gap. (A man I want as President vs. a guy still trumpeting words like "voucher" and "Tax and spend)

Remember 1992. Clinton had a big lead over George Bush Sr. with three weeks to go. But then Bush and Quayle hammered him over the tax issue and his big spending plans. Day after day, the Republicans gained, and Clinton fell back. (What?) By the Thursday before the Tuesday election, Bush had gained the lead. (This is complete fiction. No poll before the election had Bush in the lead. Not one.)Ultimately Clinton was saved at the bell by the announcement by Special Prosecutor Lawrence Walsh that he was going to indict Bush's Defense Secretary Cap Weinberger. (and the fact the economy was in the tank)That restored the Clinton lead and delivered the victory to him. (Man, Republicans never actually lose an election do they? It's always some last minute bamboozle the media throws at them)

McCain is not as good on television as Obama is. So the immediate impact of the debate was to help Obama. (2 weeks to go)

But the tax-and-spend issue is the one that Republicans want at the center of the race, and McCain put it there. (if it was 1984)

So this may turn out to have been a turning point for McCain, after all. (Slaps forehead)

Views expressed in this column are those of the author, not those of Rasmussen Reports.

Ted Nugent: Fuckstick of the Week

2008-10-14T11:45:00.004-05:00

Colossal prick and Shooter of Animals Ted Nugent went on Hannity and Colmes last night and here's what this asshole (Nugent, not Hannity. Well, Hannity as well.) had to say:

Rocker Ted Nugent Discusses His New Book
Tuesday, October 14, 2008

This is a rush transcript from "Hannity & Colmes," October 13, 2008. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
SEAN HANNITY, CO-HOST: Our next guest is well known to legions of rock 'n' roll fans, (Uncles everywhere) but he's here to unveil his brand-new book on politics, "Ted, White and Blue: The Nugent Manifesto." (Ugh)Joining us now with his no-holds-barred (Ugh again) plan to attack what he calls the problems that are gutting our nation, rock star, friend, author, Ted Nugent.
All right, Ted, you know what? I'm very simple. (No shit) I want politicians — I don't care what party. I want you to be fiscally responsible. I don't want you to wave the right flag of surrender like Obama. (He doesn't care what party..Right)I want to stay on offense on the war on terror. I want energy independence, including drilling and nuclear power. And I want immigration — I want our borders secure. (By demonizing brown people who work at McDonalds)
Am I close to the manifesto?
TED NUGENT, AUTHOR, "TED, WHITE AND BLUE": Sean, you're my American blood brother. Yes, the manifesto, "Ted, White and Blue," is just a celebration of the logic, the pragmatism that you outline every day. And it's alive and well across this country.
I had the greatest tour of my life, 71 rock-outs in 81 days, (County fairs and tractor pulls) and in every nook and cranny of this nation,(Podunk backwater burgs) goodwill, decency, honesty, rugged individualism and, most important, accountability from we. the people. is alive and well. (Nothing subliminally racist there at all)
HANNITY: Yes.
NUGENT: We'd like — we'd like Fedzilla (Up all night) to show a little bit of accountability, and that's what we're demanding.
HANNITY: One of the things you said — I sat there, and I said, "This makes sense." (Sean will start sucking Ted's dick at some point)It's refuse to fund health care for people who don't care, you know, about their own health. And that means people that are — use drugs, that drink and smoke and are destroying their own lives. (Christian compassion at its best right there, Sean. God, what an ass.)
You know, that's — believe it or not, that's considered controversial, Ted. Not that that bothers you, by the way. (Hard hitting interview)
NUGENT: No, no. That doesn't bother me at all. You know, I'm speaking on behalf of not just the Nugent family. (I'm speaking for thousands of Cro Magnon douche bags everywhere. And when I say everywhere I mean Texas) We wake up extra early every day and put our heart and soul into being the best that we can be. (Oh, fuck off)And we would never be so irresponsible to expect someone else to cover our health care if we don't conduct ourselves in a responsible fashion and actually care about our health. (So, if Ted gets cancer because of air pollution or breaks his back because he fell on the ice he shouldn't get health care because he shouldn't be walking around there anyway. Nice logic, dickface)
HANNITY: Let me...
NUGENT: Remember, Sean, I'm not alone on this. (Don't we know)There's a huge, powerful, positive force in America that still, you know, conducts themselves in an accountable fashion, and this book celebrates that.
HANNITY: Let me ask you this, based on the Nugent manifesto, what you think of the Obama manifesto, which is to wave the right flag of surrender, to cut off funding for our troops while they're fighting, accuse them of air-raiding villages and killing civilians. He wants to nationalize health care, raise taxes on corporations and capital gains. (Did you ask him something? That sounds suspiciously like a right wing rant)
What do you think of Barack Obama as a president? (Oh, thanks)
NUGENT: Well, you know, I come from the good — the once great city of Detroit and the great, great state of Michigan. If America wants this country to smell and conduct themselves and be this huge sucking sound like Detroit has become, then by all means vote another Democrat in, because Detroit and Michigan is a case study in liberal Democrat policies being forced upon a once great, great state. (Right. No jobs were lost in Michigan during the Reagan Administration)
ALAN COLMES, CO-HOST: And Washington is an example of great Republican policies.
Ted, welcome back to the show.
NUGENT: That would be liberal Democrat policies. Hi, Alan.
COLMES: John McCain, by the way, voted not to fund the troops on a bill that had a time line attached to it, so I guess he hates the troops, too. (Stop using logic!)
But you once said, "Hey, Obama, you might want to suck on one of these, you punk." You were talking about your gun. "He's a piece of blank." You told him to "Suck on my machine gun." You said Hillary is a "B" word; "let her suck on this." Is this what you want to teach your kids?
NUGENT: Call me Sam Kinnison with a guitar, Alan. (Sam Kinison is dead. Can we hope?)
COLMES: I see, I see.
NUGENT: You know, everybody I know gets the joke. If you don't, Sean will explain it to you.
COLMES: I'm sure using the "B" word, calling Hillary the "B" word and calling Obama a piece of blank, that's really funny material. Really. I got to...
NUGENT: Not the "B" word.
COLMES: That's really funny stuff.
You say in the book, each morning you bow down to the almighty and pray for good bombing weather. Who would Jesus bomb?
NUGENT: You know, we love bombing tyrants and despots and slave drivers. We love killing bad guys so that innocent life can be saved. (50,000 civilians in Iraq. They had it comin'!)Do you understand that Alan?
COLMES: So you pray for bombing weather every day, because that's a good Christian, Jesus type thing to do, to find people we can bomb on a daily basis?
HANNITY: Ask him if he's bombed Hitler. (huh?)
NUGENT: Hopefully, we'll get Mugabe this time. You know? (I'm beginning to understand why I want him to die)
COLMES: So that's where you're coming from.
NUGENT: That's where I'm coming from.
COLMES: You want to kill on sight anybody who illegally comes into the country. Just shoot them, right?
NUGENT: If they're armed, and they're attacking our country, yes. (All those Mexicans with semi automatics)
COLMES: Well, they wouldn't be attacking. You don't know if someone coming over the border — would you just shoot anybody coming over the border who you suspect of being illegal?
NUGENT: In an unauthorized entry, armed, like they are right now, invading our country, I'd like to shoot them dead. (Wow)
COLMES: Just shoot them dead. All right.
Also, parents of overweight kids who have blubber or bad hygiene should be charged with neglect. Are you going to — the government is going to decide your kid's fat, you're going to go to jail?
NUGENT: Yes.
COLMES: Really? So you want more government involvement in people's personal lives that way?
NUGENT: No, not at all. What I'm talking about is a sense of accountability that I see in my family and everybody I hang out with. All my hunting buddies, they conduct themselves in a responsible fashion. (By shooting bears)
There is a pandemic of health-care overload right now, because people don't care about their health. And certainly, obesity is at the source of this pandemic of wasted tax dollars. Paying for health care because these people don't care about their health. (Fuck 'em. I'm sure all the folks at Ted's concerts are in great shape.)
Do you understand that, Alan? Is that a little too deep for you?
COLMES: Yes, I do. You talk slowly enough for me. I don't live in a Ted state, so I guess I'm OK. But listen...
NUGENT: Obviously.
COLMES: ... thank you for being with us.
HANNITY: Ted, do me a favor: take him hunting. Take him out hunting.
NUGENT: I want to...
(CROSSTALK)
COLMES: I think I'd rather go hunting with Cheney than go hunting with you.
NUGENT: I'm killing many deer for you, Alan, this year. (what a man!)

MenAndCats.com, People! Men. And. Cats. Dot. Com!

2008-10-08T10:48:00.007-05:00

Sorry, Fido, It’s Just a Guy Thing

By ABBY ELLIN

IF you ask Adam Fulrath who is the love of his life, he will barely blink an eye before responding: Parappa. (Oh, cripes! This is going to be like shooting fish in a barrel.)

Mr. Fulrath, a 37-year-old design director at Time Out New York, keeps five photographs of Parappa, a shorthaired, bicolored, mixed-breed cat, on his desktop. (Okay. If a guy has five photos of his dog on his desk, he's creepy as well. Isn't that like in the Bible or something?...Wait...here it is...Matthew 8:14: "If a man lies down with cats, the wrath of his Holiness shall befall him." I knew I saw it somewhere.) He knows that it might be considered a little weird (a little?) that a grown man would be so enamored with his kitty, but Mr. Fulrath, who is into video games and comic books and calls himself a “straight, geeky guy,” doesn’t care.

“She’s my primary relationship,” he said. (That and masturbating to the CatWoman video game. He's interactive.)

Mr. Fulrath is one of a growing number of single — and yes, heterosexual — men who seem to be coming out of the cat closet and unabashedly embracing their feline side. (Okay. Let's monitor the true blue evidence cited by Abby to back this bullshit thesis up. Keep a close eye on the number of 'seems' used...And dippy anecdotes.) To that end, they are posting photographs and videos of their little buddies on YouTube and on Web sites like menandcats.com, and Twittering about them to anyone who will listen. (New ring of Hell. Spending the whole day reading Menandcats.com. Take a minute and go scan my new favorite website. It's cat-tastic!)

Indeed, it seems (#1) that man’s best friend is no longer a golden retriever, but a cuddly cat named Fluffy (Evidence, please! Not stupid stories about some neighbor in your brownstone.). This movement (Movement? What? A website?), such as it is, is in direct contrast to the most notable in the recent spate of reports about the relationship between a man and a cat, which were far darker; they focused on a young actor who was recently on trial in New York City for killing his girlfriend’s cat — he said it attacked him — only to have a jury decide after several days that it could not reach a verdict. (What the hell does this have to do with anything? We here at the SNC have put Abby on the Watch List.)

If it had been a little less violent, that case might have been more in line with what the world seems to expect of men and cats. (Please tell me about these 'expectations' you speak of, kind lady.)

The image of the crazy spinster cat lady persists, and plenty of people do wonder about a guy with a cat. As a writer on adventuresofacitygirl.blogspot.com put it: “Single men and cats are like a burger and broccoli. Separately they are okay, but together it just seems off.”

But those who see a growing link between men and cats see that attitude (not to mention the cat slaying) as old-fashioned. (Abby has four male friends who have cats and she was devoid of story ideas for the week. Boom! Article!)

Clea Simon, who wrote “The Feline Mystique: On the Mysterious Connection Between Women and Cats,” said: “I do think it has become more acceptable for men to own cats — partly for practical reasons, like the growing realization that they’re better city pets, and partly the whole acceptance of our cross-gender traits that men crave intimacy, too.” (So get a pet that's useless and selfish. That'll fill the intimacy void.)

Stacy Mantle, the founder of Petsweekly.com, a magazine for pet lovers, said that men are becoming more “cat literate” because they themselves are evolving. (Where's she going with this? First, men want cats because they crave intimacy like women and now men are evolving beyond the need for dogs. Me smells something offensive coming.)

“It’s the unevolved members of the species who tend toward abuse of cats — and oftentimes, women and children,” said Ms. Mantle, who owns 18 cats. (That last part doesn't buttress the argument. 18 cats? Talk about intimacy issues.)

Although there are no hard (or soft) (<-- Not mine.) statistics (it is rare to find an owner, man or woman, walking a cat in public) (<-- Not mine doppio.), it seems (#2) that single, heterosexual male cat owners are on the rise. (Well, shit! I'm sold. Et tu?) Over the last few years Sandra DeFeo, an executive director at the Humane Society of New York, said she had seen an increase in the number of single, straight men who are adopting cats. (Holy Mother of Shit! The Republican Party should hire Sandra DeFeo since she's apparently clairvoyant and can tell if a guy is gay or not. What's she working at the Humane Society for? Seems like she could be making oodles of money using her TRUE talent by bilking homophobic fucks.)

Carole Wilbourn, a cat therapist (yes, really) (<-- Not mine tripel.) in Manhattan, said that the number of her single, straight male clients has risen about 25 percent over the last five years.

When the Web site PetPlace.com asked its readers, “Do Real Men Own Cats?” almost 84 percent of respondents said “yes.” “Only intelligent, aware, caring men love cats,” one reader said. (That guy's gay. BAAAAAA!) And in a 2005 survey by Cats Protection, an animal welfare agency in the United Kingdom, the majority of the 790 people who responded said it was cool for a guy to own cats. (Another poll from Cats Protection: a majority of respondents said it's cool to weep uncontrollably after sex.)

This line of thinking does not surprise cat lovers, many of whom believe that only pillars of virility and masculinity would dare to own one. (WWWWHHHHOOOOOOOAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! HOLY MOTHER OF CAT SHIT!!!!!!! Are you kidding me?! I knew it! I knew she'd say something like this! I knew it was going to have to be said in order to back up that dipshit title! Here's the difference between dog and cat owners. Dog owners find absolutely no need to discuss their ownership of a dog as a competition with cats. Cat owners don't shut the fuck up about it. You draw the conclusion. And when they get pissed off that you're not falling for the bait, they say shit like that.) They are quick to point out other well-known macho cat owners: Ernest Hemingway, Mark Twain, Victor Hugo and Marlon Brando, who reportedly found a stray cat on the set of “The Godfather” and incorporated it into a scene.

John Scalzi, 39, an author in Bradford, Ohio, has been a cat guy his entire life. In September 2006, he posted a picture of a piece of bacon taped to his cat, Ghlaghghee (pronounced Fluffy — an ode to George Bernard Shaw), on his Web site www.scalzi.com/whatever. Thousands of viewers apparently found this hilarious. (Jebus H. Cripes! Am I supposed to believe that because there are websites out there dedicated to male cat owners that there is some huge trend? That's, what, the fourth website cited? I bet I can find four websites dedicated to the wonders of eating your own crap. Does that mean it's a growing trend as well?)

Mr. Scalzi, who is now married and has a daughter, blames Hollywood for the continual bad rap that has befallen the male cat owner. Originally, he said, only strong men like Don Corleone, or the villains in a James Bond film, had cats. (Fuckin' Hollywood! I'm going to use Abby's circular logic. Hollywood hates cats. Hollywood likes Democratic candidates. Male cat owners hate Hollywood. McCain will carry the male cat owner vote this November.)

“But then in the Seventies, Eighties and Nineties, Hollywood decided that we need to have the token gay man as the witty sidekick friend of the main female protagonist,” he said. “ ‘What kind of signature thing can we give him to convey that he is not an entirely masculine being? I know! We’ll give him a big fluffy cat!’ ”

In fact, Mr. Scalzi thinks that dogs are for the weaker of spirit, since the dog is, in effect, “your wingman.” (Whaaaa?)

“If you’re feeling insecure about your space in the world, you get a dog because he will always back you up,” he said. “He’s the insecure man’s best friend.” (Wai.....BLLLLLEEEEEGGGGGHHH....Crap...I just threw up on my computer. Abby. You owe me a new one. I blame you. And Hollywood.)

A man with a cat, on the other hand, “is secure with himself,” he said. “He’s sharing his space with a predator.” (I really can't stop laughing. Somebody slap me. I'm giggly. Mr. Scalzi, I see a man who desperately needs to see every compulsion and decision he's made in his life as the morally, emotionally and psychologically right one. I bet he thinks people who like Thai food over Mandarin Chinese/Japanese fusion are fascists.)

Many (kind of like 'seem') women agree that guys with cats are extra special.

“They make the best boyfriends because they’re totally cool with staying home and watching a movie,” said Elizabeth Daza, 28, a video producer in Manhattan, who dated a cat-owning man for eight years. “Straight men with cats seem to be really secure and stable. They don’t need to be running around the park and proving their masculinity like the dog guys.” (I'm sold. I don't know about you but when I walk my dog, the only thing I'm doing is trying to get the freakball to poop. Does that make me an insecure pussy?)

On a practical level, cats are easier, male owners say — especially if they (the men) travel a lot. They can leave the cat alone for days on end, and the cat will survive. (Boom goes the dynamite! That's why cats are good pets for certain people. There's absolutely no work involved. End of story. Fine. Like cats. But don't tell me they're some monument to masculinity and virility for the sake of cripe!)

“I would feel guilty if I had a dog and was out of the country for three weeks,” said Mark Fletcher, 38, an entrepreneur in Redwood City, Calif. who has two cats, Einstein and Babe (as in Ruth). (See. He named it after Babe Ruth. Babe Ruth was a man's man. Ergo, cats are the only true pet for real men. Get that?)

What’s more, cats are relatively low maintenance. (Not 'what's more'. You just mentioned that.)

“A dog is a lot of work,” said Nader Ali-Hassan, 29, an account executive with a digital marketing firm in Cleveland. (Again. Abby logic. A pet that's a lot of work is a pet for pussies.)

Although he is married, he has had cats his entire life, and even has a picture of Ringo, a longtime feline companion, in his office.

“Maybe it’s not the most masculine thing in the world, but I’m comfortable enough in my own manhood,” he said. “The cat’s nice. I come home after a long day of work, it sits in my lap, I pet it, and then it goes about its business.” (Then get a stuffed animal. Here's a bonus. They don't shit and piss in the house.)

SOME (#345...ish.) guys are even using their cats as vehicles to celebrity, like Paul Klusman, 39, a Wichita, Kan., engineer who catapulted to Internet fame after posting “An Engineer’s Guide to Cats” on YouTube in April. (Isn't there some YouTube video of a Japanese woman shooting ping-pong balls out of her hoo-hoo? Internet fame is all relative, really. Not much in terms of qualifications.)

The film, which features his three cats, Oscar, Ginger and Zoey, garnered about 3 million views. (Bet ping-pong hoo-hoo had more hits. Just guessing, really.) Mr. Klusman said he received about 300 marriage proposals from “lonely cat ladies from all over the world,” in addition to more risqué propositions. (Eeeeewwwwwww!)

“Any single, straight man who has the slightest bit of insecurity about his own sexuality will probably find it difficult to admit to owning or even appreciating cats” he said, echoing Mr. Scalzi’s sentiments. (Abby should set these two up. Seems like they're both talking an awfully lot about the sexuality of others. Something weirdly insecure about that.)

Of course, it can become tricky, like when the cat gets in the way of a relationship.

The Cats Protection study found that single male cat owners were more likely than their female counterparts to have made, or consider making, a sacrifice for their cat — including giving up a holiday or going into debt for their cat if necessary. (What?)

Single men were also almost as likely as single women to break a friendship (Please tell me the situation where this arises so much that a study was commissioned.) rather than lose their cat, and would consider choosing their cat over their partner.

This happened to Mr. Fulrath, who dated a woman who was allergic to cats.

“I thought, ‘This is never going to work,’ ” he recalled. “My cat takes priority over the new relationship. Realistically, unless there’s something absolutely amazing about her, he wins.” (Sorry cat. She gives good head. Go find a dumpster to eat out of.)

And where was this article posted, you ask? CNN.com? Nope. The New York Times.

Head on over to Slate.com where Jack Shafer awards this one as his Bogus Trend of the Week.

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

2008-10-02T16:28:00.003-05:00

Former Congresswoman and Bat Shit Loon Cynthia McKinney is apparently running for President as the nominee of the Green Party. That would be the same Green Party that Ralph Nader was the nominee of in 2000 and 2004.

McKinney Accuses Government of Slaughtering Prisoners, Dumping Bodies During Katrina
WASHINGTON: Green Party presidential candidate Cynthia McKinney claims the Department of Defense executed 5,000 prisoners with one bullet to the head (just one?)and then dumped their bodies in a Louisiana swamp during Hurricane Katrina. (No one noticed 5,000 corpses. THAT is what I call covert!)
At a news conference in Oakland, Calif., on Sunday, McKinney claimed the Pentagon authorized the execution of the prisoners with one bullet to the head three years ago and then dumped their bodies in a Louisiana swamp.

McKinney said she heard the story from the mother of a National Guard soldier who said her son was assigned to help dispose of the bodies. (Well, case closed then..)
"And these were mostly males and her son was afraid to talk because he had signed a silence agreement," (Wow) McKinney told the crowd. "So he only complained to his mother. But the data was entered into a Pentagon computer." (Come on. Where are the cameras? Is Alan Funt coming out?)
McKinney said she verified the story from "insiders" who wanted to remain anonymous. (The insiders are the voices inside Cynthia's loony head)
"I suspect that these are prisoners. ... So this investigation of the whole prison industrial complex is extremely important and it should not end with just a question of the nature of prisons in our country," she said to a captivated audience. (Car wreck like captivating) "These 5,000 souls also need some justice too." (Justice for the Made Up 5000! Justice for the Fictitious Five Grand!)
A Defense Department spokesman dismissed McKinney's accusation. (Really?)
"The claim is outrageous on the very face of it and doesn't merit any further consideration," said Lt. Col. Les' Melnyk. "It would be inconceivable that 5,000 people would go missing in America without anyone noticing it prior to this." (That's far too many words to use on this, sir.)
Psychologists and psychology professors contacted by FOXNews.com wouldn't comment on McKinney's mental condition, but they expressed shock at her assertion. (I'll comment: SHE'S FUCKING NUTS!!)
"Wow! What a conspiracy theory," one professor exclaimed before declining comment and hanging up the phone. (Says Professor Mundane)
Dr. Celia Ward, a clinical psychologist in Washington, D.C., said she wouldn't speculate on McKinney's state of mind because McKinney heard the story from someone else. (Huh?)
"This sounds like a game of telephone," Ward said, explaining how a rumor can change as it passes from one person to another. "But to take something that has so many questions attached to it and to treat a rumor as fact is the basis for mass distortion. It's really a good example of Swift-boating." (Or Bat Shit Fucked Up Retardation)
Ward said McKinney could have easily verified the story by checking prison records.
"This is the kind of rumor that warrants fact-checking," she said. (I'm getting tired)
McKinney's presidential campaign did not respond to a request for comment. (I'll bet.)
A member of the House for 12 years until 2007,(I'll bet the voters of that district are proud) McKinney is no stranger to controversy. Shortly after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, she suggested that President Bush knew about the plot in advance but failed to warn Americans because of his father's business interests. (That actually sounds rational compared to this) Some political analysts say that statement contributed to her defeat in 2002. (That and the fact she's a stark raving loon)
After McKinney was re-elected in 2004, she tried to impeach Bush, Vice President Cheney and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice on charges that they lied and manipulated intelligence to justify the war in Iraq. (Maybe that theory might have grown some legs if you didn't have Crazy Shit Pants McGee leading the charge) McKinney hit a career low point in 2006 when she was accused of striking a Capitol Police officer who grabbed her after she passed a security checkpoint without wearing a congressional lapel pin. She later apologized for the incident. She was defeated in a Democratic primary later that year and left the Democratic Party in 2007. (Kind of like how I "left" my last job after they shit canned me) She was nominated in July to run for president on the Green Party ticket. There are 245 other Green Party candidates running for office this fall. (And I'll bet they're happy about this.)

Men Are To Blame For...Sarah Palin?

2008-10-01T13:35:00.006-05:00

Tracing source of women's hate for Palin

By Mary Schmich

A woman I like and respect spotted me in a coffeehouse (Hate to beat a dead horse here but does every Tribune columnist write in a coffeehouse and happen to run into an impetus for a column?) a few days ago and sat down at my table. Her first words, after she noticed my laptop, were: "I hope you're writing about Sarah Palin. Isn't she awful?"

She shuddered—literally, her body shook—and said she hated Palin.

I've found myself in this awkward position several times since Palin became the first Republican woman, only the second woman ever, to be nominated for vice president (I always found the one-leg-over-your-head Kama Sutra position kind of awkward. Is that the awkwardness Mary is talking about?).

Female friends send me Facebook invitations to join "Women Against Sarah Palin" and forward group e-mails spreading Palin jokes or Palin information, some of it misinformation. (Go to factcheck.org to verify what you think you know.) (Umm....yeah...I went there and what I thought I knew is what I knew. Way to assume otherwise.)

I can't count the times a woman has said to me, "I just hate her," then looked at me mystified when I've said I don't. (I think the friends she 'likes and respects' probably are using a short-hand conversational tool. You know, summing up the whole Palin debacle where she's mind-blowingly unqualified for the job. Dippiness + Smugness + Certitude = Hatred. I don't hate her as a person. I just don't think she should be in the same dimension as any VP candidate. That's all.)

There are good reasons to object to Sarah Palin's politics. (Thanks, Mary. I was worried my reasons weren't good.)

If you're for reproductive freedom and against drilling in the Arctic wildlife, if you think global warming is a problem and global leaders should have a wide experience of the world, you can't want Palin to be posted a proverbial heartbeat away from the presidency. (Didn't Bush even say that global warming is a problem? And I love how being qualified is no longer a qualification.)

There are good reasons, too, to question Palin's credentials for this job. (Thanks again.)

If you watched her stumble through thickets of fractured syntax in response to Katie Couric's questions last week, you know why even some of her defenders are having second thoughts.

But many women who hate Palin's politics have personalized her candidacy in a way that's tough to fathom. I hear men mock Palin, but I haven't yet heard one say, "I hate her." (They envy her boobs. Or maybe it's the fact that Palin pretty much represents the antithesis of everything the women's movement tried to accomplish over the last 100 years. You think they should just go lock-step because Palin also has a hoo-hoo?)

Hoping to tease out the nuances of the ill will, I called a female friend, an expert on this campaign. We riffed on the possibilities. If Sarah Palin weren't so pretty. If Sarah Palin were pro-choice. If Sarah Palin weren't so cocky. If Sarah Palin read Plato. If Sarah Palin were a man. If there were more women in politics. (Wow. An ugly, pro-life, humble woman who reads Plato should be able to clean up then, right? At least in the women's demographic.)

If this, that or the other, Sarah Palin might not make so many women burn. We drew no conclusions. (So far, this column hasn't drawn any conclusions at all. Where's she going with this?)

I relate to the betrayal, insult and worry the choice of Palin as John McCain's running mate stirs in many women. (Or maybe Mary could relate to the anger in women that Palin wears her ignorance like a badge of honor. The first close race (Mondale-Ferraro doesn't count) where a woman could ascend to the highest office in the world and THIS is the woman it could be?)

Do the guys (whoa! she's not...) who picked Palin in the hopes of nabbing Hillary Clinton supporters really think one size fits all? We've waited so long for a woman to make it to the White House and the closest we can come is one who can't volley with Katie Couric? And what if Palin's deficiencies make it easier to claim that women aren't fit for high public office? (Yes. That's exactly what will happen. We're all morons and will judge every woman running for office henceforth on Palin.)

At its most logical, the hatred many women profess for Palin is rooted in the feeling that she has ascended to power she hasn't earned and that she could turn that power against the beliefs and best interests of most women. (There. Asked and answered. What that so hard?)

But the way some women talk about her risks making us look like the very thing she is sometimes accused of being: mean girls. (Who gives a shit what it makes you look like!)

Palin is an ambitious, smart, energetic woman, who through work, luck, pluck and, yes, a ruthless streak common to politicians, has invented an uncommonly full life, which includes being governor of Alaska. There's a lot to admire. (You forgot 'gutsy'. That's what we call women politicians now. Ballsy McGrindies.)

If she'd also been wise and humble, she would have said, "Not yet," when she was asked to play in the big leagues. But what gutsy woman (There you go.) would have said no?

By the end of last week, even a couple of Palin haters I know had softened, slightly.

It hurt to watch her fumble through her interview with Katie Couric and pose nervously with Henry Kissinger. (Because it was unbelievably embarrassing! I had to look away. Mostly because I was embarrassed that the current American political system allowed for this to happen.)

Her weak week was enough to make at least a few people recognize that the real bad guys were the folks who seduced her for their political gain into thinking she was ready. (HOLY SHIT!!!!! I didn't just read that. I did not just read that. It didn't happen. What happened to 'gutsy and smart and energetic and luck and pluck and uncommonly full life'? Mary has just negated the very thing for which women have fought against for decades. That men are the only qualified people to make important decisions. Mary just put the ultimate responsibility for making such a decision on people with penises and just negated her whole point. Palin was not capable to make such a decision on her own and be ultimately held responsible for it. Thanks, Mary. Does that mean we should just go back to calling women 'cum-catchers'?)

2008-09-30T15:07:00.004-05:00

Ask Dr. Gilda: Am I Too Short to Date?
Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D. MSN Relationship expert....

Dear Dr. Gilda (...just take a good look at this fucker's picture and try to figure out if I'll like his advice or not. Give it a whirl.....)

I am a short guy who has always been self-conscious about my height. Throughout school, everyone would tease me, which made matters worse. I married a woman who was my height, and I thought we'd waltz into the sunset together (waltz?!? Into the sunset? Where'd you get that one?), but you can't base a long-term commitment on someone's acceptance of your physical shortcomings (sounds like a wager to me!) (no pun intended) (heh.), and we divorced. Now that I'm in the online dating world, I still can't get myself to come clean about my true height. Women have told me that it is not that important, so why am I having such trouble? (because you're short pussy) Does a man's size matter?– Tired of Getting Short-Changed

Dear Tired (that makes two of us...),

No one should feel the need to apologize for being who s/he is (except Hitler). But if someone feels flawed, s/he will naturally project him/herself (more use of /, please) as damaged, which will dampen the possibility of a new healthy relationship.

Is being short really a handicap? (Awesome question, Mr. Glick) It depends on whom you ask. Ask someone with a life-threatening disease, and you will get a different perspective. ("Yeah, hey, liver cancer patient, do you think being short is a handicap?....Go to where?!? Wow. It was just a question. Talk about attitude....jeesch") Ask box-office heartthrob (and fellow gay man), Tom Cruise, and note that, without apology, he went to the other extreme and married gorgeous women (beards) who are taller than he is (quite a feat).

The beauty of online dating is that you can decide whether you might enjoy a personality fit with someone before you get into physical details. (WOW! Did Doc just miss the whole fucking point about online dating or what?!? Yeah, that's why people go online to date. Yep! Personality traits first - looks second. Catch up, dickwad.) While people naturally categorize each other according to superficial (totally fucking necessary) stats, these factors quickly fade when there is a deep connection.

While many (all) people do have preferences for certain physical types (level of hotness), these preferences often block possibilities that might be worthwhile. Single people are less upset that someone may not look like a movie star than they are that the person lied. (but, if you look like movie star and you lie, take a guess if a second date happens or not...I'm gonna saaaaay youbetcha)

As my Gilda-Gram (Oh, dear God....die...now) says, "There is no twilight zone of honesty (deeep siiigh...hold it together, Snrub...steaaady....). You're either honest or dishonest, without an in-between." (He should be re-named Doctor Pithy) If you fudge your personal statistics online, how will you avoid your date's reaction when the two of you meet? (That's easy....pull a knife.)

One man discovered his date had lied about her education, and he dumped her (I bet he was a real keeper. "What's that? You're not a Harvard grad?!? For shame!"). A woman was furious that a man she saw twice had lied about his age. Another woman agreed to meet a man who advertised (advertised?) he was 5'9," but who showed up as 5'2". She refused to see him again, not because she didn't like him, which she did, but because he was dishonest (and waaaay too short). What matters most to most people is integrity. But if self-worth is shaky, integrity will be hidden from view. (Don't do what 'Donny Don't' does.....they coulda made that clearer.)

This is what I suggest you do: (Just end it...whoops! Sorry. That slipped out. Stay alive, please. )

Since you have been in pain for a long time over what you perceive as this flaw, get therapy to understand that your value is more than a longitudinal measure. (longitudinal measure?!? Holy fuck....and, while I'm at it...Get therapy for (wait for it....) being a SHORT GUY!...wow. Just go away, Doc.)

Write a compelling profile (brag letter) of your most endearing qualities to post online. Get help from your (two) friends who know your greatest traits. (would being an insecure, short guy who writes to the 25-year-old, online MSN relationship doctor be considered a positive trait?)

When asked to enter your height on an online registration, be honest and proud (and leave it blank). Accept this as the packaging with which you entered the world, and the challenge you need to work through. (strong words, indeed. Accept being short....oh, and view it as a "challenge" that you can change. Perhaps, you can start by reversing science and, perhaps, concoct a potion to make you grow taller! It's just a challenge you can work through, buddy!)

Growing to appreciate our unique characteristics is a mark of depth and maturity (or makes you an arrogant prick. Either way). Before attracting lasting love, you must begin your journey towards self-acceptance now (and start settling for being a toad).

What's French for Buggery?

2008-09-25T12:22:00.004-05:00

Pierre Pierce allowed to travel to France

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — A ruling that allows former Iowa basketball player Pierre Pierce to leave the state to play professionally in France was met with disapproval by the Iowa attorney general (How can this guy disapprove of non-consentual butt sex? Jerk.)

In a filing late Tuesday afternoon, the attorney general's office asked the state Supreme Court to reconsider its ruling, "given the extraordinary issues presented by this case and because one member of the three judge panel dissented from the ... order."

Bob Brammer, a spokesman for the attorney general's office, said his office had no comment beyond the filing. Pierce's attorney, Alfredo Parrish, could not be immediately reached for comment on the request for reconsideration (C'mon, Alfredo! Throw me some bullshit line about how Pierre learned his lesson and should be allowed to get on with his life.).

Earlier Tuesday, a three judge panel of the Iowa Supreme Court upheld a Dallas County District Court ruling that Pierce could travel to France (Bet he checked the rape laws there...you know...just in case.).

The court had previously granted the attorney general's request to stay the lower court's ruling.
The attorney general has argued that there is no law allowing someone on probation to complete their sentence in another country. The attorney general said it would make it difficult to monitor Pierce's behavior. (Here it comes. Sock it to me, Alfredo.)

Parrish, disagreed in an 11-page brief filed with the court on Monday.

"The question is not whether statutory authority exists that authorizes the district court to transfer supervision of a probationer to a foreign country; rather, the question is whether statutory law prohibits the district court from allowing a probationer to travel to a foreign country while supervision will be maintained," Parrish wrote in the brief. ("I did not say that to just say that. I said it to say that I couldn't say that and by saying that, I know that saying that was something that should have been said.")

Parrish claims there are few restrictions dealing with probation. (Anyone else think something has to be codified relating to probation on a felony charge and leaving the country?)

Reached after the three-member panel's initial ruling on Tuesday, Parrish said he was relieved for his client and thought the decision was appropriate.

"It's been a long, hard battle," (I know. It's just been terrible for you guys.) Parrish said. "This is the correct decision. I strongly believe it's the correct decision (By saying that you strongly believe it doesn't make it more so.) ... It'll be my hope that he'll be able to leave for France by the end of the week." (Translation: Get the fuck out of Dodge.)

He said Pierce was "very relieved" when he heard the news. (Did he poop himself?)

"He's been practicing every day," (He's dedicated.) Parrish said. "He's had a very rigid physical fitness program (Focused.). He's had some adversity (Poor guy.) and made some mistakes (Turning the ball over is a mistake.) and he's trying to move on and prove he can be a law abiding citizen." (You know how you prove that? By not terrorizing another person. You already failed that test, Pierre. No do-overs.)

Pierce has signed a $120,000 contract with a team in France's top professional basketball league. He is on probation for a January 2005 incident at the West Des Moines home of a former girlfriend. The charges resulted in his being kicked off the Iowa basketball team. At the time, Pierce was the third-leading scorer in the Big Ten. Pierce led the Hawkeyes with 16.1 points a game as a sophomore in 2003-04. (Boy, that's a bit of a brief summary. And Thank God we got his PPG in there. Because that's important. It's part of the whole picture and entirely relevant. (He said sarcastically and then not so much).)

He pleaded guilty in August 2005 to third-degree burglary, (And buggery.) false imprisonment, assault with intent to commit sexual abuse and criminal trespass.

He served 11 months in prison at the Mount Pleasant Correctional Facility before he was released in September 2006.

Pierce was sentenced in April to 30 days in jail for violating his probation while playing in an NBA summer league in Las Vegas. (What's that about proving he's a law-abiding citizen again?)